Agony aunts

The marriage season is upon us yet again and unfortunately I do have to deck up (read: Christmas tree decoration) in all my “finery” and attend some of those weddings. Add to it the fact that slowly and steadily my friends are getting hitched, putting me under a have-to-attend obligation. Don’t get me wrong here. I love the freestyle dancing mostly by uncles and “healthy” aunties in high spirits during Janti, and as far as the food is concerned, I’m a girl who keeps circling the desert table like a stubborn fly. But my main grouse is the whispers and overly considerate: “Chori, timro bihe ma chain kahile bolaune ni?”



I come from the Marwari society where 75 percent of the time girls are expected to acquire a good education and then sit at home waiting for their “Rajkumars” to whisk them away to this “happily ever after” sunset. Whether you are happy or sad after that really does not matter. The big achievement of a girl’s life is to find a “maldaar bakra” (rich boy) who can give her all material comforts in life. Is that the only reason why a girl should be educated, shameful! In fact, most of the time the girl is told to opt for a ‘decent’ academic course which would aid her matchmaking process.



An acquaintance of mine was heard complaining the other day about how her daughter has chosen to study something commerce related instead of a proper Bachelor in English from an all-girls college which would look good on her marriage bio data. Oh and let’s not forget the overtly concerned “well-wishers” who never fail to ask your parents, “When are you getting your daughter married. Isn’t it time already?” Hello, I’m not living in your house now am I?



Let’s not forget the whole “emotional pressure” ploy that the parents bring to bear upon daughters. For the parents, they have attained nirvana if they manage to marry off their daughters; all their responsibilities are over and now they can live in peace. And if your parents are a little old, you hear, “What if something happens to me and you are left a spinster?” or “This is my last wish, beta”. All I have to say is may God grant each parent a long and peaceful life.



Amen! Then enter the already married siblings, “Who will take care of you later in life” or the hilarious, “Its time you found a nice boy, had an affair and got married.” Heloo! Boys aren’t Alu and kobi in the veggie market that I can select the best produce and get them home for Rs. 65 a dharani and thank you very much I can very well look after myself. I have enough brains and education for that.




Also, let me ask you who an adult is. Apparently, only those girls who are married or are going to be wed are “adults” capable of taking the right decisions in life and all the others are naïve little creatures with no idea about zindagi. Going by how often I meet aunties and bhaujus quite lacking in the common sense arena, I would beg to differ. Any person who can rake the most practical and sound decisions regarding a situation in life is adult, thank you. But samaj tells me otherwise. Really now! Is marriage an exam where at the end of the test you get a certificate stating “You are henceforth fit to be an adult”?



The other day I happened to witness an argument between two ladies, where the shadi-suda one seemed to be telling the kunwari belle, “My life is more precious than yours as I have a husband and kids. If something happens to you it won’t matter much as you have neither husband and own family nor a home to call your own”. I was gobsmacked for a moment. For me self-worth is about valuing who you are as a person, knowing your strengths as an individual and knowing that what you want to achieve is totally possible as long as you have the fire in your belly. Surely that woman did not just value her life because she had a husband. I definitely hope not. Was her life revolving around her husband, his thoughts and his life? Did she have no thoughts, life and dreams of her own?



Another day I was at a jewellery store, window shopping, when one of the rings caught my eye. I believe jewellery is one of the few things that sets a girl’s pulse racing and being no different I too went up to the salesperson and asked for its price. Unfortunately the soaring soon prices meant I couldn’t afford it. As I made my way out, I heard the Didi say, “Bihe bhako jasto lagdaina,kanya keti lai soon ko ke kaam”. Last I heard, gold was an investment for a lifetime and had nothing to do with marital status. Apparently not.



Just to clear a few suspicions. I do not belong to a feminist organisation that has an agenda against marriage. However I believe a wedding is not something that can be forced upon a person just to maintain some vaguely defined societal norms. Also you cannot put an age bar on it. Agreed, the earlier you get married the earlier you finish all your responsibilities but that does not mean middle-aged people would not get hitched.



I believe marriage will happen when the time is right and it’s important for the person to be mentally prepared for such a commitment. As for me I do not know when I will take the plunge but I think when it has to it will happen. Till then to all the aunties I never ask you at shok sabhas “Tapai ko ma chain kahile bulaune ho”? Maybe I should (evil monster laugh).

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