Apparently even today a decade later, the thought of being caught still sends a shiver down Shamita's spine."It certainly was a gigantic risk but I just hated the way I looked as a 14 year old. I was already 5'8" tall. I was also slowly developing muscles and growing a hint of a moustache. It was not what I wanted to be. But make up somehow helped me feel better," she explains.Shamita's voice trailed off. She looked a little embarrassed. She was apparently wondering whether her confession made me feel uncomfortable. She then quickly added that it was ok if it did and smiled muttering something about being used to such reactions.
"It's the fate of being born in a wrong body," declares an exasperated Anjali. "You are expected to apologize for being who you are and how you feel."
It's not that Nepalis are oblivious to the existence of transgender people. It's not that transgender issues are not being brought to the forefront. It's not that their rights aren't being advocated for. It's the fact that despite the notion of acceptance, on a personal level, members of the transgender community feel ostracized at every turn. The staring, the whispering, and the shaming have not stopped for most parts thus they find themselves asking, will people never empathize with the personal predicaments of bring born a transgender?
Anjali fondly remembers the very first day she walked the streets of Kathmandu as a woman. After spending 19 years as a boy teased by his peers for his girly demeanor and scolded by his father for his 'unmanly' interests, he made a decision to approach the Blue Diamond Society.
"For the first time it felt like I belonged. For the first time, somebody accepted me for my personality. We just had to celebrate. So on that day itself, I borrowed a dress from one of my new friends. I didn't have any women clothes back then and my hair was short too. So I donned a wig and we stepped out together," says Anjali. "It felt like freedom."
Unfortunately what feels so natural to Anjali, still appears the most unnatural to many people and they are not shy about expressing their feelings. It may be their chosen religion, their orthodox beliefs or their ignorance, either way, majority of the society still find it uncomfortable to fully accept the trans lifestyle.
Otherwise why would it be almost impossible to land a job in Nepal as a transgender individual? Many landlords have also been known to refuse rent to members of the transgender community. The ones who do manage to land a room have to pay double and sometimes even triple the charge. There are many cases of trans men and women dropping out of colleges as well because of the stigmas against them. All these factors inevitably snowball to make life very difficult for them. It's also the reason many have to degrade themselves by working the street corners. Now some organizations may be fighting for these basic rights to be restored, however, on a personal level, the public's action do cut deep.
"The fact is I haven't met a single trans man or woman who has not questioned their fate. We all, at one point or the other, have experienced immense sorrow, anger and frustration for being born in the wrong body. But then again, when my own family has disowned me, I guess I can't accept the society to fully understand these things," laments Shamita.
Family affairs tend to be another huge challenge faced by all those of the transgender community. The ones who do have the courage to come out and confirm their identities are mostly pressured to reform themselves or severe ties. So it's very common for Nepali trans men and women to not be on speaking terms with their parents and relatives.
It's also a reason why many trans men and women prefer leading double lives. Days are often for pretending and nights are for living out their true identity. Namrata can vouch for it because after coming to terms with her realself, she has lived that double life for two years.
"You would be surprised at how many people from different classes and castes are transgender here in our capital. Some are in denial, some are terribly afraid and some think it is more convenient to pretend. The latter was my reason too. But after two years I just got so tried with all the pretence. I mean, how long can you go lying about yourself to everybody? " asks Namrata.
Today Namrata even refuses to recall the boy's name that she was given and recognized by since birth. As she puts it, "he was a lie." However, her bold decision to expose herself as a trans women has come at a big cost. She has had to completely give up her old life and build a new one in Bangkok. Apparently living in Kathmandu was not even an option. She was too scared about people's reaction. Namrata calls herself lucky though, because at least she was economically stable to escape. There in Bangkok she has access to fair treatment, sex change surgeries and hormone pills. But some days, she quietly confesses, it doesn't make up for her lost friends and family.
"Acceptance alone is a tremendous challenge. You can only imagine the risks and sacrifices we have to take and make if we want more," says Anish who identifies himself as a trans man. Dressed in a neatly ironed check shirt and cargo pants, he gives example of high paying jobs and marriage.
He reveals that he has been in a relationship for nine years now and in an ideal world, he'd have a lavish wedding ceremony for his extended family and group of friends. He would then bring his bride home back to his parents. However, the fact that his parents are still in denial about his identity does put a damper on his plans.
"Well, my mother did give birth to a girl. Even today my parents pretend that I just have a tomboyish nature. They still hope that I will get married to a man in the future. I just don't have the heart to correct them anymore. Whereas my other relatives are concerned, I'm sure some of them suspect but nobody talks about it," shares Anish. He has lost two good job appointments in two years because of his transgender status, and he says he doesn't want to lose his family too.
To call the trans lifestyle a complex one would be an understatement. Despite the extraordinary struggle they encounter on a daily basis many trans men and women are trying to make the best of the situation they find themselves in. Though they admit, it would certainly help if the society stopped defining them according to their gender and start accepting them for who they truly are.
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