I'm a person who has been struggling with self-esteem for very long. I went to a reputed high school, where everyone was super talented and I ended up feeling inferior the whole time. Now I'm in a college where there are many who aren't quite competent, but there are also those few who again make me feel inferior. I can't help comparing myself with them and concluding that I'm not as good as them. This inadvertently ends up affecting my work performance. The sad thing, however, is that I do nothing to better myself. I feel I've been losing a lot of energy with all the negativity I conspire. Please don't tell me to get inspired by those narcissists, because that method has failed each time.
--GeetaI think if there's anything that is uniquely human, it's the conflict between our head and our heart that consumes our everyday existence. As I read your question, I clearly see that conflict. Your head knows that you are not inferior, that life is not a competition, and there's no point in comparing yourself with others. At the same time, the tale of your heart is that you feel the sharp bitterness from the sense of being inferior right on your chest. You can't help feel like you're shrinking, numbed into feeling that you can't compete either.
What your heart feels could have come from how you were raised. Maybe you grew up being constantly compared to others. Maybe as a child you (falsely) internalized that the reason why your parent's didn't love you enough was because you weren't the smartest and on top of everyone. Maybe there was a moment in the past where you again (falsely) concluded that you caused your parents to be ashamed. It is possible that there was a bitter experience in school with your teachers or friends where something they said was very harshly judgmental or somehow you later interpreted their words harshly against yourself. Anything could have happened and you may or may not remember the incident. But your heart along with the rest of your body has stored the memory of being hurt, sad, and bitter with the feeling of inferiority.
Your head is a rational thinker. Your head knows. You can clearly identify which people are ahead of you. You're fully aware that you are building a lot of negativity around these people and that it is affecting your personal wellbeing and work performance. You're also aware that so far you haven't taken any active steps to compete against them. So your brain is actively picking up all the signals and directions your life is going. Your brain is also actively aware of all the feelings in your heart.
What do you do then with your head and heart? You make sure that your head listens to your heart and vice versa. I know someone who went to Harvard University. He was ahead in everything and everyone back in Nepal. So he went into Harvard thinking he is one amongst the brilliant. He often jokes about it and says, "I understood what brilliance and true genius really is when I saw and heard other people at Harvard." He goes on, "At that point I felt like I was nothing and that I was perhaps recruited to clap for all those geniuses." He says he did well but he never made it beyond or above them. I guess the wise always knows that genius is to be universally celebrated and appreciated. Wisdom says, one has to know when to clap.
Your head needs to remind your heart to find joy and perhaps humor and humility in finding joy in bowing down to genius. Your heart probably needs to continue to fuel your brain to keep competing and pushing it to become better and activating more grey cells. The envy you feel in your heart must lead your head towards excellence in your work. But at the same time your head needs to wink at the heart and say "darling calm down, for every genius, God has made another who is more genius." When our head and heart begin to talk to each other and we churn the two together, the result is the blissful balance and wisdom. So be genius when you can and be wise when you need – when to compete and when to clap.
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