Thank you for answering my question on the March 23 edition. However, I'm not really happy with what you had to say. Or maybe I hadn't supplied enough information in my question. My boyfriend and I were already in relationship for over four years before it became long distance. And I just don't understand why and how he could even think of building a relationship with another woman. Isn't that cheating? I juggled two jobs and always had at least one freelancing stuff to work on and still always managed to talk to him every day, either online or just a few seconds of phone conversation.
I wrote to him every day, unfailingly. During the time we were in long distance relationship, I received couple of proposals, and mind you, they were amazing men. I ignored them all for the sole reason that I was devoted to him. I had emotional needs, too. I felt as lonely as him when I wandered around the city alone and saw couples walking together, hand in hand. I remember that one time when an old classmate from school sent me a text saying 'Hey, how have you been? Long time. Miss you.' And he made me delete his contact and even unfriend him on Facebook. So why should I help him "find a closure?" For all I know, maybe he didn't come back only for me. Maybe he came back because he had no other option. Isn't he being a hypocrite? Also recently, I found out that he has still been talking, every day, with this girl. I really don't know what I should do, but I can't pretend and be cool about it and "love him enough to help him win over his past."
--Meh
Heart to Heart with Malvika
Every time I read the questions, I try to form a mental picture of who this person is, and what the situation is based on the limited information that is provided in the question. It is possible that in the last question, I could have painted a completely different picture of your boyfriend and misread the context.
However, it is also possible that my answers are simply not useful to you. Most often I try to give a different perspective to look at and understand their predicament. The final onus of finding a solution of course falls on each individual. Each individual has the final control over what s/he takes or tosses away from what I say. It's okay to not agree or not like what I say. All I ask is consider it and then decide whether to take it or toss it.
But please don't be angry with me. I have a difficult job here to tell you what I think might be good for you. I have to consider that what I think is good for you may not be what I think you will like. But I'm a human, so it is possible that I might be wrong about what I think is good for you. Thus, do consider that I might just be wrong, but please do trust my good intentions and compassion with which I carve every word.
I do understand your anger towards your boyfriend. I understand the sacrifices that you have made and how hurt, cheated, and frustrated you feel at not being able to get back the same level of commitment and fidelity. You might want to talk to him face to face and find out what he's up to. Truth is perhaps where we need to begin with no matter how bitter and heart breaking it might be. You have clues that he might be cheating on you but you should probably just sit down and have a direct conversation so that it's not just some misunderstanding. Talk it out. You can express your anger, your frustration, and your resentments and make it clear to him what is and what is not acceptable to you in this relationship.
But just in case, it turns out to be true that he is cheating on you, then here's some of my thoughts I think you should ponder upon. Sometimes, relationship is like betting on a race horse. You may love the horse, bet all your money on it, invest your time and emotions to raise and train the horse. But if it loses the race, it loses the race. You have invested so much of your time, emotion, and potential proposals on your boyfriend and it could be that he was a bad bet. Now the question is what can you do about it?
You can leave him and tell yourself that he was a bad bet. You consider all your emotional investment in him as, what they call in economics, a sunk cost and then move on. In business, they tell you that if you make bad investment, you don't keep adding more resources to it. You shut it down and consider that what is spent is spent and what is lost is lost. The bet lost is a bet lost. You grieve, you vent out your frustration, you let tears wash away everything and you move on.
You could fight for him or fight with him with every might and win him back into your life. You can confront him and ask for justifications. You can threaten the other girl and push her out of the way. You can get him to acknowledge your investment and sacrifices and honor his end of the relationship contract by marrying you. But unfortunately, you can never make him truly love you. You can never make sure that his heart doesn't fall for another woman. You can never make sure that he is happy in the relationship with you.
Or you can take revenge by making his life miserable and get your sunk cost back in the form of his misery.
I don't know if there are any other options out there. I leave it up to you to decide what option you pick or go for a fourth option if you can find one.
I sign off with the best of my intentions and apology in advance if none of this is of any help to you. I can only tell you what I know. And I admit I don't know a whole lot. I can only wish that you might choose that which lead you towards truest happiness and inner peace.
