Words, words, words!
Words mark its irregular pulse in my ears. Like slow, sonorous beating of some hideous heart. Thump, thump, thump. The sound reaches inside me through various valleys and ridges, ups and downs, elevations and depressions of my ears. Rings hard inside. Like the murmuring of innumerable bees. I hold my head between my palms and press it tightly and jerk sideways as if trying to knock the ghost out of it. I force my eyes shut and see an innocuous dot of white in the middle of pitch black darkness. The white dot rings like a temple bell: ding dong. Still, that sound!
Enough of this!
I can't. I know. But I've got to do this. No, I want to do this. Talent I have none; but I am willing. This is what I have wanted all my life. Ah, my lifelong fascination and love! This is where my heart truly resides. But, is willingness enough?
Last time, when I sent one of my short stories to Samrat Upadhyay to be work-shopped, what he said hit me hard in my face: Too many things at a time.
Many things – walking in and out of my mind – whooshing. Many things to write down. But some things in life are hard to write about. Whenever you try to do it right, you either overdo it or underdo it. Too many flowery sentences, the event goes much exaggerated, unnaturally mutated, far away from the reality. Or maybe, penchant use of short crisp sentences, slightly deviated from what you intended to say. Too many active verbs or a maze of abstruse narration. Either way you miss the bull's eye.
One word at a time. That's the only way I know how people write. But all I can pen is a crooked sentence of words, devoid of any nuances.
Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? How can I best live my destiny?
Some questions in life are hard to answer. Through the mere act of creating something – anything – one might actually try to answer, or at least, search for it. But in order to live one's highest creative life – and also in order to remain sane – one needs to undertake an outrageous amount of trouble and fight all that we have lost and screwed up. Answers like such come with a heavy price.
But, then, what am I supposed to do?
"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you don't bring forth what is within you, what you don't bring forth will destroy you." At least that's what Gospel of Thomas mentions.
Until then all I can do is try bringing forth what is within me.
Bibek is an undergraduate student of Civil Engineering at the Institute of Engineering in Thapathali, Kathmandu.
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