To me, being a grandparent means I am old, but I’m not ready to be old yet! My memory is still fresh with feelings of a great achievement, a mission accomplished, when my baby was given to me for the first time. I was elated upon being suddenly elevated to the status of a parent within a span of hours. I felt good at being called ama.
I also remember my tussle and disagreement with my parents and in-laws regarding the upbringing of my children. I could not understand why they had to be so obtuse when it came to raising my children. Despite my grudges, I listened to them with due respect and smiled secretly when life became easier because of their advice. Despite pluses dotted with minuses, I wished those moments to last an eternity. But time flew and all of a sudden, the little kids had all grown up. Throughout this wonderful period, I never thought of being a grandparent, almost defying time.
Despite the realization that time indeed does not wait, suddenly I realized with a jolt that I was ready to make way for the new generation who have being pushing me to make space for them. Finally, I decided it was time to move on to the next level of being a grandparent.
Even though I had seen many individuals happily enjoying being a grandparent, for the longest time, I wasn’t so sure about it. I gradually found out that being a grandparent was all about watching my children grow up and become caring and nurturing. Along with the miracle of the new baby, the children became parents and the parents get elevated to the status of grandparents, which is just as miraculous.
Suddenly, I am swept back in time as I watch my kids do the same things I had done, what now feels like centuries ago and unwillingly I compare their mistakes and gains with mine. Suddenly, it feels like time has just swung back one more time, as I watch with awe and pride, even trepidation, as my children do their best at parenting. Sometimes, I smile at their mistakes, knowing the remedies. Often times, I even feel like telling: “Do it this way, or that way! I know what happens if you do it your way.” But I decide to give them space and let them learn from their own mistakes.
To me, being a grandparent means I am old, but I’m not ready to be old yet! My memory is still fresh with feelings when my baby was given to me for the first time.
I am sure all of us know how difficult that is, we want to help and we should help. When asked for help, we do too, but with slight reservation. It’s best for us to understand that most young parents need sympathetic support not advice or criticism from their parents. It is of course sometimes very painful to see the young parents go through the trial and error of parenting, but then again, that is the part of their on-the-job training as parents. Under such circumstances, the best thing to do is to let them know that we are there to listen and offer advise if need be.
Sometimes, young parents will do something that the grandparents feel strongly about and there is always the temptation to interfere immediately, but restrain and patience is the name of the game here. Interference will only undermine the young parents and give rise to friction between young parents and the grandparents, eventually creating tension. There are always other ways of dealing with the problem: Calmly, reasonably and in private. Even if we disagree, accepting their parenting skills will inspire trust and confidence in them. It is up to the grandparents to accept their children as parents and respect their parenting skills.
My personal experience tells me that it is a wise thing to respect the rules and limits that the young parents set for their children. It is always better to let them know that we have made our fair share of mistakes when it comes to parenting, and that it’s a learning process. We all know that God has entrusted the most important job of raising children to the most inexperienced people, the young parents, with the hope that the more experienced older generation will help in the process.
Contributions that grandparents make in the process of raising children are extraordinary. Children with grandparents around are the luckiest people because grandparents help provide stability to the homes. Often times, grandchildren become very much attached to the grandparents, and look up to them as their role models, putting more pressure on the grandparents as they have to live up to the expectations.
We know it´s not always easy, that it takes thought, finesse and devotion to do justice to the role of a grandparent. It requires us to be emotionally flexible and nurturing. We need to take our role modeling seriously, for our children and grandchildren. We hope we can help because when grand-parenting works, there´s nothing better.
How do I like being called hajurama? Well that is a different story! For me, that word still does not exist, when it is referred to me. I still prefer to be called ama. My mind refuses to grow up beyond that point! Faking Peter Pan with a twist, if you will!
The writer is an educationist & children’s writer
usha@pokharel.net
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