Natasha told me, “You won’t understand my feelings unless you part with someone who loved you more than everything in his life. And suddenly he asks you to go away without any reason. You are getting punished for the mistakes you have never committed.” 

Relationships are quite complicated, sometimes you need a reason to love a person, later you start finding reasons to forget them. Sometimes you have no idea how to start, later you start looking for its ending. Similar series of events had happened in Natasha’s life. I had no idea how to even console her. I just wanted to make her feel comfortable which seemed quite tough then. 

I asked, “Would you like to hear a story? It’s about my beloved, who never told me he was leaving.” She nodded. While counseling my clients at Mahottari, I had learnt that depressed people can be helped with positive thoughts. So I started. 

“I don’t know, how my pen feels but I always feel the same energy in my body when I start writing about him. My mind is always ready with words to explain him. He was the one, whose hands were ready to welcome me in this new world. He had named me Pooja, which means worship. He used to say me that I am his princess or some angel to him, I am his worship.” 

“Once, my grandma had organized a Ramarcha puja at home. Dad brought a beautiful white colored fairylike dress for me. I was happy wearing that. More than the puja, I was eagerly waiting to eat the prasad. I insisted dad to bring some Prasad for me. He tried to explain me that should not have Prasad before the puja is over. But I insisted and told him he’d get it for me if he truly loved me.” 

“So, he went near the Gods’ idols and brought some prasad for me. When my mom saw this, she started to scold my dad. When mom’s words were over, dad told her, “May be those idols have some meaning to you, you regularly worship them. But I worship the one whom you conceived and gave birth as a baby girl after nine months, so I stole some fruits from your god to my worship, I am sorry for that.” I could not get those words then but I understand it now.” 

“One sudden day, dad got a letter from his office that said he was supposed to be there tomorrow. I asked dad to leave some other time and stay for now. But he said, “All the things in this world are not supposed to be as you plan it, sometimes you need to accept how the life comes to you. Can my Pooja handle her mom and brothers when I am not here. Is she a brave girl?”” 
“I promised him to be a brave girl and a good daughter before he left.” 

“My results were out and I was soon going to be a student of the fourth grade. I was waiting for dad with my good report card. He will be here in a week grandpa informed us. All of us were waiting for him.” 

“Finally the day came for his arrival. Mom was cooking some special dishes for him and grandma was making some designs on a handkerchief with some colorful threads. Suddenly one of our neighboring uncles came and asked for grandpa. He looked worried. He hurriedly approached grandpa and started to say something, but his tears were faster than his words. He couldn’t say it. He burst into tears.” 

“After a minute, mom and grandma were there too. Finally, he put it into words “Your son is no more.” Again he burst into tears. My mom could not handle herself and she fainted. Grandma and grandpa too burst into tears. Our neighbors came to console my family but it was tough then too.” 
“I could not understand then what was going on and why suddenly all the drama. I got it only on the next day when I saw my father’s body lying on a bed decorated beautifully with flowers. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to be with him there in his lap. But none allowed me. I was trying to talk to my hero, and make him happy with my third grade report cards.”

“The neighbors came to break the bangles that my mother was wearing. Since then, she has never worn any bangles. My mom and grandma kept crying for days. Relatives visited us to console. Everyone came but my hero never came. But I remembered that I had promised him to be a brave girl and good daughter for mom. I knew his dreams so I started living with them.”

“Although his body is not with us, I still feel his spirit around when I close my eyes. I was a part of the relationship so I still keep writing about him and our love. Our relationship gets a meaning when we are able to keep it alive. Our partner’s presence or absence accumulates some energy in us and it’s totally up to us on how we utilize it. I chose this way and now it’s your turn dear.”

“And finally she smiled. I saw hopes accumulating in her eyes.”

Promisha is a Computer Engineering graduate from IOE Pulchowk Campus, Kathmandu.