I was lazing around at home in track pants and a sweatshirt. If I should bother with an explanation, we weren’t expecting guests and it was a Saturday when I usually stay at home with my husband and kids.
This relative went on and on till I actually had to stand up for myself and tell her to stop it, just the way a buhari should. This created quite the uproar, but that’s another story for some other time. However, it reminded me of another incident a month ago. I had had a migraine at work and came home in the afternoon and went straight to bed. When I didn’t wake up in the evening to help my mother-in-law in the kitchen, she banged on the bedroom door and went on a tirade of how she couldn’t be expected to do everything around the house all by herself.
There had been many instances when she had gone to bed without telling me or woken up so late that I’d had to do everything around the house all by myself. And all these times I never said a word. So when I’m ill instead of being asked how I am or if I need anything, I am at the receiving end of angry and hurtful remarks. All because I’m a buhari.
Perhaps that was the day I should have decided I had had enough and put a stop to such insensitivity for once and for all. After all, a buhari is a person with feelings too. I hadn’t studied so much, and wasn’t working so hard to be taunted and looked down upon. My mother always told me to listen to whatever my in-laws had to say and not speak up too brazenly but remaining silent was also allowing people to become more and more intrusive and offensive.
Our society has set such conventions and standards for women that it’s hard to break away from it. But we have to break out of it somehow.
Otherwise, we will always be complaining, cribbing, and discussing our problems because there’s a lot thrown at women on a daily basis that is pretty hard to digest.
What did I do on that day when I had a splitting headache and my mother-in-law got upset? I got up, explained (and apologized for not informing her, and maybe, in a way, for fall ill without her permission too) and helped her in the kitchen. Not once did she tell me to go rest or inquired if I was feeling any better. Did it hurt me? Yes. Did I do/say anything? No. Why? Because there are standards of how a buhari should behave and I was following the norms.
But not anymore. There’s only so much you can and should take. That one comment on my clothes was all it took for years of conditioning to break down and for me to pick myself up and decide to live life on my own terms without bothering about who says what. If you think about it, not all these people are actually all that important in your life.
It’s not that I have done anything drastic but now when something bothers me I speak up. I don’t just silently brood or talk to my friends or husband about what’s bugging me. I tell the person how I feel, and let them deal with my ‘impoliteness.’ A lot of the times the solution is right in front of you – you just have to speak up. But we choose not to do that, because again there are certain ‘standards’ we have to meet.
When this relative didn’t stop discussing my ‘improper attire’ I actually mustered up the guts to ask her if she had come all the way just to discuss my clothes and if she didn’t have other important matters to attend at home. That did make her huff and puff like the big bad wolf but it also put an end to the discussion. And I’m pretty sure she won’t tread down the same path again.
We always seem to know how others should behave while being completely unbothered about how our own behavior impacts other people. We set standards, in our heads, and are disappointed when other people don’t meet them. These standards are particularly unachievable if you are a buhari because no matter what you do there will always be a better way to do it.
But who set these standards and are we to always shrivel under such high expectations? Are all our actions unjustified because of our buhari status? There is just so much that’s expected that you are doomed to fail right from the start. I know many married women who are going through almost an existential crisis of sorts. Nothing they do is good enough, every action is questioned and scrutinized, and then there are the never-ending sarcastic remarks.
But all it takes is for you to stand firm on your ground and deal with issues and relatives like this as they come. People will talk and have all sorts of opinion about how so and so is such a ‘bad’ person but at least you won’t be stressed out, hurt, and anxious all the time. And if you have children, you’ll be imparting valuable lessons: To stand up for yourself, and to have great expectations only from oneself. These are not what mothers have been teaching their daughters but I think I’ll start now.
ip_bista@hotmail.com
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