I was at my boyfriend's place recently, and as he went out to get something for us to eat, I looked around his apartment. I wanted to leave him a little surprise note, so when I opened his bedside table's drawer, I saw what looked like letters and photos. I wasn't really meaning to spy on him, but I opened the letter anyway, and discovered that it was from one of his friends when he was studying abroad. There were also photos of their selfies while hugging each other. I was particularly angry and hurt because it was the same girl whom we had an argument about when we were in long distance relationship. Now I agree that my boyfriend has come back for me, but why should he save her letters and photos despite knowing that anything about her hurts me? My first instinct was to tear them and flush it down the toilet, but then I just left them and didn't even put my note there. My mood was obviously off, and he kept on asking me the reason for it later, but I just couldn't tell him the truth. Now, try hard as I might, I just cannot forget what I've read and seen, and this is making my relationship complicated. You tell me what I should do next.
-Meh"Of all things we leave behind
Our heart refuses to let go of one
One fluffy scarf or that picture by the shore
That one thing we hugged to our heart
When we let everything else go
A part of our past we held on to
When we resolved never to look
back to..."
He came back to you. It must be love. It must be that he values you more.
But it must also be that whatever he had to leave behind has left him with some deep scars and inner conflict. He might have ended a relationship, but he might still be struggling to find a closure.
When one becomes emotionally engaged with someone and has to end it for some reason, there are lots of questions that remain unanswered. There are lots of unresolved emotions that continue to haunt. There are lot of moments and words from the past that need to be sorted through and made sense of. Love him enough to give him time to find his closure.
Right now, he might need to hold on to something till the day he is finally ready to let go. May be your sense of insecurity is justified. Maybe his heart is pulling him in different directions right now. Maybe the letters and the pictures are just indications that he had not found a closure with the other girl or that the love between the two of you hasn't won over the past. But his return is an indication that he wants to move ahead with you and allow your relationship to grow. Love him enough to value this fact.
One day, the love between the two of you might win over his past. One day he might finally find his closure and be with you in his entirety. But till then, allow him the time to find his peace. It is not just his job to make sure that you don't get hurt. Love him enough to understand that he's hurt too by the choices he has made.
There will be visible and invisible prints of his previous relationship – some in his drawers and some deep within his heart. He has to find his own closure, but you can love him enough to give him a good reason to let the bygones be bygones. The only control we have over love is to love. We don't control whether other people will love us back or love someone else. Love him enough to give him time and set him free to find his closure. One day, he might drop his baggage of the past and come back to you in his entirety. That would be a day to cherish. But if his heart takes him somewhere else...love him enough to let him go.
-------
Dear Swastika,
I love my boyfriend to bits, but somehow I can't bring myself to put it in words. While I know that I'll be totally devastated should we break up, I always tend to show like I hardly care, and he has an impression that this relationship means nothing to me. I'm quite sure that he is a really nice person, but I've known that my father cheated on my mother and that has left my mother with acute depression. She says no man can ever be fully trusted and that they are sure to stray at least once in their lifetime. This is a stupid generalization and my rational mind understands that, but I've seen too many examples where men have cheated on their partners and I just feel like I should be prepared for the worst and not be as shocked as my mom was when I finally get the news. I know I'm being an idiot, but I just don't want to be hurt by giving someone all my love. Can you help me?
--Reisha
The best way to deal with your fear is to face it. It is common for people who've undergone certain traumatic experience to build irrational fears that they themselves are aware of as irrational. Even when the mind tells them that the fears they are harboring is not rooted in their real context, somewhere deep within, our body and our soul refuses to let go of those fears.
One way to deal with irrational fear is to deal with it at a cognitive level. Every time you doubt your boyfriend but he does something that proves that your concerns were wrong, remind yourself that he's worth trusting. Constantly remind yourself of all the times he's lived up to his promises. Constantly remind yourself of couples who share a strong bond of trusting relationship. The other way is to confront your emotions with your parents and resolve your fears. Seek counseling support so you can resolve your emotions connected with your parents. The strongest relationship is between two people who are free from the baggage of their past.
Sometimes, truth is the biggest power. Tell him about your family, about fears that you know are irrational. Tell him how much your heart leaps towards him but how your inner conflict tears you apart. Tell him how much your outer self belies your inner self. Tell him that deep inside, there is nothing more you want than to surrender all your fears on his feet and love him with eyes shut close and heart wide open.
Tell him what you dearly want but can't yet do. Let your words pave a path for your hearts to follow.
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