Recently I read an essay by Darby Saxbe on ‘mindful underparenting’ in the New York Times International Edition. The first question that came to my mind is ‘isn’t underparenting a harmful parenting style that involves neglecting a child's basic needs, both physical and emotional?’ For a person who cares very much and frequently writes about parenting, this was very depressing. I was put-off by the idea of it. Then came the savior ‘mindful’. Despite my concern, I decided to read it.
I was pleasantly surprised to read that mindful underparenting reflected something that we in our late middle age, grew up with. There were no daycare centers at the time. As a result, we were right there doing whatever our parents were doing at the time. May it be hammering nails or washing clothes or ever cooking and cleaning around the house. My husband still talks about the fun times they had taking the cattle to the grazing ground. Whether it be riding a buffalo or swimming with it in the river. While remembering he never forgets to mention that his mother was always around somewhere keeping an eye on them. I know most of you are thinking ‘this is gross neglect. What did she think she was doing leaving children alone with the animals? ‘Now that, I know something about mindful underparenting, I say she was unknowingly practicing it. Now the question is, what is mindful parenting?
You will be surprised to know that what our parents and grandparents did with their children to some extent was mindful underparenting. To make it even simpler, consider child-rearing in hunter-gatherer societies in Central Africa. According to Barry Hewlett, an anthropologist, who studied the hunter-gatherer societies in Central Africa, children in those societies spend lots of time with their parents. They tag along throughout the day and often help their parents with various tasks like foraging. At the same time, they are rarely the main object of their parents’ attention. Sometimes they get bored, sometimes engaged, still these kids spend most of their time observing adults busy in work.
Worth of stories
I remember my three and five year old grand-daughters, imitating their teachers and sometimes their parents’ actions. This shows their power to observe and imitate. This indeed is a very useful skill to have as they grow. I am sure you will agree with me when I say that human beings have spent a lot of collective time on Earth as hunter-gatherers. During that time our brains and bodies evolved and adapted to suit that lifestyle. I am sure you will agree that hunter-gatherer cultures tell us something very important about how children are prepared to learn. By now, you must have realized that one of the best things parents can do — for their children and for themselves— is to go about their own lives while their children tag along. This I would call mindful underparenting.
While children follow their parents, they learn to act on direct instruction, while modeling and watching their parents at work along with other people in action regardless of what the action they are witnessing. May it be washing clothes or cleaning the house or even changing the tire of their car or hammering a nail to hang a family photo in their living room. Oftentimes, adult activities will bore them. Then again, these activities also provide children an opportunity to learn to tolerate boredom, which fosters patience, resourcefulness and creativity. This in turn equips children for adulthood. According to a neuroscience research, a resting mind is not always an idle mind. The research further indicates that when our mind is left alone to do its own things, they get busy. Taking a cue from the research if you want your children to be empathetic, and imaginative, capable of figuring out how to entertain themselves, leave them alone. Try not to keep their minds too occupied. Yes, they will be bored but it is also an opportunity for them to learn to deal with boredom without turning to the screen.
Parents will be tempted to entertain them or provide distractions to their children to beat boredom. This encourages dependency in their children. Instead, parents need to be there for their children when they are upset or in danger and require guidance. Parents need to intervene and help when needed. So how do you manage? Well, the best way is to leave your children alone most of the time, while keeping an eye on them and thus conserve your energy necessary to provide help and full attention when they need it.
These days, with both parents becoming engaged in their work, they tend to become part-time parents. In our community, most of the time the grandparents are there or else it’s the daycare centers caring for the children. Parents don’t have the time to engage with their children. But in an ideal world, imagine leaving children free to roam outdoors, unsupervised. I can imagine their joy and happiness and the energy that comes from the fact that they are free to do whatever they want to. I had an opportunity to spend time in my maternal grandparent’s home in Assam as a child. It was a village, so plenty of plants and trees and lots of running around with my older cousins along mud roads with no vehicles except bicycles. I still remember fishing with our hands on the local river, chasing lambs, climbing trees to check bird’s nests for eggs. Sometimes, there was nothing to do except be bored. I know providing such ‘free range’ experience is not an option for plenty of parents. For them, the next best thing is mindful underparenting. However, for those who come to the villages, they still have a choice and option to utilize the festival time they spend with their family to provide free range experience to their children. Let them see how to milk the cows or buffalos. Let them run around with the lambs. Let them play with the mud and water. Let them catch fish in the pond under supervision of course. After all, how many children will be able to tell their friends they milked a cow or ran around with lambs, 20 years down the road?
While you are providing this experience to your children, you are also thinking, ‘how am I going to do this all by myself?’ Remember you grew up in your village. Get help. Parenting becomes much easier when you learn to enjoy the social trust born from shared investment in care. So, you see, underparenting requires structural change. It requires as a society, we build back our tolerance for children in public spaces. As annoying and distracting as they can be, create safe environments where lightly supervised kids can roam freely. Ask your grandmother how she raised so many kids all alone and she will say, “it takes a village to raise a child”. A perfect example of a society that treats children as one of their own and keeps a collective eye on all children regardless of who they belong to, freed the parents to work on their fields or do other duties.
(The author is an educationist and has been writing for Republica for more than a decade. She is also an author of several children’s books and can be reached at pokharelusha@gmail.com)
