My husband would wake up sometime between I was doing all this and sit down to read the papers. Much to my irritation and annoyance, he would stretch and yawn like he was the one who had done all the running around all morning. Sometimes he asked for a cup of tea right after he had just gulped down one and I'd have to go running into the kitchen again. He never offered to help me with the chores. A few months later, we finally hired a new house help and my husband actually had the audacity to say we didn't need one because there was so less work at home and we could easily manage it all ourselves.
If he had done any of the back breaking work I did on a daily basis before heading to office, he would know how 'less' work actually went behind keeping the house clean and tidy. But I could actually sympathize with him. He woke up to a clean house and felt that it just washed itself like we did every morning. I once told him this and the embarrassment at his own thoughtlessness was obvious on his face. He's not been so insensitive ever since.
I recently read an article where this guy went on to say that women have a very particular role in society. He then clarified himself by saying that wives have a very particular role and that his rules didn't apply to single women. If a woman decided not to get married, then she could do whatever she wanted, he stated, but the minute she said "I do," she had to follow the Old Testament, meaning we had to cook, clean, and be subservient.
It got me thinking. So maybe it was my wifely duties to do all the household chores before heading to office. We all know how our society and culture see women, especially married women. There are certain duties and responsibilities and the main one, perhaps, is to make sure her husband (in-laws come in the package) is content and has a blissful existence where they don't even have to wash a single teacup.
I have seen my father live this kind of life and I have seen my father in-law boast a similar setup. We have long counted on women's sacrifices and the compromises they have made to keep a marriage working well. Women are taught (and told time and again) that they are to keep quiet if it means that a fight will blow over, that they are to smile and let a rude remark pass if that means there won't be a fuss, and under no circumstances are they to voice their opinion in front of their men and elders. And many of us still abide by those rules.
Under this arrangement women are still dependent on their men, no matter how economically independent they might be in their own lives. This leaves the wives comparatively disempowered in the relationship. I know women who give half of what they earn to their in-laws and the other half goes into a joint bank account they share with their husbands. The men pretty much control the workings of that 'joint' account and the women have to 'ask' for spending money.
I'm glad I'm not one of these women but I very well could have been. My marriage wasn't unlike any of theirs in the beginning but I chose to challenge the norms rather than blindly follow them. It's true that I still do a lot of things that women are expected to do. When we were 'maidless in Kathmandu' I was the one who did all the chores and didn't ask my husband to help. But I expected some appreciation in return unlike many women who consider it their duty. And when I didn't get the appreciation I wanted (and deserved) I made sure my husband was made aware of his insensitivity.
A lot of these women at a disadvantage cite their upbringing and cultural and societal pressure as the reason why they endure their marriages. While I agree that we have been raised to act and be a certain way, we can't wait for change to come from anywhere else but ourselves. Some revolutions happen in a single day; others over decades and maybe this gender battle will take a long time to come to its inevitable conclusion.
However, we are halfway there already. I'm actually happy to see women pushing the marriageable age to later and later, sometimes even as late as their mid thirties. This gives women choices that allow them to customize the arc of their lives and some of them find that it is best for them to put marriage aside completely. I'm in no way condemning marriage and saying that being single is the way to go. But we needn't be forced to get married because we are a certain 'age' or because it's what is expected of us anymore, and that's comforting. We can now choose to get married because we want to and not because we have to. And when there's that freedom, it's easier to devise your own path and create your own rules than it is when you are forced into marriage.
This doesn't mean it's too late for those of us who are already married. If anything, it's up to us to start the wave of change. I have--by asking my husband to help around with the household chores. The men of our generation won't hesitate to help. I can see it in the way my husband will literally roll up his sleeves and get down to washing the dishes on the rare days the maid calls in sick. They aren't stuck to the old ways and think that household chores are a wife's duties. It's just that men, by nature, are perhaps a bit lazy (for the lack of a better word) and thus less inclined to jump up and help about at the drop of a hat like women tend to do. But all you have to do is ask and you'll get all the assistance you need. And that's a start of a revolution.
ip_bista@hotmail.com
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