I have been daydreaming forever since I remember. It's my way of escaping to a fantasy world when things don't go as planned in reality. I recently discovered that there is a disorder known as 'Maladaptive Daydreaming,' when people daydream way too much than necessary. Although, neither I nor my family object to psychological counseling, my last experience revealed that psychologists here do not have much idea pertaining to this particular disorder. Not just here, but throughout the world, the disorder is one of the least researched on (as far as my Internet research can tell). Without realizing, I've now become addicted to daydreaming and it has started impacting my daily routine. I procrastinate because I want to daydream for 'few minutes' every time I have to do something monotonous or scarily important. I've tried writing and meditating to calm this habit and it has worked a bit. However, I lapse every now and then. Sometimes, it seems such a herculean task that it scares every inch of me. I don't know if you're familiar with this disorder but can you tell me that things will be alright and that I can move mountains if I set my heart to?
---DreamerEverything will be all right and of course you can move mountains if you set your heart to it. Now, there are just a few things that you need to do and understand to set yourself on that path. Number one, never stop believing in yourself, and even if the entire world gets frustrated with you, have an unfaltering faith in yourself. Your daydreaming is a phase, and like everything, it will pass. Don't fret about when it is going to pass; it will pass when it will pass. But don't blame yourself for it or think it is a disease that has been inflicted upon you. Right now you are a dreamer and one day you will be a mountain mover. Love yourself no matter what.
Number two; remember that healing takes a really long time. If you are daydreaming, it could be due to some maladaptive pattern that started in your early years. There probably was a time where you felt guilt and shame and were in a situation where dreaming provided that escape and sense of relief from circumstances that you were inept to deal with at the time. You will heal out of it gradually, little at a time. Keep exploring yourself and your past with a clear reminder to yourself that the longest journey is the journey of self-exploration. Don't get stuck with the idea that you have the "Maladaptive Disorder" because you will hit a dead end too soon. You will, like you already have, find out that there is no "cure" for it and thus abandon any hope of transformation. Or you will soon realize that the particular disorder doesn't fully explain all the dimensions of your experiences. You are more than a particular disorder. You have layers, you have depths, and you have different shades. Keep exploring yourself.
Number three, if something works for you, even a little bit, keep at it. There is no magic bullet to anything. Some types of Yoga and Meditation does help you come back to "here and now". But it does take persistence and discipline to keep doing it. Fourth, find something that is as beautiful as the dream that you dream of. Spend sometime listening to music that you love. Volunteer for something you feel very passionate about and which gives you utmost joy at the present moment.
Lastly, rejoice. Every time there is something beautiful in "real time", make sure you celebrate and remind yourself how fresh and fulfilling the present moment is.
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Dear Swastika,
I have met some acquaintances through my boyfriend. He is always hanging out with them and they keep inviting me also. But I don't enjoy being around them. I feel we don't have much in common and to be honest, I am the sort of person who takes long time to be 'comfortable' with new people. As a result I am content with my existing friends and don't necessarily work on making new ones. Till now, I have been rejecting the invitations using pretexts. Is it weird of me or should I still try to hang out with them despite all the awkwardness 'new friendships' bring?
---Aradhana
Have you ever considered that there is a chance that people who invite you don't enjoy being around you either? Maybe they just invite you because you are the girlfriend of the friend that they love. Maybe they just want to appreciate and acknowledge the love and joy that you bring into his life. We do a lot for people we love. We know that loving is about moving beyond what I want, what I like, what I need, what I am comfortable with or what I think I am.
Love is sometimes about appreciating and acknowledging people who make your loved one happy. Love is about stepping beyond our own boundaries of comfort and breaking out from the rigidity of the notion of self. Love is not a just verb. It is not just an action we do upon the other person. Love is a state of being, what we do upon ourselves. Love is what allows us to bloom and blossom, to spread our petals and our fragrance far and wide, to rise and face towards the sun, to add magnificence to the already magnificent nature. Love is what teaches us to find joy in simple things. Love is what churns the best out of us and brings out the unexplored beauty from within us.
To answer your question, if you should hang out with them despite all awkwardness "new friendships" bring with them, I'd say love him, love him, love him so much that his joy brings joy to your heart, that seeing him rejoice makes your awkwardness gradually disappear. Love him so much, so very much that it overflows towards everyone whom he truly loves and those who truly love him. Love is not possessing. Love is loving profusely and profoundly to a point it overflows.
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
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