I come across many male inhabitants of Kathmandu who instinctively find other men sexually attractive but are uncomfortable about this kind of attraction and as they fear the social ostracism that will invariably follow if their sexual inclination become known. This suppression comes at a price. In denying their true sexual feelings, these men come to despise not only themselves but also other men who are attracted to the same sex. This phenomenon is known as internalized homophobia. In short, homophobia is "internalized" when homosexual men or women direct their prejudice at themselves: they either loath themselves or, because of this self-loathing, express hostility at others.
Men with same-sex attraction frequently deny their urges. Sometimes the denial is sub-conscious. Such men are often married and have children. Some of them marry as they are initially unaware of their feelings. Most of these individuals at some point experience sexual and emotional arousal towards other men. As tension and loneliness accompanies this suppression, they fail to love their wives and children adequately.As a means of resolving their dilemma, some have been known to search for newer and younger wives, thinking that their feelings for men may evaporate when they get that "special" nubile girl. They therefore embark on a string of extra-marital affairs. Some others may start drinking heavily, or using other forms of drugs to numb their real feelings. In too many instances, men in this situation will resort to domestic assault and violence, beating their wives and sometimes their children as a means of coping with their sexual frustration.
There is another category of men who express their self-hatred by denigrating other homosexual people—especially if they are also male. This denigration is expressed through assault and other forms of violence, both mental and physical. By engaging in such behavior, the perpetrator projects his perceived lack of masculinity onto his victim, thereby compensating for his own self-disgust.
Some others develop anxieties about their sexuality, masculinity, and fear of rejection which become so acute that their mental health suffers, and they may attempt self-harm. Especially in a developing country like Nepal, suicide may have immense implications for the victim's extended family, economically and socially.
According to recent researchers, internalized homophobia is the counterpart of sexual prejudice among heterosexuals, between lesbians, gays and bisexuals. It also refers to acceptance and endorsement of sexual stigma as part of the individual's value system and self-concept. Whether they realize it or not, gay men are always negatively affected and hurt by hatred and discrimination.
In Nepal, the most common form of internalized homophobia is 'denial', a psychological defense mechanism older generations of Nepalis commonly employ. In this case, denial is often attributable to ignorance and lack of scientific understanding of sexuality. Their lack of skill in modern technology, compounded with lack of English skills, limits their learning of human sexuality and gender issues.
Another impediment for the older generations is family. As their men are mostly married and with grown-up children, they deny their sexuality for fear of losing their family, together with the dignity and honor of the family within the local community and wider society. While some engage in same-sex relations clandestinely, others turn to recreational drugs and alcohol. Interestingly, media awareness and internet access appears to be discouraging young Nepalis having same-sex preference from embracing drugs and alcohol as a means of escape.
A second defense mechanism stemming from internalized homophobia is called "the aggressive form of denial", which is commonly used by members of fundamentalist groups found in Christianity, Judaism and Islam. This is regarded as the worst kind of internalized homophobia because of the fiercely hateful rhetoric and actions that these "aggressive deniers" exhibit so as to inflict maximum hurt and injury to gay people. Although this form of internalized homophobia is rarely—if ever—seen in Nepal, there have been reports of gay and transgender murders in Kathmandu, which are yet unsolved. There are other murders of homosexual people where it is believed perpetrators were members of their families. Due to lack of evidence, the culprits are still at large.
A third kind of internalized homophobia is the "closet homosexual". This is a homosexual person who has few or multiple same-sex relationships but is at pains to hide the fact from everyone they know and love. Being "in the closet" is also described as a "life shaping pattern of concealment" which has strong supporters in some countries where it's seen as an incontrovertible right of homosexual people to privacy. This is in spite of "closet cases" also suffering from low self-respect, not to mention high anxiety, increased risk of depression and suicide, and the lack of general fulfillment. It's my observation that most of Nepal's homosexual men suffer from this internalized homophobia. It exists because most of these men are unable to escape marriage with a member of the opposite sex on account of social and cultural pressures.
A fourth kind is "closet-with-the-open-door", a type of internalized homophobia that appeals increasingly to Nepal's young and educated youth who are coming to recognize their homosexual orientation. These people are only partially closeted. They have gay relationships, and don't completely hide their sexuality amongst gay friends, but they make a point not to talk about it with family, friends, co-workers or—if they are public figures, which some are—the media. Sometimes gay people do this for their own safety, for example, if they know they could face possible violence at work or lose their home if they are living with homophobic family members. There is a practical side to being careful. In western countries, many gays have gay friends, gay friendly parents, but still they remain silent. Often, they say things like "it's not anybody's business," or "we don't talk about those things" when questioned. Australia's Nobel laureate in literature, Patrick White, was fond of saying "I might be homosexual but I'm not gay", which is another characterization of this attitude.
The root of this avoidance and secrecy is shame and fear: disappointing people who, for us, are significant; having to facing blatant homophobic behavior from others; and lack of social acceptance. Sadly, this kind of internalized homophobia encourages, rather than discourages, subtle and systemic discrimination. It makes a statement that even gay people believe that gays and lesbians should be marginalized. When they retreat from advocating on their own behalf and others in need of their support, homosexual people weaken their argument for rights and recognition. Additionally, people in this part of the spectrum are often the most avid deniers of the existence of "internalized homophobia".
The last category comprises people who are "out" or public about their homosexuality. In Nepal, there are very few people with same-sex preference who are "out". This is because most of the country's citizens are neither well informed about homosexuality nor comfortable with it. "Out" people are the opposite of "closeted" ones and have had homosexual friends previously or had homosexual contacts while they were studying or working abroad. Males in this category do have tendencies to dislike gays who are seen as effeminate, flamboyant, sexually passive, and closeted.
Just as overt and covert homosexuality exists across all cultures, so too does homophobia but its form and severity may differ. In some contexts, difference is attributable to religious factors. In others, it's attributable to political factors and in still others to geography.
The author is Founding President of National Forum for Democracy and Development (NFDD)
president@nfdd.net, info@nfdd.net
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