I was trying to get some sleep when I came across the news, in an online site, about a Nepali migrant woman in Portugal developing relation with another male despite having a husband back in Nepal. As I am in Portugal, I subscribe to various social forums here and this news was shared in one such open forum. The writer's antagonism to women based on a one sided male perspective was supported by various comments from readers, some going as far as expressing their desire to kill such women. The faces of angry men running after this woman with stones in their hands and calling her names in the streets of Lisbon kept haunting me all night.In a 2015 study 'Nepalese women migrants in Portugal and their experience with socio-cultural integration' Manika Bajracharya highlights the experience of her interviewees that not much has changed about the way women are looked at. Single women find it difficult to seek any help from males or are hesitant to be spotted with one as they fear being labeled "spoilt". Many of the women said they felt safer in the company of the Portuguese and mentioned that the Portuguese would never comment on them or try to touch them when they are drunk. But sadly they could not say the same of many Nepali men.
The journalist in the above piece does not bother to include the female perspective and does not hesitate to flash the names of the people involved. It is intriguing that information need not be credible before making it public. Apart from having been spotted with another male and the decrease in frequency of her communication with her husband, no other evidence has been cited. It is not the details of this particular news that I want to get into. I only want to voice my concern over the male-centric perspective and their obsession with controlling and defining women's sexuality.
Growing up I also read those "true stories" (satya/tathyakatha) revolving around sexual acts, most of which would paint females as promiscuous. I vaguely remember a line in one such story:"She didn't have to do much at office: clean the rooms, transport the files, make tea and lift her dress when Subba wanted.") As a teen I thought how easy it was for women to make a living and the male had to work hard to make ends meet; now I question various aspects of these "true stories": overlooking of the oppression of women within work spaces, including continuation of devaluation of women's labor, sexual exploitation and victim blaming.
What's more, the question of ethics raised in such stories only seemed to scrutinize women, perpetuating victim blaming and reestablishing male sexual dominance. Why is there such differential treatment of males and females even though both are involved in the same act? Why does our culture "worships phalluses, but women are raised to believe in their own shamefulness" (Mitali Saran, 2016)?
Shaming is a tool used to maintain effective control over women's sexuality. More often than not women are culture bearers in our societies and the modesty of women is linked to family honor; any question on that is associated with bringing bad name to the family. Shaming is often used to "regulate" sexual acts in public places: we've seen or heard of the police forcing young couples in public places like Chobhar to catch their ears and do sit ups, a common form of shaming that was prevalent in schools until recently. Pictures of couples in public spaces are shared on social media with criticism, without their consent. It is a shame that such exercise of control overriding the right to privacy largely finds support among the public and administration.
Control over female sexuality is also linked to the male psychology; men desire respect and the fear of losing respect adds to his irrational need to control the behaviors of his female partner. Any sexual contacts the female companion would have with other men would be a huge blow on his masculinity and self-esteem and subject of ridicule in the society and this threat compels men to be extremely cautious in protecting their women (and their male ego).
Raised as a male in a deeply patriarchal society that lauds control of women's sexuality as defining characteristic of maleness and which labels females as bad as soon as they exercise their sexuality, I am new to "free range vaginas" (Mitali Saran, 2016). But I have no doubt about one's right to their body and sexuality. Each of us should enjoy equal rights and privileges and we should do away with any thoughts and practices that apply restrictions or discriminate.
When I discussed with a colleague this article, her question was: where will you share this? Will the men have access to this discussion? She alerted me about its effectiveness if it was limited to the academic circle. I also feel that discussions of such kind are limited in Nepali society, even among people with higher education and exposure. I believe that we need open discussions on these issues and give space to the female views and not let them be limited to "vagina monologues". Discourse might not change things immediately but it does change the way we think and I believe that is the first step to meaningful change.
The author is pursuing European Masters in Social Work with focus on families and children
dahalsanjeev@gmail.com
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