How can I help someone who is depressed? Whenever I hear the person talk about feeling low and even sometimes about wanting to end his life, I feel very helpless. What should I do? I've tried letting him know that I'm there for him and that there's a brighter tomorrow waiting for him. I don't think that's enough. I feel so powerless.
--Nita
Every evening when I go back home, I have to first get out of my bike and open the main entrance door. Then I have to get back to my bike and drive it to the parking spot. Then I have to close the entrance and push aside another gate to get in. After getting in, I close that second door and then open a third one that leads to the stairs. After 20 steps, comes another door that leads to my room. This might seem like a simple day-to-day task for most. But just a year ago, this was a huge ordeal for me. By the time I would make it to my room, I would be exhausted and deeply saddened by how much effort it took to complete this seemingly simple task.
From my personal experience of having fought depression, I can tell you three things about it. First, it is possible to come out of depression; second, it takes time; and third, support matters.
Depression affects different people differently and each one has a unique strength that allows people to overcome depression. By nature, my strategy for coping with any kind of stress and crisis is very physical in nature. I need to cry, to sleep, to clean, to walk, or do anything. For me this meant that my healing was possible through action—through gardening, meditation, and walks around Bouddha Stupa, as well as crying, getting new hairstyles, and getting massages. It helped to have reasons to be constantly active. It helped to be hugged and held tight.
Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, has one or more coping channel that is available to him/her. There is a framework called 'BASIC Ph' that categorizes coping strategy that people use in times of crisis and stress. Each letter stands for a strategy. In brief, it means that some people rely on Belief System (values, hope, self-esteem, psycho-philosophy, meaning, religion, mysticism). Some rely on Affect (emotional sharing of feelings, calling and talking to someone, writing, drawing, and direct or indirect expression of feelings). Some cope by going back to being Social (finding a role and sense of belonging to an organization, being together with friends, family). Imagination (intuition, fantasy, humor, creativity, diversion of attention to arts and crafts) is another strategy that allows people to cope by visualizing a better tomorrow. Those whose strategy is Cognitive (logic, planning, learning, gathering information, putting down preferences and sorting out priorities, figuring out alternatives) are ones for whom knowing is a way to healing. Physical (eating, working, practicing sports, meditating, fighting) are the ones for whom being active is the key to coping.
Ideas and impressions
The way to help, perhaps, is to find out what is the person's most natural and intuitive tendency towards coping. For example, think of the very first thing that you did when the earthquake hit. As someone with physical strategy, my instant reaction was to run and find a safe spot and when it was possible, get everyone out of the house. Someone who reacted by instantly thinking about life, the end of life, the doom as defined by religious books were perhaps 'Belief' ones. They would benefit from self-help books, religious teachings from gurus, and counseling that is geared towards discussing the meaning and value of life. Those whose first response to crisis was feeling of deep sadness for impending loss, or fear, or misery are 'Affect' ones. They would benefit from sharing more about their feelings to people they love and trust. You can encourage them to blog and share it. Encourage them to talk to more people. Those who immediately went to look for their family and loved ones and kept them constantly close are 'Social' ones. They need to spend more loving and quality time with the family and close friends. Those who diverted themselves from the fear of quake and immediately started to imagine beautiful things, loved ones, and started thinking of the safe and normal time that would return when all this would be over are 'Imagination' ones. They should be encouraged to think about the time when all these sad days will be over. Encourage them to indulge in creative activities. Those who immediately started evaluating information about what is happening everywhere, started examining the status of everyone and everything and need to know more, are the 'Cognitive' types. Let them read about depression, the causes, about what is happening to them and what they are going through. Those like me who started cleaning the kitchen next day after the quake while we were still experiencing aftershocks are 'Physical' types and need someone to walk with, someone who'll help us clean or garden, someone who'll take us on a drive, drop us at the massage place, and hug us.
Depression happens when our unique coping strategy stops being available to us while we fail to develop new strategies. Even though my strategy is 'Physical,' in times of severe depression, I couldn't move around much, I couldn't garden, or dance. I stayed indoors and just slept or cried. I could not practice higher level of physical strategy. Thus I needed more support in being physically expressive as well as develop other strategies of sharing, reaching out to friends and family, and developing strong values and beliefs.
Thus, help the person understand depression first. Make them understand that the cure is within them to find and use. Help them to find what their natural coping strategy is. You can find this by identifying patterns based on their first immediate reaction to earthquake and during other times of crisis. Ask them to describe different situation of crisis and probe into their first initial reaction. Then support them based on their coping styles – to do more of what they naturally do. Also, help them develop other strategies for coping by pushing them gently towards different actions like sharing, creating art, learning about depression, exercising, listening to spiritual talks, etc. Alongside, get them to see an Allopathic, Ayurveda, Tibetan or any alternative health care and healing system while you support them in other ways.
But as someone supporting a person with depression, remember to take care of yourself first and foremost. Remind yourself that it takes time. As long as the person is walking towards the direction of healing and recovery, don't worry how long the journey is going to take. It took me more than five years to finally open three doors and walk 20 steps to get home without feeling like I was going to drown. I am a living testimony that it is possible to overcome depression and not even have any scars.
