I have a good set of friends and we care about each other a lot. The problem is that I cannot say no to them, even when I want to. When I do say no, my reasons and excuses die down in front of them. Just recently, I wanted to spend my Saturday at home doing nothing but I got dragged to a classmate’s birthday party. I try my best to put my foot down at times, but I never get my way. I don’t want to hurt my friends but I want to learn to say no to them. Can you suggest something?
- Anu
I can totally relate to your situation. Saying “no” while still keeping alive the relationship that you value is a tough art. Anyway, a couple of tips might be helpful here. First, know yourself and assert yourself to your friends – “I need to spend some time with myself to be able to feel fresh and energized for the entire week.” If appropriate, based on your needs, make rules for yourself and communicate them to your friends – “Saturdays are family days for me,” or “I never leave the house before completing my assignments.” This way, your friends won’t take it personally. Try compensating each no with a positive yes – “I don’t want to come on Saturday but how about we meet up instead (someday, sometime, somewhere)”? The other trick is to never over-explain yourself. Stick to one reason, and instead of using “I can’t,” use “I don’t want to.” It makes a big difference. Once you refuse, consistently stick with it so that they know you are always firm in your decisions. Lastly, when you are with your friends, never miss an opportunity to express how much you care for them and their friendship.[break]
Dear Swastika,
I tutor class five students to earn some pocket money. Learning this, a guy in the neighborhood, who thinks of me as a brother, came to seek advice from me. He is 22 years old and has studied up to class 12. He has been living with his brothers since two years. He says he wants to work but hasn’t found a job. He’s considering going abroad for work and this is where he seeks my suggestion. Frankly, I’m not sure what I should tell him. Is it okay if I tell him to go ahead with his plan? Or should I ask him to take a course here which might help him find a good job in Kathmandu?
-Niraj
This is interesting – you asking me for advice on what to advise! I would start by laying down all the “options” that he has in front of him – of going abroad or staying in Nepal etc. I would then map out possibilities of where these two or three options could lead him – what are the best case scenarios as well as the worst case scenarios for each option? I would then map out the costs of each option, not just financial, but the social and emotional costs that are involved. Once everything is mapped out for him, I would ask him to make that decision himself by asking if he’s ready to face the worst case scenario and pay the costs that are involved for the possibility of what opportunities might await him. The best way to advise people is to help them see clearly what options they have, what possibilities, and what costs they are up against. Once they see that, they are the ones best equipped to make a decision.
Dear Swastika,
I hate Math, and my Math teacher picks on me. She always finds faults with my work, scolds me for not coming to the class in time and laughs at my homework. Even when I submit correct solutions, she writes bad comments to make me feel bad. I’m sure she does this intentionally. I still have two more years to suffer. Please help me.
– Angry
Sometimes teachers act tough to help you achieve better, but sometimes they’re just human and prone to ego and stupidity like the rest of us. Wait a minute; you probably think that your teacher is the latter. Postpone your judgment. For a minute, let’s allow ourselves to entertain both the options – your teacher could be good intentioned or evil headed. There’s only one way to find out now – by asking her. But first, separate your “feelings” from “facts.” If she threw your homework paper on your face, it is a fact. If you think she’s intentionally picking on you – it is “your” feeling. Know that your teacher is responsible towards you for the facts and not for your feelings. Once you clearly understand that, go to her, lay down the facts and ask her why she did what she did. As for the feelings, feel free to express them in what we call “I-statement” – “I feel I’m being picked on,” “I feel I’m being unnecessarily harassed…” etc. Talk it out. This way, the remaining two years can be the best two years of your school life.
Hi Swastika,
I think my neighbor has taken a liking to me. What’s weird is that I’m 18 and he’s in his 30s. Even weirder, he’s somewhat mentally retarded. I’ve never spoken to him, only thrown lolas once five years ago. I study by my window, which directly faces his shop. He’s mostly just outside his shop with a stupid grin on his face, sitting where I can clearly see him and I think he does this intentionally. So I always have to close my curtains. Once when I was on my rooftop, he made a sound and I saw him hide in his rooftop. I’m really worried and freaked out. Maybe I’m being paranoid but I’m afraid he’ll turn into a psycho for real. I feel like I’m being watched everywhere I go – the rooftop, stairs, verandah. It’s suffocating and nerve-wracking. I try and hide as much as possible but I don’t see this as a solution. My parents don’t know about this, and confronting him is the last thing I want to do and he has no parents or siblings here that I know of. Please help me.
- Scared
Sometimes, the last thing that we want to do is always “the” thing that we need to do. It’s very hard to tell from the description of his action if he’s a real threat and danger. Simply because he’s a little mentally challenged may not mean that he’s dangerous. But if you feel uncomfortable and unsafe in your guts, I would trust that instinct. I understand that confronting him is awkward and may appear presumptuous. I know when we feel harassed, our natural instinct is to turn around and walk away. Instead, what is helpful is to make an eye contact and talk. I’ve heard that at times like these, making an eye contact and having a casual conversation somehow reduces the threat and ill intentions. Instead of hiding, even though at first you might feel very scared or nervous, you should put up a relaxed face and make an eye contact and smile. When possible, have a casual conversation. But even after that, if you continue to feel unsafe, it’s absolutely important to bring it to your parents’ attention. Go by your guts, deep inside we can sense danger. Trust your instincts and caution people whom you need to protect you.
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