‘Love yourself before you love others’

Dear Malvika,
I am a 25-year-old lady.  I have been in a relationship for four years. The guy belongs to a different caste than mine. We’ve had our ups and downs in these four years, but he always assured me that he’d never leave me. Since the last two months, he has been ignoring me, and changed his home address too. He doesn’t even want to meet or talk to me and has said that his family won’t accept me because I belong to a Newar family. I don’t know if he is serious, but he says that he has someone else in his life, and is engaged to her. I was extremely hurt, and requested that he come back in my life. I tried to forget him, but it is getting tougher with time. Please suggest me how I can convince him to come back into my life or take the right step forward.

I am really sorry to read about your situation at the moment. If he does not want to be with you, he should have sat down with you and communicated properly. It would have been easier for you to move on. Now since he has already told you few things, it seems he really doesn’t want to be with you. If someone can be influenced by what his family thinks, even after four years of being together, then the relationship is not worth the effort. Maybe he was unsure of the relationship for some time and his family’s opinion made him change his mind. He doesn’t believe in you or the relationship anymore, and this is not an uncommon situation. So, do not take it at heart. See this as life’s guiding moment for you to meet someone who respects and loves you. I know it might seem unreal right now, but you will surely meet someone that deserves you. Take your mind off him. Distract yourself and seek peace in other things. Block him for every mental and physical aspect. Constantly tell yourself that he did not deserve you, not the other way round. And please don’t look for acceptance in any man. What does he mean by he cannot accept you? Come on! Have some self respect and use that anger and frustration to guide yourself somewhere good.

Dear Malvika,
I’m a 24-year-old married woman and mother to a one-year-old baby. We are living abroad and I’m not doing any job right now so, basically I’m a housewife for the time being. You are also a mother and you seem to have maintained your weight very well and I also admire your dressing style. The problem with me is that I think my dressing sense is not good enough to complement my looks. I live in such a city where I can get clothes from any brand, but when I buy something and wear it, I think it looks dull. Can you suggest me how I can improve my dressing sense and feel special in whatever I wear?

Thank you for the compliments. I will tell you one thing. Clothes do not make you, you make the clothes. First of all you need to get out of “I am a mother, I need to dress like one” thought from your head. I used to feel the same way when my son was few months old. I thought I wasn’t sexy; I was ugly and had no confidence on myself. The only saving grace was I learnt the art of dressing up a long time back. So I hid my tummy and wore clothes that would make me look slim. I always wanted to get back in shape and look like before. So the mental image helped me a lot. Slowly, I gathered my confidence one step at a time, and focused on my mental and physical well being. And you are just 24, I was 34 when Rio was born. Many brands have personal shoppers or stylists in hand. Take a girlfriend or sister who is good at giving advice and ask them to help you buy clothes. When you are alone, stand naked, yes naked and embrace every part of your body, and love them. Once you do, you will be liberated from what society perceives you should have. Study about your body type and play with colors. I have always had big hips and small waist so, I dress up accordingly. High-waist pants have been a life saver for me. With big thighs, I keep my lower body in dark colors and choose colors which makes me shine. I also started dabbling in make-up and made sure I looked good every time I stepped out of the house. These are external extensions to keep you happy but why not right. And do not forget to have a nice dance with your baby, it will make you feel special.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 33-year-old unmarried guy in relationship with a 27-year-old girl for the past two years. I really love her, and want to settle down with her. But, she always makes excuses. Although she says I am the most loving and caring person she has ever met, our relationship is getting turbulent. These days she has been ignoring me, and frequently gets annoyed. She often blames me for everything that has gone wrong in our relationship although she is the one who initiates a fight. I got suspicious of her behavior, and recently found that she has been dating another guy. I was really heartbroken, and haven’t talked with her since. Please tell me, should I take revenge or just let her realize her mistake? I know she will realize some day that she will never find another guy like me. But right now, I am very upset and I might make wrong decisions in a fit of rage. I really don’t know what to do. Please help me make right decisions.

I believe you should take this as a boon and move on. Seeking harm for somebody else will harm you instead. Having thoughts of revenge and wanting to hurt her will not give you peace. Trust me. It will make you angrier. And if your relationship wasn’t good then don’t you think it was better she went with someone else. I know it hurts, your ego hurts, I can feel you. And just the thought as to “how dare she do this to me when all I have been is good” is what you must feel. So let her be. I know you need closure and I am sure you will find it soon, somewhere, I hope you do. If you want, send her a last text and wish her luck. Every time you feel angry, it is better you think of positive things and how you now have more space in your life to meet someone who loves you dearly. Start dating again, but do not be serious right away. Take your time and meet new people. And never mention bad things about her. Be a gentleman and always say good things. That’s how you make people regret and feel bad. Good luck.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 27-year-old unmarried woman. Recently, I have not been able to find my way. My family members don’t support me and they criticize me for whatever I do. Since I have not completed my studies, and have been living on my own, I have now realized that I should complete my education. I have been working in a school and living my life independently. I met a guy some time back, and we started dating. I thought he would love me, but with time he stopped caring about me. I felt hurt and frustrated. I finally decided to part our ways and now I keep feeling guilty for trusting him. I want to get rid of all the guilt and establish my life without depending on anyone. Please give me some suggestions.

Not yet married should be the right word. Unmarried sounds so sad. Anyways getting back to your query, the only way of getting rid of the guilt is that you need to embrace positivity with time. Sort out your life first. The criticism that comes from family is good and bad at the same time. It can make or break you. It’s up to you to decide and work on which way you need to go. Mine made me, and I took it in my heart to change my ways and prove that I can be good at what I do. I would suggest you to go back to your studies while working at the same time. I am sure you will need the money. Also focus on what makes and keeps you happy. You need to love yourself first before you can love anyone. Relationships will always be complicated. Our individuality makes us that way. The way we deal with good and bad situations is what makes us different. And if you have good friends, share or write down your thoughts. It will make you feel better.

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