The good news is that Suresh is now 51 and has been sober for a little over a year. Quitting wasn’t an easy decision for Suresh but he decided he had to do it after a violent vomiting episode following which he almost collapsed in the bathroom and had to be rushed to the hospital.[break]
“When I was at the hospital, I made up my mind to quit for good. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but the first step to quitting is deciding to do so,” he says, adding that his family was his pillar of support throughout his recovery period which lasted for almost two years.
Photo:Bijay Gajmer
“My family had given up on me after trying to make me to quit numerous times,” says Suresh who had quite a few relapses during the course of his quitting process. Strong commitment on the alcoholic’s part and then motivation from family and friends play huge roles in an addict’s journey to recovery.
Dr Kamal Raj Thapa, Medical Officer at Bir Hospital, says that while quitting is definitely not easy, it’s also not as difficult as people make it out to be.
“Any addiction is difficult to get rid of mainly because you can’t bring yourself to let go of the habit,” says Dr Thapa, stressing on the fact that once you condition your mind to believe you can change your habit, then it becomes easy to actually do so.
But Dr Thapa also mentions that conditioning of the mind is easier said than done. The toughest part of quitting any addiction is making up your mind to do so and sticking to it once you’ve started. Chances of a relapse are extremely high when your willpower isn’t that strong.
It is at times like these when factors like family support and encouragement from friends come into play. In the case of Suresh, he was lucky to have a strong support system in his wife and children who did everything they could to curb his drinking habit.
“When you’re a full-blown alcoholic, every aspect of your life suffers. Your health, relationships, career as well as your emotional wellbeing, everything suffers. The more you spiral into the self-destructive cycle of alcoholism, the more damage you do to every facet of your life,” says Suresh.
However, addiction not only hampers addicts’ lives but creates turmoil in the lives of their family members as well.
Kalpana Pradhan, 41, lost her father when she was just twelve. Her family had suffered in silence for many years before his death. His alcohol addiction had taken its toll on the family. They had to sell off whatever little remained of their property to pay the bills when her father was hospitalized during the last few days of his life.
“My father had already sold much of our property to sustain his drinking habits. Besides the emotional trauma we had to go through because of his addiction, life was tough because our finances were dwindling and we felt very insecure,” says Kalpana.
When someone in the family becomes addicted to alcohol, the effect ripples throughout the family. While living with alcohol abuse is difficult on the addict, the family members suffer more from the painful effects of the addiction.
Its far-reaching effects result in not only health problems for alcoholics but also may result in psychological and financial problems for the other members of the family. The family members who are so greatly affected may not ever recover from the traumas inflicted upon them.
Alcoholism’s effects on family can be very disastrous and in many cases are long-lasting. Many therapists call alcoholism a family disease because it subjects all members of a household to continuous stress and fears, and thus, to a large extent, all the members are affected.
“I grew up watching my mother’s life crumble before my very eyes. She was a very happy-go-lucky person but when my father started drinking too much, she started becoming depressed,” says Kalpana, adding that her father’s refusal to seek help for his condition further worsened their family life.
“My father refused to admit he had a drinking problem. When he eventually did, it was too late. He was already hospitalized with a severe case of liver cirrhosis,” says Kalpana with tears glistening in her eyes.
It can be extremely hard for someone who is addicted to alcohol to seek assistance. The shame often associated with alcoholism, as well as denial, can be an obstacle to getting help as many people don’t often realize until it is too late that they are alcoholics.
Dr Thapa, on the other hand, believes that it is the family’s responsibility to see to it that chronic alcoholics get medical help they are in dire need of. “You have to convince them. It’s a difficult job but the family members have to do it,” he says.
Those few who have been affected by alcoholism realize that by protecting the alcoholic with little lies and excuses, the family members themselves sometimes create a situation that makes it easier for the addict to continue and progress in his downward spiral. Rather than help the alcoholic, the family members unwittingly aid him to get worse.
“Suresh had always been a drinker and when we got married I never thought he would ultimately be drinking on a daily basis,” says Prabha Bista, 49, Suresh’s wife of 25 years, adding that his drinking habits led to a lot of fights and issues between them.“We almost got divorced at one point,” she mentions with an embarrassed smile.
“But she changed her mind because of our children. She felt they were already suffering, having to deal with an alcoholic father that she couldn’t put them through the trauma of a broken home, and I’m thankful to her for that,” says Suresh, cutting in as Prabha speaks.
Prabha, on the other hand, acknowledges her role in her husband’s alcoholism and mentions that, in retrospect, she now thinks she contributed to Suresh’s addiction.
It may start out with casually accepting unacceptable behavior by dismissing them with a simple comment like “He just had too much to drink last night.” A few years down the road, the behavior slowly becomes more and more intolerable until, without realizing it, the occasional drinker morphs into a full-fledged alcoholic.
“When people started commenting on Suresh’s drinking habits, I brushed it aside with casual remarks. Instead of telling him to cut down on his drinking habits, I used to make excuses for his behavior. Now I know how wrong I had been to do that,” says Prabha.
Whatever the case might be, Suresh has recovered and come out of his addiction. And he believes that the quality of his life has greatly improved because of it.
Contrary to popular belief, quitting is not really that difficult once you make up your mind, agree alcoholics unanimously. Alcoholism can be tackled with a determination and family support. And if that’s not enough, one shouldn’t be hesitant to seek medical help.
“Quitting alcohol will not only give you an immediate improvement in your overall health, it will also allow you to slowly put your life back together. It isn’t really that difficult once you decide on it,” says Suresh who now advices the very friends he used to drink with to give up and get their life back on track.
On quitting drinking Easy does it
While deciding to quit is definitely a good thing, it’s not advisable for chronic alcoholics to go cold turkey. The sudden absence of alcohol can cause great havoc in your system and lead to depressive tendencies, panic attacks, severe anxiety and withdrawal symptoms, making it all the more difficult to quit. You’re bound to reach for the bottle or order a peg and then one more in no time.
“If you think you may be dependent on alcohol and decide to stop drinking completely, plan the process. It’s much more effective when you prepare yourself. Also, sudden withdrawal from heavy drinking can be life-threatening. Doing it slowly is the key to a safe recovery,” says Dr Kamal Raj Thapa, Medical Officer at Bir Hospital.
“Quitting alcohol is a matter of mind over body for some people. While chronic alcoholics might need medical help, anyone can quit if they condition themselves accordingly,” he adds.
The Week, with Dr Thapa’s help, has listed the top three tips that might be helpful if you’re thinking of quitting.
Keep track of your drinking
To help you reach your goal, keep a drink diary. For example, write down every time you have a drink for a week. Try to keep your diary for 3-4 weeks. This will show you how much you drink and which will be immensely helpful while planning to quit. This way, you can set a goal and track your progress. You can also pick a day or two each week when you will not drink at all. Think about how you feel physically and emotionally on these days. When you succeed and feel better, you may find it easier to cut down for good.
First, reduce the quantity of alcohol intake
You’re probably not going to kick your habit in a week. Accept that, but remember small victories beget bigger ones. So, in the beginning, simply try to reduce the amount of alcohol you consume. Going straight from heavy drinker to cold turkey is a recipe for physical and emotional disaster. Start by cutting down on the number of drinks. Even if you only reduce your daily drinking by one drink, it’s a success. Keep working on reducing the alcohol you consume. Every week, cut down the total number of drinks by at least one. If you want to be more ambitious, try halving the number of drinks you allow yourself each week. The idea is to set a reasonable goal and then push yourself to slowly surpass that.
Avoid triggers
If you’re serious about getting rid of your drinking habit, then be ready to leave some of your drinking buddies or watering holes behind. If you tend to drink at home, keep very little alcohol in stash. If visiting a particular friend is the time you drink too much, then avoid heading over to his place. The idea is also to keep yourself engaged at the time when you would normally be drinking. So think of your hobbies or other activities and renew your interest in them. If you started as a social drinker and then moved on to needing and craving alcohol on a daily basis, then try to find alternatives to distract you. If you’ve relied on alcohol to be more comfortable at social gatherings and cope with problems, then look for healthier alternatives to deal with those issues.
On being raised by alcoholics
Do children of alcoholics become alcoholics?
Ankit Bhandari, son of a chronic alcoholic, certainly seems to think so. And that is, because he is one now.
Ankit remembers his father staggering home late at night, screaming at his mother, then heading off to sleep without taking a bite of the food his mother would warm up as soon as she heard his footsteps at the door.
“All my childhood was spent in complete disharmony. Fights were so common at home that I dreaded returning from school. Not only did I have to face a drunken father, I would also have to comfort another wailing parent,” he says.
Sworup Nhasiju
Ankit also remembers promising to himself that he wouldn’t be like his father. But at the age of 19, he started drinking. By 24, he was drinking every week, sometimes even twice or thrice a week. Now at 27, he drinks almost every single day.
While he doesn’t blame his father for his own dependency on alcohol, he does admit that his drinking habit stemmed from being raised in a household where nothing was stable and everything was in some way broken, if not shattered.
Many might not understand what exactly Ankit is trying to say when he talks about broken households but for Neha Dhakal, 25, the statement strikes a chord.
“Nothing seemed right in my house while I was growing up,” says Neha, adding that she had a very traumatic childhood as her father was an alcoholic and her mother was a ‘social drinker’ by her own admittance.
Neha can never recall a moment in her childhood when she was truly happy. Everyday was an ordeal for this young lady who now drinks regularly with her friends and finds that alcohol calms her otherwise jittery nerves and instills a can-do attitude in her.
“I was a teetotaler till a few years back. I don’t remember how I started drinking. One day, I just did, I guess,” she says, adding that she drinks to keep her emotions in check.
Alcoholism runs in families, and children of alcoholics are more likely than other children to become alcoholics themselves. In general, children of alcoholics are at greater risk for having emotional problems than children whose parents are not alcoholics.
Compounding the psychological impact of being raised by a parent who is suffering from alcohol abuse is the fact that most children of alcoholics have experienced some form of neglect or abuse.
“I used to pity myself and my mother and hate my father. In fact, the word ‘hate’ doesn’t even begin to describe the intensity of anger I felt for my father who in my opinion had completely ruined our family life,” says Ankit who had to take care of himself because his father was always drunk and his mother was too busy to attend to him since all her time was spent trying to adapt to her husband’s drunken ways.
When there’s an alcoholic in the family, life automatically revolves around the addict and the rest of the family members must learn to keep their family going, however they can. Both Ankit and Neha admit to being forced to grow up before time due to the circumstances at home.
“My friends always thought I was very precocious. I was too wise for my age, they said,” says Neha.
It is not unlikely for children of alcoholics to cope by taking the role of responsible ‘parents’ within the family and among friends. They may become controlled, successful and overachievers throughout school and at the same time be emotionally isolated from other children and teachers.
But no matter what the child of an alcoholic does, they cannot ‘fix’ their parent or their family. They may be able to take care of the wrongdoer, but they are unable to sort out the root of the problem: the addiction and relating family dysfunction that stems from it.
“Everything I did fell short when I was a child. No matter how good I was at studies or extracurricular activities, none of it made any difference in my life because no one paid any attention to it. No one seemed to care,” says Ankit.
Additionally, the child of an alcoholic or addict may blame him/herself for bad things that happen in the family, and are frequently guilt-ridden for reasons beyond their control. However, their emotional problems may show only when they are adults.
A child being raised by a parent who is suffering from alcohol abuse may have a myriad of conflicting emotions and may even grow up to become alcoholics themselves. Also, growing up in a family where one or both of the parents are alcoholic can prove to be so painful and emotionally traumatic that many years later the adult child will still be suffering from the scars.
“Being raised by alcoholic parents will have long-term repercussions. The child might never be normal,” says Neha who admits to having depressive spells even after all these years.
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