I’ve been in a relationship with someone for several months now. As of late, we’ve been arguing and fighting a lot. The issue is that he doesn’t like me being ‘personal’ with other guys. I’m not very friendly with men per se, but he says that I don’t know when I should draw a line. He says that though he trusts me, he doesn’t trust these men that I talk to. Though he means well, it makes him come across as someone who is very possessive and even suffocating, sometimes, because I don’t talk to many guys. They’re just a few good friends. I’ve tried to make him understand. But he insists that I’m wrong. What should I do?
–AnonymousYou ask me what you should do and I wish it were that simple—to read the symptoms and be able to give a clear prescription. The thing about relationship is that it has so many layers of ambiguity in how it manifests.
When I was young, having brought up in a family that argued a lot, I wanted a relationship where voices would never be raised. Now, when I look at my parents, I sometimes feel they have the healthiest relationship. Sometimes, a healthy amount of argument keeps the relationship thriving because you’re able to freely communicate with each other and be real. However, I’ve also seen relationships where small arguments gradually turned violent; severely hurting each other physically and/or emotionally. Being possessive may also mean different things. It may mean that the person sees what you aren’t seeing. He might be seeing that other male friends have a romantic interest in you of which you haven’t taken any notice. It may as well mean that he’s irrationally possessive and will perhaps continue to suffocate you in the relationship.
So right now, instead of thinking about the issues of trust, or worrying if he’s going to become more possessive as you move ahead in this relationship, maybe it’s time to just close your eyes and ask yourself – do I still value this relationship? Close your eyes and ask yourself – am I genuinely happy at the core of my being, do I still feel powerful and confident about myself, and do I feel an innate joy at the idea of spending my life with this person? Close your eyes and imagine, if he were gone from your life, what would you feel – pain (that can be cured with a painkiller), sadness (that will eventually fade away), relief, joy, or insurmountable sense of irreplaceable loss?
Close your eyes and listen to your heart. The answer is already within you.
Dear Swastika,
My friend is getting married soon. She has been living abroad for a couple of years now and that’s where she met her fiancé. She is only a couple of weeks away from her wedding. She recently told me that some of her relatives have been passing nasty comments about the fact that she’s getting married to a foreigner. She is pretty angry about this but she can’t really say anything to them because of course, we are taught not to talk back to our elders. And to top it all, these relatives have been coming over to her house every day to ‘help’ out with the preparations. I’ve told her that what relatives say shouldn’t matter as long as her immediate family is happy for her. But she feels stressed out with this whole thing. I wish I could help her enjoy these days before her wedding. What can I say to make her feel better?
-Friend
A friend of mine told me two stories that have changed my perspective towards life and living. The first story was about his aunt. Her family had married her off to a much older man. After almost seven or eight years of being married to this man, one fine evening, she told her husband that she was going outside to the bathroom and then, strangely, just never returned. The family later found that she had eloped with someone else. No one knew what was going on in her life and marriage before that day, or what thoughts were going through in her head as she, probably, stood by the bathroom door and contemplated her escape. There was a huge outcry amongst the relatives and the family disowned her. For couple of years, there was a big emotional drama around it. She, however, lived the rest of her life with her new husband and raised a family together.
The other story he told me was of his grandfather who was a larger-than-life character who could fix anything from a sewing machine to trucks. Addicted to opium and a compulsive gambler, his family and children had a really hard time managing him. He was so high on drugs and fixated to playing “kauda” that sometimes he would just lift up his plate during dinner, throw it on the floor and shout “Maarrraa”. Some days, he would be found lying on a gutter drunk and his sons would have to leave their work and carry him back home. Some days, he would just walk out of the house without notice and his family would have to search for him for hours. Then one day, he just passed away.
You might wonder what the connection between these stories is and what your friend is going through. Honestly, for the first few times he told me this story, I wondered – what’s the point? These two stories that he often shared and shared it together seemed to have a special meaning for him. So one day, I just asked, “Why do these stories mean so much to you?” He explained, “Because they are both fading away in people’s memory and it no longer matters to anyone who they were and what they did. They have become stories.” He explained how when they were living their lives, problems seemed insurmountable. It seemed that every one was talking about them and the entire world was against them. But with time stories like these begin to fade. What seems really solid, firm and real right now begins to blur like fiction.
Some people live the way they wanted to live. They are who they want to be. Eventually, everything passes by. Those who make a big deal about you, eventually, have no energy for you and they find some other things to bicker about. Eventually, they leave you to live your life. You will be forgiven and forgotten soon. No matter what you do, how you live your life, you will, eventually, become a tell-tell tale. All that is in your power then is to make sure you do what it takes to make your tale a fairy tale.
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