Years past making me older 
And my sins are still running in veins. 
Being unable to devise a way-out  
I am living as a saint. 
And, I am still a good human for my people. 

I wrote these lines a few years back as I struggled to have clear intentions in my life. Still today these lines represent me. I am a person who helps other people, but am unable to find a way out for myself. Life can be beautiful if you can smile while dealing with your problems. I learned to smile hiding my problems in front of others since my childhood. I managed to be a good, happy and helpful individual to make a space for myself in the classroom. A quiet kid who was living and enjoying his innocent childhood inside a room was starting to make new friends and face the outer world.

In school days, many found me excessively shy. Today, they think I’m sweet and frank. One who can now stand and discourse upon particular subjects for long time even in a mass.  The change started when I understood that ‘if you don’t start a conversation on your own then this world is never going to follow you’. Being a student of mass communication, I also started applying few communication theories in order to influence public and develop better relationships with people around me. 

Time changes people, and with that changes their activities and feelings. As people got to know me slowly, I have been forced to limit my emotions for constant fights and trust issues have raised many misunderstandings within. People have noticed change in my overall behavior. I make people laugh and angry at the same time. My family and friends often tell me that I live with multiple characters.  They often get confused with my dramatic, rude and nasty behavior over my extroverted and caring nature. My life has been like a theatrical drama. You can find all Nava Rasa’s within me in various circumstances. Sometimes I want to wake up with super powers and the very next day I want to destroy those powers.

Life is full of tiny miracles. You meet and can get amazed by various human characters around you. Some make you angry, some make you a rebel, some become your muse and some help you to focus on how to live a positive life. But many times I don’t have ideas regarding how others take my words and misunderstandings arise. There were times when it was easy for them to talk with me but, now they have to think many times to just talk to me. I miss all those conversations and I would just like to invite them for an ice-cream and talk like before. 

Coffee has become my favorite colleague now. Though my migraine attacks don’t permit me to have coffee, I prefer taking coffee and introspect about my anxious character. And political discourses have become my favorite cookie with my tea or coffee. My life now has been limited within tea and coffee shops, where I think such discourses start. Discourses generally revolve around how technology has erased international borders and how young people are eager to fly abroad due to Nepal’s political instability. But I dream to do something within this nation. 

Martin Luther King Jr once said, “True peace is not merely the absence of tension: it is the presence of justice.” Being an aide, I may have been able to make my space in people’s lives. But at the same time, I have not done justice to my dearest persons. I still have a lot to learn and improve myself. I also have a hard time remembering things. My memory is being an expensive affair for me and it scares me that it might result in disappearances of few smiley faces left in my life. As I do not have the superpower to simply undo life and bring back people I lose due to my incompetent behaviors.

Every person is not born perfect; all have some strength and weaknesses. But in the real world, people will laugh at your infirmities, gossip about your character and so on. I am no less than a lunatic for many people. I talk with myself, travel alone within the Valley, speak without listening to others and smile without reason at home, workplace and even public places. I have noticed people looking at me, and smiling like they have seen something insane. Your achievements last merely for few moments or few days. But achievements do not define you, nor does your failures.

Ranjit is currently in his second year of Bachelor’s in Law at Nepal Law Campus, Bhrikutimandap.