Heart to Heart with Malvika

Dear Malvika,

I am a 29 year old married woman with 2 kids. I have been married for 10 years, for first few years my husband treated me like a queen. But as the time passed we started fighting over small things and stopped talking to each other. It has been months since we haven’t talked to each other although I have tried to apologize and sort things out. Whenever we get into fight my husband never tries to resolve it but instead goes out for many hours. He never apologizes and I am really stressed. I feel like our relationship has no life but I love him. I don’t know for how long I will be able to tolerate his behavior. Help me save my relationship.

Not to worry at all. Every couple goes through a rough phase in their relationship, especially when there’s lack of communication and understanding; it always ends up in fight. First things first, take time out from your life. Spend a whole day together without kids, work and family. Get out from the house. Go somewhere quiet. Keep aside all your anger and disappointment and just talk. Reminisce about how you started off your relationship and what you have achieved together as a couple. Finalize on few family goals and individual goals. Communicate on how his behavior is hurting you. I am sure he also has a lot of things to say. I hope he will be able to open up. Don’t put all the blame on him or become defensive when he says something. Let him share as well. Once you go home, the fights may decrease. Start a positive analysis of dealing with the relationship. Do not let the blame game affect your relationship. Let bygones be bygones.

If nothing else, please do try therapy. There is no shame in trying whatever you can do save your relationship. Good luck.

Dear Malvika,

I have been in relationship with a guy for 2 years. We started dating when we were both in a very low phase of our lives and career. We both helped each other fell in love. There were good times but eventually I realized that I can’t be happy with him forever. We got close because we both were in pain. He wants a simple life but I don’t. He treats me with respect nice to me but the reality is I can’t be happy in his life. My priorities in life are different to his. So I have decided to end our relationship but I really don’t know how I should d it without hurting him. I tried to talk to him but he called me selfish. Am I really selfish? Should l compromise and marry him? The guilt of hurting him is killing me this guilt is killing me but I can’t get back with him because that won’t be good for both of us in future. What should I do?

First of all, do not blame yourself. People do not remain the same forever. If you want different things in life compared to two years ago, then it’s perfectly fine. It is what it is.

You already know that you cannot be happy with him then you have already decided. I believe you have tried to be with him too. Of course you are not going be happy that you want to end this relationship. But do not marry someone just because you have to. Marry because you want to. Marriage and dating are two different ball games altogether. I am sure you do not want to ruin both your lives by going into something that you are unsure of. Breaking up is not easy. It takes a lot of time to heal. Eventually, he will understand. It will not be easy for you too. So I think you should have the last talk. Keep some distance so that it will be a soul searching time for both of you. If you still keep meeting the person then it will never be easy.

Dear Malvika,

I am an 18 year old girl and have a wonderful family. We are always there for each other.

But one day as I was returning back home from college I saw my father with another girl in my parent’s bedroom. My mother was out of valley for work and I had reached home early. When I saw them both through the small opening of the door, I screamed and asked my father to come out of the room. He started crying and apologizing and made me promise to never mention the incident to my mother. But I feel guilty not doing so as she has full right to know about the incident and at the same time I don’t want to hurt my mom by telling her the truth. What shall I do?

Now this is something that is very difficult for me to comment on. On one hand, your mother deserves to know but it is going to ruin the relationships for everyone. Also you are too young to be dealing with such situations on your own. I am sure, for you, the relationship with your father has never been the same after that situation. You should not be taking the burden of this incident. Your father should be the one to confess to your mother and tell her the truth. He has cheated on her and that is something that he should own up to like a man. And let your mother and father decide there on what they want to do. As unfortunate as the incident is, I am very concerned about your mental wellbeing as a teenager. And I think your father should keep that in mind and handle the situation sensitively.

Dear Malvika,

I am a 23 years old man and come from upper middle-class family. Both of my parents are well educated and capable. But my father has a serious drinking. I, my brother and mother have tried talking to him, begging him to stop. But nothing seems to work as he continues to abuse us verbally and mentally. How do I convince my father to stop drinking and make him realize importance of family?

It pains my heart to read that you are growing through this situation. Have your tried rehab and counseling for him? Alcoholics drink due to psychological issues and depression.

There must be something in his life which has made him alcoholic. That issue must be dealt with first. Never talk about it while he is drunk which might lead to violence. Let your whole family and relatives intervene. There must be someone who he looks up to and who he might listen to. Take their help. Take him for a thorough check up from a doctor for health complications. Keep him occupied in activities where he would not be able to drink.

Show him love and affection and be patient. It will take a really long time for him to realize, which I hope he does.

Dear Malvika,

I have been dating a guy since 3 years. He is a wonderful person but sometimes I get the feeling that he isn’t serious about us. I don’t need a commitment but I do need to be his only one till we date. I have talked to him about this and he has assured me about his loyalty. But lately I have heard a lot of rumors about him. I dismissed them at first but recently a person I can trust with my life told me on how she saw him making out with another girl. I confronted him but he denied it. Maybe I’m being paranoid or over thinking but I’m really scared of getting hurt by someone I love. What should I do?

Since when did you start having trust issues? Was it always like that or is it a new phenomenon? Trust and understanding are the core values of a relationship. If you do not have these then it doesn’t work. One thing is for sure, you have become insecure and that he needs to make sure that you are more positive about the relationship. Of course that doesn’t mean that he always has to be on the edge. This will put a stress on both of you.

And you will never trust him. If you feel that he is cheating on you, then try all the resources that you have, to find out the truth as you deserve to know about the reality. If your heart and mind and enough proof tells you that he is cheating on you, then, girl, it’s time to let go. Love is not everything. You need loyalty and respect too.

Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

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