My best friend recently broke up with her boyfriend. He was her junior at college. While she has already graduated, he is still doing his undergraduate studies. So he was pretty worried about the education gap. I see that my friend is upset most of the times these days, and I don't know how to help her.
--Piya
Our modern lives are torn between our innate desires and desires imposed by a society that is (sometimes) hypocritical and paradoxical.
I am 5'6" tall with a Master's degree from an Ivy League college with a promising career track and substantial leadership experience. But when I was in a relationship with my now husband, quite a few people cringed at the fact that he was shorter than me, not more attractive than me by traditional standards and on a career trajectory not significantly more promising than mine. In the society where we talk about empowering woman and giving them equal status, I still seemed to require a man to qualify and validate my physical gifts or hard earned success. When friends said, "You deserve better," to me it implied that to every successful woman, there is man more successful and to every attractive woman, there is a more attractive man. Unless you can find the one who is better, then what's the point of being successful or attractive? These are the same people who "feel glad for me" when my husband's career, popularity and social recognition grow more than mine. Somehow, woman's worth is measured by the man she marries.
Your friend is probably also torn between her innate desires and the desires imposed by the society. She is worried about social approval. The notion of "perfect couple" in today's time has a man who is taller, has a higher educational and career status. The woman, on the other hand, is required to be fair, still slightly shorter when she wears two inches pencil heels, make slightly less money and be slightly less popular. I call it the wedding picture syndrome. Somehow, the idea that the husband is not to appear taller, smarter, more accomplished on the wedding picture is a significant cause for anxiety. Our minds are so colonized by patriarchal residues that, I have to admit, I am sitting down next to my husband in most of my wedding pictures.
I think we need to be reminded that we do not live our lives for perfect pictures but for perfect moments. Perfect moments are only possible with people whose heart is synchronized with ours in a way that the time flies in their company and life just effortlessly sways away.
There is something worth more than the notion of a "perfect couple" and it is called Happiness. Sometimes it requires you to break social barriers and sometimes it takes you to bring down the barriers of your own mind.
Social Media: An ocean of self-doubt
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Dear Swastika,
I've been dating a girl for the last six months and we've become intimate in the recent months. I really love her and I'm fully committed to her. But the problem is that her past is haunting her and she's not ready to accept me wholeheartedly. She had three break-ups in the past and she doesn't want to fall in love again. I feel that she spent all her love in the past and there's nothing left for me except her body. She's beautiful and thinks that boyfriends come and go but for me she's the entire world. I'm shy and reserved and she's outgoing and carefree. She was the one who asked me out on the first date. But now she says we're not even a couple although we do everything like a couple. The only reason we're still together is that she enjoys my company and she doesn't want to break my heart. She says she doesn't want to see me suffer like she did. I feel like it's not love but just pity. I've often thought of leaving her but she's the only one I ever loved so deeply that I cannot imagine my life without her. And an average looking person like me doesn't have much choice either. I'm obsessed and my only medicine is her elusive love. Please suggest me if there's anything else that can help me forget her.
--Ruben
When you stand by the very edge of the platform to bungee jump, you have the power to decide – to jump or to not jump. But once you take the leap and fall free, there's nothing much you can do but to let gravity do its work. Eventually, when you hang upside down on the lowest possible point, you hold on to a bamboo stick that slowly pulls you to the land of safety and stability.
To me it sounds like you're currently in the "free fall" state of your relationship. There's nothing much you can do that's not going to hurt. Continuing this relationship will be like a constant feeling of sand slipping away from your tight fist. Letting her go right now will cause a sudden jerk that'll be excruciatingly painful and bitter. Memories and craving for her presence will be too strong for you to just shrug her off and forget.
So there's nothing you can do right now than keep falling...falling in love, in desperation, or obsession. Meanwhile, it seems that she too is swinging back and forth with no agency. She seems to be conflicted by her past and is whimsical about the present state of her relationship with you. But it's not clarity or answers that you need right now. You don't need to know if it's pity or if it's love. You need patience to let this relationship and the tension within it to ripen to the right moment when the fall comes to an end.
Eventually, you'll find your equilibrium and she'll find hers. You'll hold on to a log and find your shore. She'll hold on to a log and find hers. At this point, you might decide to walk up the hill towards the same destination or part your ways. Right at that shore, as you stand facing each other, having found your clarity and peace, you'll have the chance to make a decision about your life.
You might wonder, how will you know that you've reached the lowest point of your relationship? How will you know which log to hold on to? How will you know that you've arrived onto your shore? Listen carefully to the voice of your heart and you'll surely know. You'll reach a point when you can no longer stand the feeling of being pitied; when the frustration of the futile relationship supersedes the fear of being alone or of not having another shot at love. There'll be a point when you don't want to understand her but crave to be understood. There'll be a point where your desire for a stable relationship and desire to start a family overpower her physical charms. There'll be a time when someone else extends a hand towards you and you'll hold it to the shore.
You might never ever forget her. A part of your heart might always feel numb. Something in your guts might always feel unresolved. But that's okay. You'll move on.
For now, do what all bungee jumpers do...stretch your arms wide open and enjoy the free fall as if there's no tomorrow. Don't hold on to her too tight. Do not fear what you have and what you might lose. Be at the moment. Just let go. Let gravity do its job.
