My girlfriend recently got a haircut, and although she really looks cute, I was for sometime disheartened that she didn't ask me even once before changing her style. I don't mean to be controlling, and had she told me beforehand, I'd have supported her decision. I know it's not even a big deal, and that's why it makes me so anxious. I've always seen my father as a really controlling partner, and mom never does anything before consulting him first. Am I subconsciously turning out like my dad?
--MeYou are who you are. The way you are might have to do with nature or nurture. Maybe you were born a certain way, or maybe you became through learnt behavior. So chill. First accept yourself the way you are.
When we grow up, we learn different things and some of it become a part of our integral personality while some just stay at the level of awareness. In the process of learning, we not only learn "about" new things, but we also learn what to "expect" from different people and situation and also how to "respond" to other people's actions and situations. These later learning is called "sanskar" or in modern psychological term – conditioning. We have learnt to expect certain behavior from certain relationships. We've also learnt to respond to different disappointments in certain ways – with anger, anxiety, or sadness.
What is awesome about you is your sense of self-awareness. There's nothing you can't fight with this awesome tool. You are aware of your conditionings, and you're also aware of your fleeting emotional reactions that are based on your conditioning. Now all you have to do is come to peace with it.
How does one come to peace with oneself? By admitting that there is no "best" way to be. There is no superior sanskar or inferior sanskar. Know that sanskars are both strengths and weaknesses depending on the situation. No matter what kind of conditioning we've received, it can eventually become an obstacle as we face different internal and external changes in our lives and circumstances. To be controlling is as incapacitating of a sanskar as is not being controlling. When situation demands, one might have to be controlling, but people with a strong sense of non-controlling sanskar often feel the sense of anger, anxiety or sadness that you might be feeling at coming across as controlling. The way to come to peace with oneself is to fully accept yourself as you are. There is no "better" self that you have to go down chasing.
But you do have something amazing to celebrate here. Sense of self-awareness is the best tool against the rigidity of sanskars. Self-awareness is what allows you to take a step back and think if your sanskar is helping you or hurting you at the moment. With awareness you can make your sanskars work for you when you need it to work and curb it when you don't need it. You can use your self-awareness to nail down your "controlling" tendencies. At the same time, your self-awareness might also allow you to realize that you value sharing and consulting about decisions when in a relationship. Maybe cutting her hair was her way to playfully surprise you and assert her independence. But when it comes to decisions that affect the relationship, like deciding to leave for abroad studies, your self-awareness should allow you to challenge your new tendency to be "non-controlling" and ask for your share in the decision of where your relationship moves thereafter.
The first and foremost thing is to come to peace with who you are and who you have become while embracing the fact that you are constantly changing – becoming and unbecoming. Just admit what you are today and embrace your awareness and move on. Be honest with your girlfriend as you are with yourself. Let her know that you were taken aback by her sudden decision to cut her hair without letting you know. Tell her how you've been conditioned by your parents' relationship despite strongly believing that she has all the right to make a decision about herself. Tell her that you'd respect her personal decisions in future too. And of course, don't forget to look deeply into her eyes with a reassuring look and tell her how incredibly cute she looks.
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