I've been seeing this guy for two and half months now and recently he asked for my Facebook password. I denied sharing it with him and he was visibly upset. I talked to my friends and most of them said it's like a relationship norm to share passwords these days. What should I do?
--Roselyn
Tame your man while you still can. (Smiles). Okay, may be that sounds very demeaning. But I think a woman's got to draw a clear boundary and clearly communicate what is okay and what is not okay with her.When young people fall in love, I think there is a tendency to give up their individuality and individual spaces. They begin to cling on to this one relationship and begin to compromise on other relationships. Relationships consume so much of their time that they begin to forget other aspects of their lives and existence. But then the problem of loving like this is that it begins to get very suffocating after a while. In the beginning, the whole idea of not keeping any secrets, of bringing down all form of walls, and sharing intimate and personal space seem very romantic. But after a while it is no longer romantic when the other person begins to question who you talk to, what messages you send to another person, what page you like and what you don't, and who you befriend and who you unfriend, and which selfie you upload and which you don't.
Giving your password isn't about giving your trust and unconditional love; it is about giving away your power and control of your own life. I mean seriously. You might think I'm over-stretching it and being paranoid over a Facebook password. But to me, giving away one's power and control over a personal space is saying okay to him controlling other aspects of your life. It is like saying he can pry into every aspect of your life. It is like saying it is okay for him to have power and control over you. It is like saying you'd do anything...like ANYTHING... to make him happy. It is like giving him the impression that he has the power to manipulate you to do whatever he wants, whenever he pleases.
Okay, maybe he is not that shrewd and manipulative trying to get power and control over you. Maybe, he thinks that sharing passwords is a proof of true love. Remind him, that love does not need proving. Remind him that true romantic love isn't about giving one's space, but creating shared spaces. You can always create a joint Facebook account to celebrate the joys of your love and relationship.
And, by the way, if the norm for kids in your generation is to share their passwords with their loved ones, I will so gladly let you join my generation. After all, our generation too had their share of crazy fun as well as meaningful, fulfilling and romantic relationships.
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
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