Dear Swastika,
One of my friends is going through a difficult time in her life, and it’s serious—I just know that. She tries her best to smile in my face, but you can see that she is starting to be that cold, indifferent person, which is so unlike her. The thing is, she’s recently joined her graduate studies, but the pressure of marriage is looming around her. Her parents know about her affections for someone, and though they have consented, she sometimes hints about her growing arguments with her boyfriend. She thinks of a married life, and the changes that it will bring to her life scare her. She thinks that her boyfriend’s attitude will entirely change once they’re married. But it’s not like they’re falling out of love—she’s strong enough to maintain the thread of relationship. But I’m afraid she’s crumbling under the pressure. How can I help her at this point?
-W
What a joy it must be for someone to have a friend like you who can read between the lines and listen to the silences to understand what one is really going through, feel a deep sense of compassion, and a strong desire to support. I know you would probably do anything to get your friend out of this situation. But as a friend who stands by another in times of darkness, remember that you can’t walk the walk for her; she has to do that herself. However, what you can do is to hold up your torchlight and shed light on the path that she’s headed and the other paths that she might not be seeing from where she stands. You can’t take decision for her, but you can help her go deeper into her consciousness, realize her fears, her concerns, her dreams and help her reach a sensible decision that she’s sure about.
Remember that most of the time people don’t need you to give answers to their problem; they need you to help them understand their problem more. Most of the time, what they need from you is not a solution, but help them see the different options that are available. And sometimes, what they need is someone to talk to so that they can release their stress and make more space in their hearts and minds to feel and think rationally.
It's ok
And almost always, they need to know that they have a friend who cares, who is affected by their sadness, and who is ready to answer any call for help and support. Let her know that you are there for her, that you’re concerned about her wellbeing and that she can talk to you. Ask her a lot of questions and get her to think out loud and share her dreams for herself, her hopes for future, her doubts on her relationship with her boyfriend, her fears about the relationship and marriage and her challenges with her parents. Get her to talk and talk and talk and share as much as she can. Ask her what options are available to her. Shed light on the options that you see but she is oblivious to. Tell her to talk to more people she can trust and find other potential options. Most importantly, remind her that this could be a very important decision in life and that she doesn’t have to do it alone. Remind her that it is okay to ask for help. Remind her that she has a friend.
Dear Swastika,
Few days ago when we (friends) were talking about the hardships we’ve been facing, one of my friends just picked the topic of my job and the kind of life I was leading. He said that I was working too hard for a meager salary. He advised me to take up a part time job in addition to this current job. I’ve been thinking about his advice, and since then I’ve been under a lot of stress. The place where I work has good facility but somehow I feel so discontent and I feel like I deserve more. So I’m seriously considering a part time job somewhere. I really need your help. What should I do?
-Stressed
How hard is your hardship? Is it absolutely hard or relatively hard? Is it so hard that you feel you can’t survive like this for too long or is it that your friends have an easier and more luxurious life and a higher paying job that makes your life and work appear relatively worse? Do you think you’re working for a meager salary or is it just your friend that thinks you have a meager salary? How much does your friend’s opinion matter? Is your hardship leading you towards meaningful learning outcomes and substantial work experience or is it nothing except a paycheck at the end of each month? Is finding another part time job the only option at this point or is it possible to find another job that pays more? What makes you think you deserve more than what you are making right now? Do your boss and other co-workers think you deserve more? Do you think you can somehow convince your boss to re-evaluate what you deserve? Do you have time to squeeze in another job in your daily life? What toll would it have on your health, happiness and wellbeing? What would another job mean in terms of other things like your education and your time with family and friends that you would have to sacrifice? What are you most stressed about – the idea of finding another part time job, the fact that another job is going to make your life harder, or the fact that your friend commented and judged your life and work?
You have to do what you have to do. I can’t and probably shouldn’t tell you what to do. But hopefully, if you take a step back and think about all these questions really, really deeply, these questions will lead you to answers and also lead you to realize that the answer was already within you.
Swastika Shrestha is the founder of Anuvuti – a social enterprise that engages young people in service-learning. She has been coaching and mentoring young people in different capacities
for over a decade.
