I’m a 21-year-old girl in a relationship since the past three years. Unlike most girls of my age, I don’t ever use any makeup and prefer wearing simple clothes. Some of my friends say I dress like an old woman. I’m not very good looking, either. I thought my boyfriend didn’t care about such things. But recently, he (unintentionally) said how he appreciated girls who didso much to look good for their boyfriends. I didn’t react at all, but I know he regretted what he said. He later told me he appreciated me the way I was. But I’ve been thinking, maybe I should start trying to ‘look good’ for him. What would you say?
- Confused
Darling, tell me something. Do you just don’t do things to make yourself “look” good or do you also not do anything to make yourself “feel” good? Maybe I’m reading too much in between the lines, but when you say that you are (in your own words) – “not very good looking”, it makes me think that maybe somewhere deep inside you’ve internalized the idea that no matter what you do, you’re simply not going to look good, so there’s no point in trying. I’m someone who believes that when you feel good inside, it makes you want to look good outside and when you look good outside, something inside starts feeling good too. The idea of looking good is perhaps not about going outrageously crazy about imported brands and fake eyelashes. It’s not about trying to look like the cover page model. But it might be picking clothes that make a statement about who you are. It might be about admitting that you’re already beautiful and you’re in a great relationship. At the same time it might be about a slight lip gloss and a light kohl that makes your eyes look mischievous and says to your boyfriend, “Darling, thank you for loving me for who I am but I want to let you know that your love makes me feel good inside and look good outside!”
Dear Swastika,
I love reading books. But since I have college in the morning and work full time right after college, I don’t have much time to read except in the evening once I reach home. Back at home, I have my college assignments to take care of, and my family to spend time with. That leaves me no time to read. Sometimes I cut down on spending time with my family just so that I can read a chapter or two of the novels I’ve so wanted to read. But that upsets my parents, and they say I’m ignoring them. How can I make them understand?
- Rashmita
I believe people want more of something when they just can’t get enough of what they want from it. You can go for a vacation and spend months there but still come back feeling you want more of it. But sometimes, if you have an intense experience where you fully enjoy your vacation time and do everything that you want to do, eat at every restaurant you want and shop till you spend it all, you’ll be ready to come back home. If you’re spending more time with your parents and they still want more, then maybe it is time to intensify the quality of the time you spend together. Pick a few days a week where you cook together, do fun activities, pillow fight with siblings, or watch movies. Create a ritual; pick 2-3 days for family and 3-4 days for reading. Then stick to it religiously. If Friday is your family day, make sure that every Friday you make the most out if it with your family. If Monday is your reading day, do it. They’ll adapt to the idea that Fridays are great family days and Mondays are your reading days. If you are consistent with your schedule and spend quality time, you’ll realize there’s much you can achieve in 24 hours – for yourself as well as your family.
Dear Swastika,
My husband studies and works in Australia while I study and work here. I’ve never had plans to go abroad for a long term. A couple of months back, as I had a vacation at college and my leave got approved at work, I went to visit my husband and had an amazing time traveling for a month. Even then, I felt that I would never be able to live there for a long time. But now everyone I know – family, relatives, friends and even colleagues – tell me I’m a fool not to want to go abroad while I can quite easily. I’m tired of telling them I can’t. Some even say I don’t love him. My husband wants me to join him, too, but I simply don’t want to. I’m happy here and because he respects that, he doesn’t pressurize me. If everything goes as per the plans, my husband will come back to Nepal in about three years. We are both young, in our mid-20s, and long distance definitely sucks. But I just can’t go abroad for the sake of zipping people’s mouths! Am I wrong?
- Tired
My spiritual master says, “The biggest disease in the world is, What will people say.” I have a little different view than that of my master. I agree that we should never make decisions based on what other people will say because anything we don’t do from our own heart will leave us unhappy. And when we are unhappy inside, we can’t make other people happy, either. But every time people talk, I take it as an opportunity to rethink and reexamine my decisions. I take it as an opportunity to think deeper about what my values are, and what is important to me at this very moment. Your education is very important, your happiness is important. At the same time, being together with your husband and allowing your relationships to grow and bloom is also important. Don’t do anything based on “What will people say?” But take this opportunity to reexamine what is the most important thing for you at this very moment.
Swastika Shrestha is the founder of Anuvuti – a social enterprise that engages young people in service-learning. She has been coaching and mentoring young people in different capacities for over a decade.
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