These days, I've been chasing after every girl who is nice to me. I really can't differentiate between love and attraction. I was in a relationship a year ago and haven't been able to recover from the break up since and therefore, I have decided it is wise to avoid a relationship for now. However, I just don't know how it happened or what happened but there is this girl at my college with whom I did a program together few months ago and from then we have known each other better. She's a very good person and a really nice friend, but I "like" her a lot. Not a day passes by without thinking fondly of her. I don't want to propose to her because I just don't have time for a relationship at the moment. But then, taking no step further is also driving me crazy. Also I don't want to have the feeling that I made things weird between us. Is it just okay to tell her how I feel and just move past it with everything remaining the way it is, i.e. our friendship? Or what should I do to move past this emotion?-Aimless Chaser
I don't know where to begin answering your question. There's a lot going on here. Let me begin from the last.
You ask me if you should move past the emotions you are feeling. Most likely this emotion will move past you if it is just a fling or just an attraction. The way to find it out is to stay in an ambiguous zone for a while - neither run away from it nor jump into a commitment right away. Be with it for a while. Get to know her as a person, spend time with her and observe how your feelings evolve over time. Try to listen to her silences and get a sense of how her feelings are evolving and changing along with yours.
As far as not having time for a relationship goes – that is just weird. You talk about building a relationship as if you are building a ship. It kind of sounds like, 'I am building an airplane so I can't build a ship right now.' What you need to worry about right now is not how many hours per week you will have to spend with her to "maintain" this relationship. The question right now is whether you have found a person with whom you so deeply connect that in both her presence and her absence, the warmth of her skin, the sound of her breath, and the stillness of her eyes don't leave you. The question is whether she is the one who touches the depth of your heart and core of your existence and churn out the best in you. When that happens, you don't have to find time for love; time will find you in love.
I know your breakup has perhaps left you a little shaken to start any relationship. At times like this, we do wish that there were a button we could just push and mute our senses and emotions and remain in the safe cocoon where neither love nor pain would find us. However, that's not how it works. When our heart is ready to move on, it will move on. You will try to capture it and cage it, but it will begin to fly off. The more you try to push it down, the more it will bounce away from your control. So instead, flow, flow like a river. Let the heart find its way to love. Let love find the way to a fulfilling relationship. Let the desires find time. Let the time heal. So breathe; breathe and flow; flow like a river.
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Dear Swastika,
My friend and I are planning to start an online business. We meet every once in a while to discuss ideas and plans. However, recently her boyfriend has taken to attending these meetings and he always has things to say and opinions to offer. This irritates me and I've told my friend to come alone for meetings but she gets angry. She says he's only trying to be helpful, which he may be, but I really don't like it. I don't like that she cannot separate her professional and personal life.
- Anonymous
I think I can relate to the stress of trying to start something new. I know how the idea consumes your entire existence and you want to keep track of every detail, stay in control of the concept, and be cautious about what advices you take in and what you don't. At this time of inception, I have seen leaders make one of the two kinds of errors. Some get swayed away by the many ideas and opinions and create a product that is completely distorted from the original concept. Then there are some who are so afraid of their concept being distorted that they simply shut off to other people's opinion. The trick is to strike a balance where you are carefully listening and considering while still maintaining full control over your idea and how it evolves.
Your irritation with your business partner's boyfriend could be coming from the fear of losing control over your original idea. Maybe his ideas are ridiculous and he's really wasting your time and setting you off track. Or maybe he's so dominating that he doesn't let the best in your business partner to come out. When you start an enterprise, you often think that the most important thing is to have the best idea, financial backing, hard work, good marketing and good network. But once you start, you soon realize that half of your success depends on managing people's ego, negotiating relationships, clarifying misunderstandings, building trust among partners, communicating clear expectations and sorting through emotional baggage that hinders accountabilities.
There must have been a good reason why you picked the kind of business partner that she is. She comes with a bunch of skills and a distinct personality. Two of you can't be "partners" in the truest sense unless you've developed trust and confidence in each other. If she thinks you all need help but you don't, then it isn't just about her being able to keep her personal and professional life separate. It's about her trusting in the direction that this project is evolving. It might have to do with how clearly you have communicated your plans and ideas with her and in that line, how ridiculously unfit her boyfriend's ideas are. It might have to do with the openness you've shown in considering new ideas and inputs. Or maybe it has to do with you having to remind her how she has much more to contribute to this project. Maybe it's about being brutally honest with yourself, really understanding what you're feeling, why you're irritated with him at this point, and clearly communicating it with her. If you just are overwhelmed with his ideas, let your partner know. If just seeing his face gives you nightmare for days, let her know. Just remember, partnership in business or partnership in life can't work without honest communication and continuous investment in the relationships to build trust and confidence. I wish you a personally as well as professionally transformative journey to success.
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
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