Dear Swastika,
I've been in a relationship with a boy for over a year. Things were going okay, but then I started to get busy with my work. My relationship soured and I and my boyfriend started fighting a lot. So far, we have had around four break ups accompanied with four patch ups. But the truth is I'm not very sad about my relationship souring down. Sometimes I feel I'm waiting for the day when it shall finally end. However, truth be spoken, it did pinch a little at the times we broke up. Plus, I fear being alone. And I fear I'll miss him badly if we ever get separated permanently. He's a very sweet guy and the best friend I ever had. What would you advise?
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Let’s breathe together as one lifelong
--Nita
Pinch a little? I'm so glad this question is unanimous. If your boyfriend ever found out that a pinch of pain is what you feel after every breakup, he might just feel the stab right in the middle of his chest (smiles). On a more serious note, we understand life at the wake of death and we understand relationships at the wake of its end. My test of love is simple. I had mentioned in May 27th's column – Close your eyes and imagine, if he were gone from your life, what would you feel – pain (that can be cured with a pain killer), sadness (that will eventually fade away), relief, joy, or insurmountable sense of irreplaceable loss? Pinch of pain or fear of being alone is not worth staying in relationship. Unless you feel insurmountable sense of irreplaceable loss upon break up, it's not love.As poetess Elizabeth Barrett Browning would say – Unless you can think, when the song is done, No other is soft in the rhythm; Unless you can feel, when left by One, That all men else go with him; Unless you can know, when un-praised by his breath, That your beauty itself wants proving; Unless you can swear "For life, for death!" – Oh, fear to call it loving! Be mindful about your feelings though.
There's a chance that you're putting work as your priority right now and thus, the highs and lows of the relationship is overwhelming to a point that you'd rather break-up at this time. Maybe the souring of relationship has to do with the fact that you and your partner aren't being able to openly communicate your priorities and accept each other's need. Maybe you need time to focus on your career and your partner needs time to foster this relationship. Maybe what you need is open communication to navigate these different needs. But maybe the first question is about love. Does love exist, is there still enough of it, is it still valuable enough? Does it feel like a "pinch" or does it feel like "For Life, for death?"
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Dear Swastika,
I just went through my life's first break up. As shown in movies, I was also really sad in the beginning but I somehow managed to cheer myself up a few weeks later. Well, it's just been a month since that day. I wanted to know if it's practically possible to be friends with your ex. I asked many of my friends and the only answer I get is if my feelings are intense and if I cannot see her stand with another guy, I should not be friends. Sounds fair enough. Well, I also agree that but there's another part of me that says we've known each other for two years and I'll lose my best friend if I let her go. I actually talked to her about it but both of us are confused. Some of her replies make me feel me feel that she doesn't want to see me anymore. I'll be happy with either of the decision but I'm confused about what is good. Sometimes I feel relationship is not my cup of tea and I promise myself that I won't get into any relationship anymore...I doubt myself. At the end of the day, I just want to be happy and move on, and love and be loved, and cherish my life. But, I'm really, really confused.
---Confused man
I usually raise my own eyebrow up in distrust for someone who tells me that they think they are over with a relationship in few weeks. Darling, no one gets over a relationship that easily unless you are a heartless, emotionless, cold-hearted, apathetic zombie. The day begins in the middle of the night and the night begins in the middle of the day. Relationship doesn't just suddenly end one fine day. The darkness in a relationship probably creeps in like a bug on some fine sunny day while lovers are basking in the sunshine of love. Breakups don't just find its complete closure at the declaration of its end and weeks of Dev Das styled grieving. This dusk of this break up is going to go on for a while, even after you've moved on to the dawn of another relationship.
Breakups unravel so many of our deep emotions, self-doubts, and insecurities from the past. It takes a while to settle that. Right now, the restlessness you feel in redefining your relationship is also a part of getting over this relationship. Your doubt in your ability to have a meaningful relationship, to be happy, to love and be loved is all part of you trying to make sense of your short lived relationship and what it meant for you and for the other person.
I don't know if ex-lovers can ever become friends again. I believe two people can find a peaceful and serene closure that leave both more empowered as individuals. But right now, I think, all this takes time...a long time. Instead of trying to become friends, this is the time to reflect on what she meant for you, what you meant for her, what went wrong, what could have been different, and what new sides did she bring in you? Breathe with an acceptance that she is gone. Re-feel the pain. Let her go. Leave no part of you with her. Re-find yourself by letting her go completely from your life. You are going to need You, a complete version of You, when love knocks at your door again and you find yourself loving and being loved all over again.
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.