It’s been three years since I completed my graduation and I’ve finally decided to study again. I’m looking at courses I can do overseas and scholarships that are available in the universities there. However, I feel rushed and pressurized, especially since I haven’t been able to decide on a course that I want to study, and the one I want to pursue isn’t available in most of the universities. My family wants me to start applying as soon it’s possible so that I can get into a university early next year, whereas I was thinking of starting a course late in the next year. In all this hassle, I’m yet to decide on a course and I’m worried I’ll settle for one that will prove to be uninteresting later. What should I do?
- Rumi
Dear Rumi,
Let’s think about it from the beginning. 1) Do you believe that the only problem right now is that your parents are rushing you or you haven’t found a university with a program that you want and thus you would rather go there a year later? 2) Is there something more going in your mind that is stopping you from moving on? Are there things unresolved back here that you need to sort out before you feel free to move on? 3) Is it really impossible to find a university and a program that you want in the given time a constraint? 4) Are you feeling any sort of anxiety about leaving? 5) Is your anxiety more than the amount of work that needs to be done? 6) Have you broken down the list of things that you need to get done before you can leave and clearly mapped out how long it actually takes for you to land in the University and the course you want? I think if you can think about these questions and be honest with yourself, you’ll clearly see the answers standing right in front of you. Just relax and be kind to yourself.
Dear Swastika,
I’m the eldest child in my family and I try to be a good example to my younger siblings – a sister and a brother. The problem is that my brother, who is 18, spends a lot of money and is always asking for more than his share of pocket money. My parents are fed up, and have asked me to talk to him, which I’ve done but he always has a good excuse regarding why he needs money. As far as we know, he isn’t doing drugs, so we aren’t that worried. But I want him to respect the effort that goes into earning money for oneself. Can you suggest what I ought to tell him?
- Khoke
Dear Khoke,
There are several battles in a war. To win the war, you don’t have to win all the battles. As long as you win the war, it doesn’t matter how many battles you lose and how many you win. The reason I’m bringing this analogy is because raising children or guiding sibling is like a ‘war.’ So what you want to figure out is, ‘What does winning this war look like?’ What do you want for your brother’s future? What do you want him to achieve in 10 years’ time? What kind of character you want him to develop? When you know the answers, you should also know that guiding your brother is a delicate and difficult job and it’s not like you push one button and it’ll run on a set track forever. You’ll have to constantly battle with him – sometime push him off the track to teach him a lesson, sometimes give him a hand and pull him back on track so that he’ll know you’ll always be there for him. So, as you battle with his irresponsibility and reckless financial habits and decide what to do or what not to do, all I can say is that you should think what your final victory or final goal for him is. Think if you should win this battle or if you should lose in this battle in order to take your brother to the final victory. Then do whatever (literally whatever!) it takes to get him to where he needs to be. But even when you are in anger or all love for him, always make sure he knows that you’re there, you want the best for him, and that you’re going to do whatever it takes to keep him on the right track.
Dear Swastika,
I’m a hardworking student and enjoy studying. But lately, I’ve been losing focus on my studies. Maybe it’s due to the subjects that I don’t like which have been included in this semester’s course. But my grades really matter to me. What should I do to maintain consistency with my grades?
–Tina
Dear Tina,
You know how many years of my youthful life I spent trying to make that perfect poached egg and how I blamed my skills for never being able to make one? Then one fine day, I realized that the bottom of the pan in our house had a deep dent that made the eggs break each time I tried turning it.
Be kind to yourself. We grow up in a culture where we feel obligated to take all the responsibilities on to ourselves. We have such unrealistically high expectations from ourselves. If you don’t like the subjects that you’re taking right now, change them! If you can’t change them, it’s okay not to have these shining grades all the time. If you don’t get bad grades in something, you’ll never know which career isn’t meant for you or that you’ll not be happy with. If some lovers don’t break your heart, you’ll never know what you want in a life partner. If you keep blaming yourself and pushing yourself, you’ll never know that the pan is dented and you just need to get a new one. Sometimes we know what’s right when things go wrong.
Swastika Shrestha is the founder of Anuvuti – a social enterprise that engages young people in service-learning. She has been coaching and mentoring young people in different capacities for over a decade.
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