Thank you for answering my question about my boyfriend being too comfortable with his friend's girlfriend last week (December 30). It really got me thinking. And I had a serious talk with my boyfriend about how the particular event made me feel. He wasn't ready to believe that what he did could have hurt me in this scale, but as we talked further, he said he was ready to come back here, get married to me right away and never go back, if that gave me any solace. While I have always wanted him come back here for good, I'm now worried if it's the right decision because of the current crisis in Nepal. He wants to start a business here. I feel that if he comes back now and doesn't succeed, I will have to bear the guilt of spoiling his future forever because there in the US, I know he has a secured future. I am really confused, because I can't take this long distance relationship anymore. And as the only child of my ageing parents, I cannot go abroad, either. I'm in a fix.
--NimaSo many emotions get entangled in relationships, especially when it comes to long distance relationships. It is good to talk. It is good to keep talking. Keep talking and keep getting him to talk. There are two sides in a relationship and thus if you're getting overwhelmed and confused, he is probably going through a lot of emotional roller coaster too. I'm sure that he craves for closeness and for company like every human being. I'm sure, a part of him wants to rush back to Nepal and be with you and settle down in security and certainty. But there might be other part of him that feels different, has fears and concerns, just like the ones you do. So my advice is to keep talking.
The way our mind tricks us is to make us believe that each thought is a concrete reality. He might have only expressed an option that he's been considering. But your mind has taken you several steps ahead. In your head, he's come back for you, he's started a business, he's failed, and you've already taken the guilt of it all. Pinch yourself. He's still there. You're still here. There are probably millions of thoughts going on in his head, as in yours. Coming back to Nepal and settling down with you probably is one of those million thoughts going on in his head right now. You still haven't talked about the other 99 thousand thoughts that are going on in his head and in yours. These thoughts haven't taken any concrete form yet. Everything is malleable, and changeable. So talk more.
Tell him about your fears, and ask him about his. Tell him how the long distance relationship is taking on a toll on you and ask him how he's doing. Ask him if this relationship is something he still firmly believes in or if it feels like an obligation that he has to rush back and fulfill to just make you feel more secure. Take a step back and really question if this is working out for you or you're just holding on to each other too tightly, wanting to believe that you've found eternal love in each other and that you have to somehow make it work.
The more you talk to each other, the closer you can get to what you really feel for each other. Most of the time, there's too much fear and insecurity around long distance relationship. There is much craving for each other, and much suppressed and unfulfilled desires. And so we spend time weaving dreams, expressing our suppressed and unfulfilled desires in a mental picture we draw of days and moments in future when we would finally be together. Then we hold on to this picture and hold it tightly as we wait for it to come true. And over the time, we become more attached to the picture and the idea of it coming true than with the person in the picture. These feelings cloud our judgment of present reality. We become so consumed holding on tightly to the feelings that is weaved around us, that we forget that the person inside the cocoon is transforming every single moment. The more you sort out through the clouds of thoughts and emotions, the closer you are to the gem of your authentic self. And when you can strip off the cloud of fear, insecurity, need to make the other person feel secure, need to hold on to the memories of the past and picture of the present, and in your bare authentic self still feel love for each other, all the problems will simply dissolve and love and life will begin to flow. You won't have to try to make it work. Easier said than done. But in short, keep talking, not to find a quick solution to this situation, but to find your authentic selves and to find love and connection at this level of raw existence.
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Dear Swastika,
Is it okay to date someone who has been to the prostitutes? I know this guy who is sweet and mature but he recently told me that he has been to the brothel. I'm not disgusted by it at all, but I'm afraid he might have STD. Furthermore, I barely know anything about his history; whether he was one of those guys who whistled at girls or even harassed one. His mysterious nature forbids me to make assumptions in that matter. Recently I've stopped seeing much of him, but I've been missing him a lot. I feel it's difficult to find someone nice. What do I do?
--Anonymous
You know how they say love is blind? You've probably had friends who were so madly in love with something that they didn't see any flaw in that person at all and made decision that was against all logic and common sense. They probably looked at you with disbelief when you told them something that they were simply too blind to see. When you asked them to slow down, they probably looked at you as if you were trying to come in between them and their happiness. I think you're not one of them who can't see through the reality of your context.
You're very aware of your values, your common sense around STDs seems to be active, and you know what you don't yet know about him. The clarity of your mind is something that you can trust as you venture into dating this person, getting to know him and giving him a fair chance. As long as you can maintain the same level of clarity in your own mind, you will know how far to go with this person, and at what red signals to stop and walk away.
You seem to have very clear values around the kind of person that you want or don't want to be. Like you said, there are perhaps a lot that you need to know about him. As and if your relationship moves forward, it might become important for you to know how he views and treats women. Can you really be in a relationship with a person with whom you don't share the same values? What would be the implications on your future in terms of the past that he has created? Keep these questions in the back pocket cautiously if you decide to take this relationship a little further.
It is possible, even for someone as clear headed as you, to slip into the charms and lose clarity and logic. It is good to have a confidante with whom you share your relationship concerns. They come really handy when you stop seeing any flaw in your man and you miss clear red signals and keep moving forward. Find a friend who can bear you through your insanity and won't mind knocking you down when you begin to plan to get physically intimate with this person before he gets tested or get serious about this relationship without fully knowing him and where he stands on values that are important to you.
We all are prone to madness at some point in our lives and because we can't escape this phase, it is good to keep a friend who can induce the electric mad alert when and as needed.
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