Dear Malvika,
I am a 21-year-old female. I am a fourth year student pursuing my bachelor's degree. I was good in studies until my SLC (now SEE). But after joining 10+2 level, my study seems to be degrading and it continues in my bachelor's too. It's not that I don't want to study, but I don't study, I don't know why I am not studying. This has been happening with me from my 10+2. But now from almost a year, I am lacking my concentration too. I try a lot to be focused and to concentrate while I study but I can't. My mind gets diverted, random thoughts keep coming to my mind. I can't get rid of such random thoughts. I don't have any significant problem but I keep thinking too much about random things and sometimes I get irritated with myself. I want to get out of this and want to stay concentrated and focused. Can you suggest me how I can get out of this?
Hi love. The problem that you are facing is not a new one for young people your age. As we grow up from our teens we become a very different person. And that affects our goals and studies. I have been in your situation as well. I believe that it is called nonchalant less where your mind simply doesn’t care. You might want something but your mind wanders off in places. Everything is new, you are beginning to experience new things and so it gets distracted. So here is the plan. Make a routine of the week. And stick to it one thing at a time. Set a time for your studies and be strong enough to tell yourself that you need this. Think about all the wonderful things you could be doing once you graduate. The problem these days is the easy access to phones, TV and social media. And that distracts people all the more. If the need be cut down on your use of these technologies while you are studying. Switch off your phone and log out of them. Have some fear in your mind too. The fear of failure. That used to drive me. And I hope it works out for you too.
Dear Malvika,
I am a 29-year-old married women. We eloped and got married because none of our families would accept our relationship due to difference in our caste. Now we are happily married with two daughters. One of our daughter is 3 years old and we just had the other daughter few months back. My husband and I are doing well with our careers, and I feel we have been able to make a beautiful family but the absence of our parents in life makes the experience a little bitter. How do I fill this void?
First of all kudos to your and husband for sticking it out for love and creating a beautiful family. I can understand the need for your other family to be a part of your lives. If you feel the absence of your family members in your lives is something that you miss out on a lot then it is time to reach out to them. You know kids make it easier for families to connect. If you are waiting for them to connect to you then don’t. Why don’t you make the first move? Send them messages, call them, and take yourkids to your parent’s house. When they will see their grandchildren, things will fall into perspective. All grandparents love their grandkids and when they will see them their heart will melt for sure. Human relationships need patience and time to nurture. And over the years I am sure they all miss you guys too. It might take time and you might have to hear many things. But don’t take it to heart. They must have been hurt too when you made the decision and it takes time for the emotions to heal. So good luck.
Life and patience
Dear Malvika,
I’m a married woman of 24. I married a man 10 years older than me. Everything is fine but I feel like he underestimates me on my sense of style. Until now he has never given any compliment on anything I wear. When I buy anything, he always criticizes my choice. Due to this I have started losing my confidence. I have started doubting my choices .What should I do? Should I leave him for this reason? It’s been five years of our marriage and we don’t have any child because of his medical condition. We rarely get intimate. I feel like leaving him but because of family and relatives I’m unable to take that big step as I’m stuck in small things but I am really frustrated. What do you think I should do?
Well your problem started with age, went down to fashion and then moved on to the lack of ability to have children. I am trying to figure out what bothers you more. Or maybe everything. Seems that you both have a lot of issues to deal with. You did not mention here whether it was a love or arranged marriage. Anyways, the thing is, if the issue is only about him criticizing and taking you for granted, that could be worked. But if he cannot have children at all then that is something that you need to decide on your own. Did you know about this before you got married? That is also unclear. So why don’t the two of you go for counseling. Tell him frankly that this is simply not working out. And that drastic steps needs to be taken. If not you want to separate and see how that goes. If he agrees for counseling then go ahead and maybe there will be changes. I know couples who stay married or are happy despite nothaving children. You canalso adopt. Or use surrogacy though that might not be legal in Nepal. After having tried everything if nothing works then you know what to do. In the end you have a long way to go. And divorces are not the end of life.
Dear Malvika,
I am a 28-year-old guy and originally from Jumla. The issue is that I am in love with a girl but she is in relation with another guy. Although they have been together for a long time now, that guy keeps abusing her verbally and acts like she is his servant. It’s been quite a few times that she’s told me about his abusive behavior and I suggested her to end all relations with him since it seems unhealthy but she always ignores what I tell. Although it’s her who’s suffering, I feel sad myself. Please suggest me on this matter.
Don’t get too involved. That is what I will tell you. For a woman to be in an abusive relationship, she does need support, yes, but she needs to make up her own mind and decide what’s best for her life. The more you get involved in her situation the more it will depress you. And also this is not the way to start a relationship with someone. If she has been with that person for a long time that means even if she does break up she will need a long time to get over it. And this sounds too complicated at the moment. Just be a friend and do tell her time and again that she doesn’t deserve to be with him if he is as you say he is. That’s all you can do at the moment.
