I know some of you are saying, 'I never had problem motivating my child'. Then again some children are naturally motivated, but not all parents are as fortunate and not all children are the same. I was reading an article and came across this interesting conversation between a parent and a child, 'There were ten children on a log. Three decide to jump off. How many left?' The parent asked and the answer he got was, 'ten children'. I know you all are asking, 'How?' Well, the answer is going to surprise you even more: the children decided to jump but did not jump. Yes, it's funny but there is a serious undertone to it. Deciding to do something is not the same as doing it.I am sure you have had your children decide to do many things: from picking up toys, cleaning up their rooms, fixing beds, to doing homework and you know that most of those decisions do not materialize, because your children are not motivated. Motivation plays a big role in achieving plenty of things in our life.
Motivation is the drive that makes children meet their personal and professional goals in life and at the same time build a solid foundation of self-esteem. Experience tells us that motivation allows a person to live his/her life to the fullest, but we are not always motivated. Especially when children lose motivation it is natural for parents to worry and become frustrated, fearing their children might not figure out their passion and give up. Now the challenge is to raise our children so they are able to figure out their passion and be motivated enough to follow them. While we are at it, let us also examine our contribution to motivating our children.
I can almost hear some parents say, 'Yes, we are doing our best. We even give them a pep talk now and then.' This pep talk, if I am not mistaken, makes no sense to our children and just goes over their head. They will sit and listen to it with a sullen, uninterested face, eyes downcast, waiting for it to be over. It is entirely possible that we go overboard with our pep talk (first external motivator): it includes pacing back and forth, loud voice and aggressive hand waving, along with some positive words, to push children to action. But this kind of motivation is temporary.
And it impacts us as well. Our voice becomes hoarse and we get mentally and physically exhausted. The kids get more scared and move further away from us. I know some parents are saying, 'That's rude. We should use the second motivator, the carrot and stick approach. That works better.' Bribing is like you saying, 'complete a task and you will be rewarded for it' and punishment is 'if you don't do this you will be not be able to watch TV or go out and play with your friends' or 'no internet for a week'.
Well folks, according to experts, that does not work either. These methods will demotivate your child. So it's time to reconsider our actions and make changes to our approach to motivate children. So what should be done? We know more about our children than anyone else. We know their quirks and mannerisms. We also know what annoys them and what makes them happy. After this we are ready to formulate our plans to motivate our children.
What we need to understand is that action should come first. At this point you must be wondering, 'How do you get them to start doing something?' Well, it all depends on your relationship with your child; motivation is also a function of relationship. You need to build a strong relationship with your child so that you can motivate them to do things. You have to initiate the work, 'let us do it together' attitude and then gradually wean yourself away from it.
Just remember you cannot force any action on your child without their willingness. If you insist, you will end up with a bigger problem of a sullen, rebellious, disobedient and stubborn child. You will end up arguing, opposing, contesting, disputing, debating and criticizing their point of view, and in the process kill the communication you had started with your child, before it even has a chance to flourish. Rather you can start an open, nonjudgmental conversation as the first step in the motivational process.
I would rather not expect completion of whole assignment on first try. If it's something like cleaning their room, offer to work with them. You can even play their favorite music while the job is being done. Working in a team will bring your child closer to you and your bonding will get stronger. Your child will remember working together for a long time. Try to give credit to your child where it's due. Let them feel pride that they have achieved something and don't forget to thank them for getting the job done. Homework is another matter altogether. It is possible that your child does not understand the homework or it's too boring and your child does not consider it a challenge.
Finally if you want your child to be motivated, you as a parent need to be motivated first. It is a parent's responsibility to establish methods and systems that encourage and motivate children. While you are at it, keep in mind that children do not understand importance of setting goals and achieving them. Hence assign age appropriate short goals.
You can, however, negotiate with them the time and the mode of doing things. The best thing you can do is to listen to them and accept their suggestions. Just make sure your child does not feel compelled to complete a job. You might even explain the importance of getting things done and suggest completion of action. Let them decide. They should get the feeling that they have some power over the decisions made. That is not too much to ask of a parent, is it?
The author is an educationist and author of several children's books
usha@pokharel.net
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