I have chosen a pleasant topic to discuss. It is natural for you to praise when your children do good. It is a basic thing to do because children consider praise a reward. Well, there is a problem with that too, if you don’t use your words correctly and wisely. I know you are confused now. Relax! As children grow, it is not easy to handle them but parenting as such becomes difficult by the day. Appreciating your children is a part of parenting.
All children love being told how good they are but praising comes with its own pitfalls. Boosting self-esteem is wonderful. At the same time, parents also need to be careful how they praise and make sure that the children understand why they are being praised. That’s because parents are responsible for shaping their children’s behavior. The first thing to keep in mind is that praising is also a way to help children learn which actions are acceptable and which are not. Yes, there are ways to use praise wisely. A parent’s praise should help their children become both confident and responsible. When you praise your children, focus on the process and not the outcome of any action performed by your child. If you focus on praising your child’s intelligence, it will do more harm than good, because it will ultimately make them unable to handle failure. Whereas praising your children for their hard work, their efforts, on the other hand, will make them resilient and persistent.
According to psychologists and child development consultants, praising children for being smart is basically praising them for their given genetic abilities, rather than for what they are trying to accomplish. And praising them for the way they have worked to succeed will reinforce their love for the process, their positive attitude, and their desire to improve, and that will make children achieve success. These children will seek challenges and not be disappointed by setbacks. They know how to deal with setbacks. Children who hear their hard work being appreciated will believe that their abilities will grow when they put in more effort. They will not be worried about losing labels like ‘smart’ or ‘great’. Rather they will look forward to challenges.
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Keep in mind that praising your child’s specific behavior and not their innate characteristic can have a big impact on a child’s mindset and their future motivation. You have to make an effort to stay away from phrases like, ‘you are smart’ and ‘good job’. Being more specific while praising is important, and effective. Phrases like ‘good job’ are non-specific. The child has no idea what s/he did to make you happy. At the same time, such phrases do not offer any positive feedback to the child and the child has no clue about what behavior they should repeat in future. Compliment their efforts instead: ‘you worked really hard on that math problem’ or ‘I liked the way you kept trying to solve that puzzle’ or ‘you are playing so nicely now’ when you notice your toddler playing with his/her toys.
Praising children for the way they look can have negative impact on the child. Praising girls for their looks can work towards decreasing their self-esteem. It is entirely possible for them to begin feeling that people like them because of how they look. This can build a tremendous pressure as they grow older. If you feel the need to praise, praise something they can change, like their clothes. So instead of “you look so handsome/pretty!” try the other way of praising with something like, “I love the animals on your t-shirt, which one is your favorite? Why is that?” A pay attention to how you praise a child. This is more important than the words you use.
Experts recommend using warm, nurturing tone, and making eye contact, and where possible, getting down to their level, face-to-face is the best. This increases your child’s confidence. Your choice of words and use of age-appropriate language, depending on your child’s developmental stage, are also equally important. When children start growing, it is but natural for them to compare themselves with others; this is especially true if they have siblings around them. This sibling rivalry or even competition with others becomes a bit tricky and parents need expertise to handle such a situation.
Under such circumstances, your job is not to compare and make them feel bad, but to highlight your younger child’s specialty that is different from that of the older child. Applauding each child's individual strength is the key to solving such a tricky situation. Satisfying both children adequately without either feeling bad is important. For example, you can say, "yes, your brother/sister kicks the ball a long way, but I've noticed you can run really fast." Such an approach helps children learn that everyone has strengths and that they are all different.
You notice your child has received good grades. You obviously want to praise your child but keep in mind the process that resulted in good grades, not the good grades s/he has achieved. Make sure you discuss with them what went well so that they will remember repeating the process to achieve better grades in the future as well. It’s a good idea to use the type of praise that boosts optimism. That’s because optimism and self-esteem go together.
Finally, praise is like a potent medicine and should not be used carelessly. Just like medicines have rules and regulations and restrictions for their administration, so does praise. Too little could be ineffective while too much could have adverse effects. The presumption behind praise is that it makes children feel good and when they feel good, they behave better. Most praise doesn’t make children feel good or motivated. That includes praising too much. If you praise too much, you will lose credibility and your praise is wasted. We all are aware that most widely used praise today decreases a child's motivation instead of increasing it. That’s because children nowadays have started expecting rewards along with praise. That does not mean you should avoid praise, rather just use it more carefully and not overdo it. Over-praising can create pressure for the children to live up to the mark every time and can even develop in them the need to seek approval from others all the time. But if you offer frequent encouragement, and save the praise for when it really counts, your child will be more resilient and confident because of it.
Pokharel is an educationist and author of several children’s books.
usha@pokharel.net
