"The day we fixed my daughter's wedding date was one of immense happiness. I had personally bought sweets in the morning so that we could celebrate the very moment our
pandjit ji confirmed the day," says 55 year old Shova Shrestha. "But all of a sudden, as everybody was hugging and congratulating each other, it dawned on me that my little girl would be leaving our home. My daughter was getting married! Everybody thought it was tears of joy but despite my happiness for her, there was this aching pain inside my chest."
Weddings have indeed always proven to be an emotional affair for the mother of the bride. But as Shova put it, despite the overwhelming urge to tightly embrace her daughter and have a moment or two together, there is never quite enough time to pour our feelings. After all there is a wedding to plan.
Maya Rai, 45, having just married her eldest daughter couldn't agree more. "We hope that our daughters will become educated, independent women but we also dream that they will have a happy married life. Their wedding is the spark that grants the latter wish, so in my mind, it had to be perfect."
It's a sentiment many mothers of Nepali brides share. Thus in their effort to make their daughter's day 'perfect', they often have a million and one things to do. The mother is the self appointed general of the whole wedding crew. She is the one in charge of upholding traditions as well as seeing that all of the bride's demands are met. Suggesting that the months leading up to the weddings is hectic for every mother of the bride, would be a gross understatement. However on the up side, for most, it also turns out to be the time they get to have their daughter wholly to themselves.
"Even though ever since her birth you have known that your daughter is going to be married away to another family, nothing can prepare you for the sudden emptiness that you start to feel as the wedding day approaches. So every single day you get to have her to yourself is one you begin to treasure," says Maya.
Despite having married off her daughter six years ago, Kavita Dhakal admitted that she felt the same way. "During the wedding preparation my daughter and I had some arguments over the guest lists and the blouse designs. I remember thinking it's perhaps going to be our last proper fight since she will be spending more time with her new family now. That made me a little sad which in turn made me really relish our heated debates."
With the long list of things to do though, the mothers admit that they didn't quite have the chance to enjoy a heart to heart with their daughters before their weddings. In fact, even if they had taken a break from the rush, they confessed they wouldn't know where to begin.
"My own mother had given me a list of rules. They included advices on cooking, my relationship with the in- laws, and some more tricks for the household chores. I retold all those things to my daughter. But if I was being honest, I wanted to share my feelings and give her my blessings. It's just that I was such a mixed bag of emotions that I didn't know how to articulate it all. So I focused on teaching her some more recipes," says Shova with a laugh.
When a daughter is getting married, it is a significant moment in her life. It is a transition that will see her begin a new chapter with a new family. This has been known to bring back many memories. From her first step to that day she decided to play dress up in front of the mirror. Where has the time gone?
"Watching your child grow up is a surreal experience. As a mother, watching your daughter evolve into a woman is even more of a unique experience. You can relate in so many ways," says Maya. "You see that your daughter has come to that point when she has to tackle the mysteries and challenges of marriage as well. She has to find the strength to raise and take care of her own family. What's more, in many ways, you can't do anything but wish her the best. This is her journey from here on."
It's a concern that seems to nag every mother of the bride. All of a sudden they find themselves second guessing the lessons they have imparted to their daughters. They hope it will be enough to get them a solid start living away from the family she was born into.
"The whole concept of giving your daughter away in our Nepali culture is a touchy subject, especially if you ask a mother. We understand it's a tradition that has been carried on for generations but you can't help but wonder if the other family will look after your daughter. What if she falls sick? Also there are some of her habits, will they tolerate it all? My daughter in particular had not been bought up with the burden of chores. The days before her wedding, I was worried sick how she would cope," says Kavita.
However, the wedding day is inevitable. The janti comes along, the rituals are carried out and before long it is time to bid your daughter goodbye and good luck.
"I kept repeating to myself that she will be living in the same town, there will be regular calls and hopefully regular visits as well. Despite how overwhelmed I felt, I didn't want to make it a big deal. I didn't want her to think it was a big deal," says Maya.
Weddings turn out to be a new journey for both the mother and the bride. In the extremes of various emotions, it's the bond between them that strengthens. After the exhaustion of all the preparation, the joy of the ceremony, and following lull upon its completion, there is a sense that together they have crossed over to another phase of their relationship.
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