Neha Rijal, 25, a teacher currently on maternity leave, is single-handedly taking care of her child since her husband is working in Dubai. However, despite the work commitments that keep him physically away, she feels that he’s been immensely caring and responsible. And this love and concern for his family has only increased with the birth of the baby.[break]
“When I think of him working extra hours for us, my feelings for him get even stronger,” she says.
When a couple communicates well, understands each other’s needs and mutually decides to have a baby, it makes the responsibilities of parenting relatively easier. Even if the couple cannot be together due to work or other obligations, things tend to remain smooth and happy between them.
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But the transformation from being a couple to becoming parents can get awkward, owing to so many changes in the circumstances. Suddenly, movies, dates, outings and excursions become next to impossible. Even a decent night’s sleep can become rare if the baby is a night owl. Expenses amplify dramatically, and all of a sudden, everything in the house starts getting baby-friendly. It becomes an achievement to maintain cleanliness and order in the rooms. Work pressure increases and luxury expenditures are cut down. People go through hormonal changes. And altogether it becomes difficult to scoop out some quality couple time in the midst of this hustle and bustle.
Karuna Kuwar, a psychologist, considers mental preparedness to be of topmost priority in the scenario. Psychological readiness is a vehicle that brings financial planning and other future strategies into the picture. Without these, parenting is a tedious, demanding and frustrating job. “Having a baby is normal but it can get problematic if not preplanned,” she insists.
Unlike Neha, there are many women who are stressed about having a baby but are hesitant to talk it out. They don’t discuss their fears and uncertainties with their partners. Changing the relationship status from being single to married isn’t just a matter of clicking a facebook tab and uploading happy wedding pictures. It comes with a world of changes and responsibilities which only magnify with the arrival of a baby. And if one of the partners isn’t ready for parenthood, it becomes the root of many other problems.
Srishti Shah, 30, a beautician, believes that motherhood is as uncomplicated or challenging as a couple wants it to be. A woman can be a good mother and a perfect wife at the same time, she claims, provided her husband is supportive enough.
A mother of two girls, she too was initially scared of motherhood and the responsibilities that came with it. So she voiced her concerns clearly to her husband. After much contemplation and preparations, they conceived their first baby only four years later. Finances, for this affluent couple, weren’t really an issue. So it was all about getting mentally ready for sleepless nights, frequent visits to the doctor, the smell of baby products and an overall baby-friendly atmosphere.
“My husband quelled my fears and worries by getting domestic helpers that ensured plenty of rest and comfort for me,” she explains.
Psychologist Kuwar regards early parenthood as a testing phase for men. Most men, due to the lack of physical and emotional intimacy from their partners, have extramarital affairs during this period. A hormonal wife, a tiny baby, a houseful of chores, increase in pressure, lack of entertainment and nobody to talk to may create havoc upon a male’s psyche. In such a situation, if he meets somebody new, he may have an emotional or physical affair.
Kul Sedhai, a computer professional, is a proud father of a baby boy. He enjoys coming home after work and spending time with his family. He believes that cheating depends upon an individual. If somebody’s promiscuous in nature, he’ll cheat anyway, whether his wife is having a baby, is out of town or is running fever. But when a person sets his priorities right, extra stress, hormonal changes and physical and emotional discomfort seldom become a reason for infidelity.
“You get nine months to prepare yourself for this. It’s the duty of every husband to stand by his wife as they enter parenthood together,” he says.
Joint families are usually deemed pragmatic and preferred over nuclear ones during such times. It’s comforting to have responsible and experienced helping hands around so that the couple themselves can take occasional respites from their parenting duties and spend some quality time with each other. Also, being in a familiar structure would provide more company which reduces the chances of seeking company elsewhere.
Kul lives with his parents and it has turned out to be really beneficial. The responsibilities of the new parents are shared by the older ones, and even financially the burden has lessened. Having his parents around has helped him take on the role of a father with extra confidence.
“Being a father is a tough job. Having my parents around has helped me do it better,” he smiles.
Indeed, the father, though not directly and intimately attached with the little one, bears equal responsibility, economic and otherwise. He may not give birth or breastfeed, nevertheless, equal contribution is required from his side too when it comes to striking a balance between relationships. He’s one of the parents and therefore a major figure when it comes to planning for a future baby.
However, planning and preparations aside, sometimes human emotions take center stage and it becomes rather difficult to deal with things. Usually, early parenthood is combined with some level of postpartum depression for women. This psychological condition can make a woman moody, cranky and difficult. Therefore, it’s during this phase that they need their partners the most.
Psychologist Kuwar considers it an outcome of stress that should be handled patiently. Pregnancy and childbirth bring about a lot of physical and psychological changes in a woman. And though people rarely talk about it, dealing with such hormonal changes is crucial in maintaining the marital bond.
Gareema Bajgain, 25, a new mother, describes the postnatal phase as an extremely hormonal and tumultuous one. She could feel changes in her own self and behavior. Time management became a huge issue and going out with a small baby turned into a hassle each time. As a person who is obsessed with keeping things immaculately clean and organized, she also had a hard time dealing with messy rooms.
Since she lives in the US, the only person to help her was her husband. Therefore, couple bonding and mutual understanding became very important to them not just to raise the baby but also to keep things happy and smooth between them. She’s thankful that her husband helped her handle everything perfectly as they adjusted to the new life without straining their existing relationship.
“It gets real busy since it’s just the three of us. But we make the most out of fun-filled family moments,” she gushes.
Welcoming a new member to the family is mostly a grand and happy occasion. In fact, for many couples, it’s the most awaited and significant aspect of their relationship. However, the same situation can take an unwanted twist and turn nasty if one or both the partners are unprepared, unwilling or unappreciative of this major transformation.
It’s quite challenging to slip into the role of a parent from that of a spouse with a baby in tow. However, if the partners are smart enough, they can use this as a wonderful opportunity for productive family time. A baby, instead of becoming a barrier, can become a bridge, provided the parents take their responsibilities seriously, plan carefully, communicate openly and understand patiently.
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