All the time you are enjoying the simple joys of parenthood, your child is busy growing and in no time at all they start crawling. One fine day your child starts kicking-and-screaming for no reason (that’s what you think), frustrating you. Welcome to the world of temper tantrums. No don’t panic, these tantrums are normal part of growing up.
I know at times these tantrums are often overwhelming for both parents and children alike. Parents with some experience with little kids will agree with me and add that it starts as early as 18 months and lasts until they are 4 years of age. I know it feels like an eternity but the good part is that as your child gets out of the so-called ‘terrible two’ the frequency of tantrums decreases. By now some parents are already thinking: is there a way to stop these ‘freaking outs’?
There are ways to control these meltdowns, but before we get to that we need to understand why these tantrums happen. Initially these outbursts happen because your child wants your attention. Children as young as 1 and 2 throw a tantrum just because they are unable to communicate their needs: ranging from more milk, a diaper change or even a simple toy that they love. They get frustrated at not being able to communicate and get their demands met and throw a fit.
You can overcome these little fits just by paying some attention to your child and anticipating their needs and fulfilling them before a tantrum results. I am sure you are thinking it can’t be as simple as that! There has to be something deeper than just wanting to assert their demands. Yes you are right there is more to these tantrums than meet our eye. Hence let’s keep one thing in mind: tantrums do not result because kids want to act up. Having said that the other thing to understand is that with the growth of the child, their brain is also gradually developing.
According to scientists, the frontal lobe that coordinates the ability to manage emotions, self-control, and defer desires is in the process of development in a toddler. By the time they are two, they are just beginning to understand themselves as separate individuals and try to assert their wants, needs, likes and dislikes. They are desperately trying to do things for themselves, but are unable to manage in an environment where doing as they wish is not an option. This underdeveloped frontal lobe does not allow the toddler to control their impulse, resulting in a tantrum. Your child’s frustration with the challenges of the moment is the cause of his/her tantrum.
It is entirely possible that your child can’t find the words to express his/ her feelings. If your child is thirsty, hungry or tired, his/her threshold for frustration decreases and this might trigger a temper tantrum. I remember my son as a three and a half years old throwing a tantrum when he wanted to use the toilet. I had to understand and take him to the toilet and when he was relieved, his tantrum stopped. A child’s tantrum is very hard for a parent to handle, especially when the adult brain sees it as unreasonable.
The parent is challenged with the job to see the tantrum for what it is: their child’s inability to manage their emotions, as part of growing up experience. We as parents need to keep in mind that children depend on us to be their role model. Instead we become agitated ourselves and yell at them. Sometimes we even use shaming as a technique without realizing it does not work. I know most of you are asking: so what to do?
Most importantly, know your child’s limits and do not squeeze in activities when your child is tired. Typically, a parent’s best response to a tantrum is to stay calm and think of ways to help their child get through this difficult situation. Tantrums should be handled differently depending on why your child is upset. Sometimes you may need to provide comfort. Other times it’s best to ignore an outburst and distract your child with a new activity.
The best thing would be to start helping him/her to label their emotions. Just keep in mind that one needs to understand one’s emotions to be able to manage them properly. As early as 18 months you can model acceptable methods of expressing anger. It may be punching cushions or stomping or even jumping up and down till they are distracted form the tantrum.
Allowing your child some semblance of independence is another great way to avoid tantrums. Offer minor choices: “Do you want orange juice or apple juice?” Always be clear about what is a choice and what is not. It is always a good idea to avoid saying something like, “Do you want to take a nap now? Because there really is no choice.” Be aware of your child’s feeling. If you can see a tantrum brewing, step in and try distracting your child with another activity.
Distraction usually works like a charm because little children have short attention spans. Being humorous, silly is part of it. It gets their mind off the meltdown and on to the next thing much faster. While you are at it also don’t forget to give plenty of positive attention and reward when your child shows good behavior. Your child will be very happy if you give them some control over little things. At the same time also consider your child’s requests very carefully. It is entirely possible that the request may be reasonable.
Finally when your child has a tantrum, stay calm and not complicate the problem with your own frustration. I know it is easier said than done. It can be tough to keep yourself from having a meltdown during such times, and you tend to get into a power struggle and escalate the whole thing. Still go ahead and give your child a tight hug and speak calmly the next time your child throws a tantrum. Hugs will ensure children that you care about them, even if you don’t agree with their behavior. Try to stay with your child during the whole episode and remember that you are the adult. Now that is not so difficult, is it?
The author is an educationist and author of several children’s books
usha@pokharel.net
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