They are married but the society views their relationship as unusual because Suraj and Chandni both are female. Suraj explains that she takes on a masculine role in their relationship. Her masculinity takes over her physical appearance when they consummate their relationship. [break]
According to Chandni, her partner´s masculinity manifests at yet another time: whenever the couple fights. Chandni says Suraj is more aggressive and fights more, while she tends to remain quiet.
Chandni says that when jealousy results in her partner´s more macho and masculine behavior she sometimes feels confused about her decision to leave her family and thinks of returning home.
Suraj finds it is very difficult to live in a patriarchal society like Nepal, and claims that it is easier to be gay than to be a lesbian, an opinion shared by a number of lesbians interviewed. She says she tells herself, "I´ll live as a male, die as a male. It is hard, but I have to fight for it."
That said however, Suraj says she finds it very frustrating when people misunderstand or tease her and call her "intersex." "I´m not intersex. I´m biologically female. It´s just that I feel masculine," said Suraj.
Suraj claims that she has seen physical aggression occur between other lesbian couples that she knows, but maintains that in their relationship the aggression is usually verbal. "I don´t often beat my partner but I certainly scold her," said Suraj, admitting that her aggression is usually a result of jealousy.
According to Suraj, her aggression is not to show masculinity or to prove that she has more power over her partner. The physical assault comes from feeling insecure about the relationship because there is no security to be had from family or legal marriage.
To be a woman in Nepal is difficult, but to be a lesbian woman is far harder. Conditions have improved both legally and socially in the last decade, but a number of obstacles remain in the way of safety and equality for lesbians.
One issue that receives very little attention is that of physical abuse among lesbian couples.
Lesbian sexuality and relationships are not openly discussed topics in Nepal and as a result education for prevention of physical abuse is less common for lesbian couples than for heteronormative relationships.
Inclusive Forum Nepal (IFN), an organization of the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender) people, claims that one of its recent studies has revealed that more than 300 lesbian couples are now living in the Kathmandu Valley. They say though they are married they continue to struggle for legal status of their marriage.
And, as among heterosexual couples, masculinity that often results in physical abuse exists in most of lesbian couples, too.
Laxmi Ghalan, 30, has been in a lesbian relationship for the past 13 years. Ghalan has seen several abusive relationships within the lesbian community and says that those who take on a more macho and masculine role tend to be more violent.
Ghalan says that it is not uncommon to see relationships split between feminine and masculine lesbians, and for one party to remain clothed during intercourse. She has not experienced physical abuse herself, and says that her relationship is more gender equal.
On the topic of abuse, she says that for lesbians it can also come in the form of an "eternal threat from the society." Ghalan refers to the aftermath of the recent Supreme Court case of Rajani Shahi, a lesbian who wished to live with her partner rather than her husband and who took shelter with Ghalan´s organization (Mitini Nepal). "Nine months ago my fellows (at Mitini Nepal) and I had to go underground for thirteen days because of threats of assault," said Ghalan.
Badri Pun (transgender F to M), president of a new organization called Inclusive Forum Nepal (IFN), says that he accepts that many girls are in violent situations because of macho or manly sentiments such as his own.
Pun says that relationships should be equal, but he finds that this is not always the case.
Concerned by this, he tries to teach others to act differently. According to Pun, lesbian relationships work the same as heterosexual couples: it depends on the individuals. In heterosexual relationships he says, sometimes the wife dominates the husband and bosses him around, sometimes visa versa and it is the same with lesbians. He says that he´s never been violent with his partner, and that his partner is in fact more dominating, even though he plays the masculine role.
Equality and physical safety are concerns in all relationships, be it gay or straight. For the LGBT community however, those are not the only issues they face.
Pun says that most of the young generation understands about LGBT rights now, but that their organization seeks to have more policies implemented at the governmental level in order to have a long term effect.
According to Pun, the government has annual home based and skill development programs for a variety of different marginalized groups, as well as high school scholarships. He seeks to have these sorts of programs offered for LGBT individuals as well, and also hopes to convince the government to change the language used by their institutions to Male, Female and Other, leading other private institutions by example towards inclusiveness.
Pun hopes the government will take actions to open LGBT chapters in high schools and K+ grades to raise awareness, and include curriculum in the school systems which would educate on issues of gender and sexuality. Most of all, says Pun, LGBT marriage still needs to be accepted. Like many others in the LGBT community, he says that some of the jealousy and insecurity among lesbian couples is a result of concerns over long term security.
For instance, Pun´s partner could leave him for a man who she could legally marry; there wouldn´t be social stigma in that situation and she might find greater stability or security in it.
The 2008 Supreme Court case ruled that the government is required to create laws allowing for equal rights for the LGBT community. Though it hinted at the need for same sex marriage legislations, it did not expressly demand it.
Pun says that the government cannot digest the idea. He emphasizes the legal difficulties that face LGBT couples who cannot leave property to their partners because they lack the legal advantages of an official marriage.
Manish Thapa, a fellow member of IFN, recently tied the knot with his girlfriend. They, however, lament that the marriage is not legal and it matters "only in the eyes of god."
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