header banner
My City

Downfall of a relationship

This morning, numerous weeks after our break up, I dragged myself up from my bed to experience the first splash of water in a long time. My eyes had dried up. It felt like there was no tear left in it. I felt numb with sacks hanging down from my eyes. Excessive smoking also led my mouth to smells like an ashtray.
By Ashim Limbu

This morning, numerous weeks after our break up, I dragged myself up from my bed to experience the first splash of water in a long time. My eyes had dried up. It felt like there was no tear left in it. I felt numb with sacks hanging down from my eyes. Excessive smoking also led my mouth to smells like an ashtray. 


Innumerable questions lurched. After a constant phase of anger, disappointment, and helplessness I decided to draw a conclusion through an aftermath. The aftermath of a relationship was almost impossible to trace back. Either it is too vague to remember, or too many images of nostalgia flash in front of you. I closed my eyes, and I was back to the last year’s summer. I was 18 and in love. 


I tried to sit back and analyze the entire relationship, but I gave up after an hour. My story was turning vague to me. Morning transitioned into day and day into night, yet I couldn’t clear the blur in my mind. Insomnia hit me hard and I stayed awake till 3. Still pondering for answers, in the quietness and loneliness I closed my eyes and then answer came within itself.


Related story

Rules of a relationship


I sensed a fear of seeing our connection in a new light. Fear left us with a lingering aftertaste of doubt. And when doubt controls your relationship, you are no longer dating the person you like; you are dating a walking breathing paranoia. We were dating paranoia.


I read a fact on Facebook, it read: Heartbroken persons brain cells and brain cells of the person in the process of drug withdrawal are similar in structure.


After our short-lived eternity, I was confused. “What now? What next?” As pathetic as it may sound, I was saying that out loud. I realized I had given myself to a person so much so that I had turned miserable. You are bound to have these certain people around you all the time controlling the choices you make that your individuality. One morning I woke up to look myself in the mirror, asking myself, “Who am I?” 

After the break up I would numerously look for the flaws in me. You have a voice inside the brain that speaks of everything bad in you. There is a constant battle within your head where your mindset is transported back to your 13-year-old self.  


Everything came to full circle as I realized that the fear and self-doubt could be reasoned with the lack of self-love and individuality. Like many people, I became addicted to my relationship. I was trying to fill the void of self-love by receiving love from another person. But from this experience, I learned that love wasn’t a destination. Rather, it is like a living breathing human being who needs nurture and care. 


I don’t doubt our love anymore. I still think that our love was pure and sacred, something I was fortunate enough to be a part of. We just lagged the care required to complete love.  


 

Related Stories
My City

Swiss actor Bruno Ganz who played Hitler in 'Downf...

OPINION

Forces that led to Lokman’s downfall

Lifestyle

Heart to Heart with Malvika

My City

Patience is a virtue in every relationship

My City

Heart to Heart with Malvika Subba