"I remember my mother telling me to do this and that. I guess she was just preparing me, having gone through the experience of being a new bride herself," she says. Astha had been groomed to "behave" a certain way with her in-laws. Even during the wedding reception, Astha remembers her mother looking troubled if she didn't talk to the guests properly, didn't eat in a certain way, and if she was a second too late while seeking blessings from the elders.
It wasn't that her in-laws expected her to be a traditional bride. But even if they had, her husband came from a different school of thought and would have supported Astha no matter what. They were a team whenever she had to oblige her in laws in various household chores. But she couldn't forget the etiquette, rules, and above all, her parents, who wanted her to be a "good" daughter-in-law. "My in-laws were cool and not very strict. Yet, I made sure I did everything my mother asked me to," she says, adding that she had been raised in a culture that had all these expectations from a daughter in-law.
As clichéd as it may sound, in our culture, it is understood that a bride or a groom marries not only each other but their families as well. But most of the times, it's the bride who has to compromise more than her husband to adjust to the new surroundings and family members. And when she is married off, there are more than enough people from both sides telling her how to behave in her new home, so that she is not chided by anyone. But no one can really say if she won't be, because there's always one or the other, who will find a fault in whatever she does. Just one of the many benefits of being a daughter-in-law.
Bhawana Subedi* can relate to what Astha had to go through. She, too, had to religiously follow the rituals, treating her parents-in-law with more reverence than she had bestowed her own parents. She says that the greatest thing she had to lose when she got married was her freedom.
"The freedom I got as a daughter can't even be compared to how the situation is now," she says. Even though her in-laws are really supportive and look after her child as she goes to work every day, she feels obligated and guilty. "I don't know if that's the culture, or because I want to be with my child, but I really feel bad sometimes that I have to leave my child in their care and that I'm troubling them," she says.
So it happens that once a woman is married and has a child, there is no way to be guilt free. Even to take a weekend off from the work for a little me-time takes months and months of planning and practice. "That still doesn't ensure that I will have that time off. Anything could come up last minute," she says.
It isn't that men aren't loaded with added responsibilities. In fact, a lot of them complain that they are expected to take care of the family. At least the society doesn't expect the women to shoulder the burden or run the house. However, Prabesh Rai, 29, has something different to share. He has been married for eight years and had known his wife for at least six years before that. Together, they have a two year old daughter. He has a store that sells all kinds of dress materials in Dharan, and the husband and wife both look after it.
"I suppose it is because we have had a really long time to get to know each other. We could share our dreams and ambitions. We are actually very happy. I'm proud to say that we overcame all the obstacles together, helping each other along the way. We have been extremely supportive and understanding," he says.
Undoubtedly, communication plays an important role in any relationship. Richa Sharma, 27, says that she is in same thought level as her husband. It made things easier to share and understand what each wanted from the other, and from life. "Not only dreams and expectations from a marriage, my husband even used to tell me everything about his family, so that I wouldn't have difficulty adjusting after marriage," she says.
However, that doesn't mean that it is always a smooth ride. Even after months of tying the knot, the newly-weds come undone by the little differences that being two different individuals brings. In our culture, this is a relatively smaller problem than the bride not knowing the family. "In any function or get-together, I demanded that my husband stay by my side, literally, so that I would know who to get blessing from, who to greet, and likewise. A heads up before marriage is never enough," says Richa.
Though the new couples don't shy away from sharing their thoughts and beliefs with each other, sometimes, miscommunication is unavoidable, especially when living in a joint family. Brides stumble upon a precarious position in the house, because she is still a new family member and will be treated like an outsider. Above all, it is harder for them to please the mother-in-law because given how they were treated by their mother-in-laws they will try to force fit their daughter-in-laws into roles they might not be willing to take up.
Prakriti Raimajhi* doesn't live with her in-laws. But whenever they go back to their family during various festivals and family occasions, the relatives are just too nosy.
"It is nothing less than being interrogated. All the small things are scrutinized. And I can't afford to let my guard down. They will surely exaggerate it or distort the fact and let my husband know. We have had arguments because of it more than a couple of times," she says, adding, "What is up with relatives trying to pick at the innocent newlywed brides?"
And it is at moments like these that a spouse seeks asylum where s/he won't be judged, privacy invaded, and left in peace. "Because whenever you fight, there's nowhere to go. You go to your parents' house, they have hundreds of questions for you," she says, adding, "At least before marriage, you have that power to leave him if things come to that. But after marriage, it's the finality in our culture, the fact that this is all I have that scares me."
However, good moments make up for every other bad moment, and if the husband is supportive, and strikes a balance between the family and his wife, all could be well. This should perhaps be a responsibility that all husbands must loyally shoulder. The point of a marriage is, after all, for a couple to start a new life and be happy.
Dr Amrit Sapkota, 26, says that marriage has made him feel that his wife cares for him more than ever before. "Even though getting married means living with a person you thought you knew, but that's not always the case, I think our bond has become stronger," he says.
Being married is about learning about each other and growing together – as individuals and couples. "We knew that marriage would be about compromises and sacrifices. So no matter what the differences are, we work around it. After all, happiness is our ultimate goal," he says.
*names changed
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