The wedding gift culture is a financial burden on the bride’s family as much as the dowry is. The best we can do is love our daughters and sons equally; strengthen and empower them equally so that women are not dependent on men, neither factually nor seemingly.
Iterating the obvious, dowry is a financially exploitative and ideologically sexist practice. The bride's family is expected to provide a large sum of money or/and expensive gifts to the groom which places a financial burden on the bride's family. This financially exploitative expectation is based on the presupposition that the groom always provides financial support for the bride to survive, which reinforces stereotypical gender roles. This is exactly when the very concept of dowry becomes ideologically sexist alongside being a financially exploitative practice. Furthermore, dowry objectifies women as property that can be bought and sold. The price that the groom expects from the bride’s family is, factually, attributing a monetary value to the bride.
In Nepal, the cases related to dowry have been going down in recent years. However, the paradigm shift from the groom’s side vocally demanding the dowry to the silent exchange of wedding gifts between the families cannot go unnoticed. In recent times, the consciousness of feminism has risen, the move toward equality has begun and the revolts against social malpractices are common. The National Population and Housing Census 2078 shows that 31.55 percent of the families in Nepal are now headed by women, which is a 5.82 percent rise compared to the 2068 census. Most remarkably, we have laws that forbid giving and taking dowry. The National Penal Code, 2074 (2017) recognizes dowry as a crime and prescribes imprisonment of up to three years or a fine of up to Rs 30,000 or both. Further, harassing the bride or her relative for dowry after the conclusion of marriage or even merely asking for it amounts to a crime punishable by up to five years imprisonment or Rs 50,000 fine or both. Not to forget, the property so obtained is also to be returned.
Groom dissatisfied with dowry walks out of wedding, arrested
Owing to this, dowry is no longer practiced commonly. Instead, we witness its variation - “the wedding gift culture”. The ‘wedding gift’ lexicon does not sound as wrong as dowry and is not commonly condemned. The reason could be the lack of realization that it is a modernized variation of dowry. The other reason behind the wide acceptance of wedding gift culture could be that we humans live in a society bound by social agreements. The bottom line is that people tend to abide by these social norms to be portrayed as a respectful and dignified family in society’s books so that they can marry off their daughters to a “nice family” where she is valued. Parents’ concern for their daughters’ future is undeniably heartwarming. Nevertheless, paying the price for someone to marry them merely defines our daughters as creatures dependent on men for their basic survival and happiness. It’s high time we pondered over the ways we could love our daughters as humans and not parasites.
A bizarre social narrative questions how giving off cash, gold, and properties to the daughter is deemed wrong when she has an inherent right to her parent’s properties. The answer is - it isn’t wrong (in itself). The wedding gift practice becomes wrong when it is mandatorily expected from the bride as a condition of marriage.
From dowry to wedding gift culture, we have witnessed drastic cultural changes over the years. The concept is rooted in the Indian sub-continent from time immemorial. The epic mythology Ramayana portrays the context of dowry in Ayodhya Kanda where King Janak was overjoyed while marrying off his daughter to Lord Rama. The King gave myriads of valuable gold and jewels, garments, buffalos, cows, and many more as dowry to the groom. Moreover, the chapter is recited with pride and glory.
Even now, when a wedding takes place, the bride’s family gives off materials ranging from furniture, washing machine, refrigerator, TV, car, jewels to cash, and cheques to meet the groom’s wants and society’s demands. The so-called progressive families do not exclusively demand dowry because they do realize the inhumanity and illegality of dowry culture. Nevertheless, they resort to vicious insinuations equally noxious.
The variation exists not just in time but in geography too. In the Terai of Nepal, people practice dowry explicitly and the criminal cases arising out of this malpractice such as domestic violence, burns, and deaths make it evident that it is a major problem. In November 2022, the Neha Chaudhary incident from Mahottari drew significant public attention when she was beaten by her husband, a reputed doctor at the renowned Grande Hospital in Kathmandu. The whole incident revolved around dowry and the victim asserted that around 12.5 million rupees were spent on furniture, 20 tolas of gold, and other items of dowry as per her in-laws’ wish. She avowed that her husband insisted on buying him a house in Kathmandu City. While this particular case drew attention, there are thousands more occurring every day in Southern Nepal that go unnoticed by the media.
The patriarchal dowry culture fetters the hills and even the capital city of Nepal. Albeit in different forms, the burden of patriarchy remains unchanged. Socially, it has been so important for the bride’s family to gift valuable items to everyone in the groom’s extended family. The groom’s family pressurizing the bride’s family to throw a lavish wedding party is no less than the exploitative dowry culture. While the exteriors might project a picture of joy and grandeur, concealed within are the burden borne by the bride's families, echoing the trials witnessed in Terai. Women are being subjected to hatred, putdowns, verbal taunts, and daily doses of criticism merely because they could not meet these demands. Therefore, these financial strains are accepted by the bride’s guardians so that their daughter does not have to go through any of this in her married life. Alas, the more gifts given by the bride, the bigger the groom’s pride.
In our patrilineal society, a girl leaves her parent’s home and permanently shifts to her in-laws' home post-wedding. This could be one of the reasons why the groom’s family feels entitled to dowry or wedding gifts. Dowry is expected as compensation for the living cost, facilities, and amenities provided to a bride by the groom. When we abide by this very culture, we are perpetuating the idea that a woman survives on her husband’s sympathy. As if women are objects requiring constant care from men, dowry culture warrants financial contributions from her dad to her husband to maintain her well-being and desired lifestyle.
However, the patrilineal structure of a family is being less common slowly and gradually with new couples choosing to live separately from their parents. Amidst all the joys and woes this transition might bring to our families, reform in dowry culture is also expected. As the French say, “Qui Vivra Verra”, only time shall tell what will happen next. But for now, the wedding gift culture is a financial burden on the bride’s family as much as the dowry is. The best we can do is love our daughters and sons equally; strengthen and empower them equally so that women are not dependent on men, neither factually nor seemingly.
