But Rupa is not always lucky. People do not always talk to her first and she often finds herself in what feels like a crippling state. She finds herself feeling lonely most of the time, unable to make friends, eating by herself at lunch in school, and sensing that she has no “connection” with the outside world.
Loneliness, despite being a fairly common experience, is rarely researched systematically. One reason is that it is considered as a highly personal experience that is often difficult to communicate because of its painful nature and people’s negative attitude toward it. Researchers have claimed that instances of loneliness once passed are tough to recall. Another possible reason is that loneliness is often confounded with feelings of solitude since both emotional states involve being alone.
However, each of them is a distinctive way of being alone. Solitude is a state of being secluded. It may stem from deliberate choice, contagious disease, disfiguring features or circumstances of employment. People in search of inner peace and with religious inclinations also choose solitude as a time to contemplate and self-reflect. The seclusion is often characterized by a lack of contact with other people, which is where it becomes erroneously equated with loneliness. Researchers warn not to interchange solitude with feelings of loneliness which has been associated with pathological tendencies such as eating disorders like anorexia (excessively depriving oneself of food), and mood disorders like depression. This may be true to some extent.
However, loneliness is a common experience among ordinary, normal people without necessarily crossing over to the realm of psychopathology.
Loneliness, despite being a fairly common experience, is rarely researched systematically. One reason is that loneliness is often confounded with feelings of solitude since both emotional states involve being alone. However, each of them is a distinctive way of being alone.
Loneliness, in a less pathological context, is conceptualized as “lacking connection” with others, particularly with people that assume important roles in a person’s life. It is often reported as a feeling of being cut off, disconnected from, and alienated toward, other people. The lonely person may find it difficult or even impossible to have any form of meaningful human contact. Lonely people often experience a subjective sense of inner emptiness or hollowness, with feelings of separation or isolation from the people around them. There is an inherent feeling of being alone and helpless, representing an often crippling deficit in a person’s social relationship.
Loneliness is also viewed as arising from a strong desire for company. However, it is more than just the feeling of wanting company or wanting to do something with another person. It is rather a craving for specific forms of relationships. This is because a person can be involved in a social activity but the feeling of being lonely is still uninterrupted. The social activity may be felt as “out there” but in no way engages the individual’s emotions, further accentuating the feelings of a “lack of connection.”
Ayush, a 25-year-old working professional in Kathmandu, describes his loneliness in this way: “When I am lonely I somehow become aware that I do not really have a connection with others, a connection that I feel I need, almost like a question of survival. And when I feel unconnected, I feel as if I am looking into my life as an outsider. It makes me withdraw into myself like a turtle inside its shell and away from this painful situation. It gives me a sense that I am okay, that I am not really crazy or unloved. In a way it makes me value myself and whatever relationships I have with people. But it is not a pleasant feeling at all and yet at the same time it helps to escape the pain of not having that needed connection with people.”
The most glaring feature of this description that sheds light on the emotional state of loneliness is the person’s feeling of “ought to be” that is embedded in what he says. The fact that the person’s very survival depends on this needed connection that is missing stresses the idea that this connection “ought to” exist in his life. Although the person feels a need to withdraw away from interpersonal relationships, the need to uphold his value of the importance of relationships is clear. The person feels that a relational connection with people “ought to” exist and is valuable to him.
Like most lonely people, the movement to establish the lost connection is expected to come from the other person, not from him/herself as Rupa described in her loneliness experience. The self is either unable to move toward the other person, or unwilling to make the move. However, the self is aware that she “ought to” (as Rupa mentions she would like very much to initiate conversations but is simply unable to) move toward the other person if the connection is to be preserved or re-affirmed.
The findings of my research with Nepali youth on the social and emotional aspects of their loneliness experiences suggest that lonely people often struggle with issues of their own inability to reach out to the person, willingness to reach out to the other person, fear of rejection from others, and an obligation to initiate a relationship. They also struggle with a desire for the other person to be willing to reach out to them and sometimes feel that the other is obligated to initiate a relationship. At the same time, lonely people can be aware that the other person may also be unable to reach out to them in the way they want and they accept that person’s inability to do so.
So the next time you feel tempted to think of someone as standoffish and aloof, ask yourself – are they lonely? You can perhaps walk over to them and say a friendly “Hello!”
Writer is a psychologist. This article is an excerpt from her research on the socio-emotional relationships in Loneliness presented at the Eastern Psychological Association in Baltimore
bistha@gmail.com
Related story
He feels lonely
