Be more of yourself rather than trying to be someone you are not

I feel you. I too have been through that phase in life where I waned to almost non-existence, where I felt small, insignificant, and full of self-doubt, void of desire and passion for life and living. I had finished my Master’s and had returned to Nepal to do something meaningful and important. Yet I was literally sleeping most of the time. I felt no passion in the work I was doing. I felt as if my heart had become a piece of wood that was incapable of feeling love or compassion, leave apart motivation and encouragement. So what I did at that time was to keep walking the walk. I told myself that what I really wanted in life was to feel a profound sense of love and compassion inside me. After that, I kept walking wherever the road led me. I reminded myself that while I walked, I would pass through many villages. Not every village would be beautiful and welcoming, but from every village I would take what I could, learn what I could and then moved on.

And that’s what I did – I kept walking and looking at every phase of my life as a village I was passing by. I walked through jobs that I didn’t feel passionate about, I walked through conflicts within my family, I walked through a long phase of depression, through a phase of financial crunch, through a phase of self-doubt, anger and resentment, and gradually to a journey of searching for self, towards love, compassion and forgiveness.

My advice to you: Ask yourself what is it that you really want in life, make your wish, and then keep walking where the road leads you. These phases of feeling unmotivated, feeling of being uninterested in life or self-doubt are all villages that you’ll pass by on your journey through life. Look carefully at these villages. If there’s anything you can learn from it, put it in your backpack, leave the unnecessary trash behind and then move on. Keep walking the walk. There’s a reason why everyone says life is a journey.

Dear Swastika,
I love my friends but I’m really bad at keeping in touch with them. I write long mail and keep up with their updates on Facebook but I don’t really make an effort to meet them. More often than not, I don’t even receive their calls. It’s just that I need to prepare myself to really talk over the phone. Also, when we plan a get together, I secretly wish the plan get cancelled somehow. I sound so mean, but I really am not. I’m a working woman and my weekdays are really busy. So I just want to sit by myself and read books or just stay in my bed during the precious weekends. I don’t want to feel guilty about this, but I somehow do, because in  course of time, I’ve distanced myself so far away from my friends that it feels like I should start all over again. What should I do? How should I correct this?
Distressed

I believe that if no one told us what we ought to do, what we ought to be, what we ought to become, and instead we could just be who we naturally are, we would be so much happier. All our guilt, conflicts, confusion come because we’ve prescribed so many “ought to” in life. We ought to be social; we ought to stay in touch with friends; we ought to care. Outrageous!
You’re an introvert and therefore after a tiring day at work, you need to be with yourself to regain your energy. Your source of energy is within yourself, unlike that of an extrovert who needs to meet up with friends and socialize in order to recharge themselves. Accept yourself the way you are and soon friends will accept you for who you are. You’re the kind of friend who writes long emails to show that you value the friendship that you share with others. Openly communicate how phone calls or get-togethers are just not your thing. Through your long letters, remind them how much you value them.

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Send them birthday messages or wish them happiness and prosperity during festivals. Keep in touch the way you feel you can, without feeling overwhelmed. Then some fine day, when you feel you really want to see them, because you really want to and not because you have to, surprise them. Your letters and messages will have kept those doors open for you to just slip back right in and give them a pleasant surprise. Write more messages if that’s your style, write longer messages; write more beautiful and meaningful messages. Be more of yourself rather than trying to be someone you are not.

Swastika Shrestha is the founder of Anuvuti – a social enterprise that engages young people in service-learning. She has been coaching and mentoring young people in different capacities for over a decade.
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