But he didn't make it to my wedding because he knew my parents didn't approve of him. I think he was asked to stay away but I'm speculating here. He didn't come to my daughter's pasni because he knew my in-laws would consider it inauspicious. He didn't come to my son's pasni either. When I fought with him over this, he told me to let it go and just accept things as they were. When I brought up this issue with some members of my extended family, they just politely smiled and nodded.
Their tight smiles said it all. Why was I making a fuss and being overly sensitive for not having a certain 'male' friend by my side when I had other 'normal' friends surrounding me? An aunt even went to the extent of saying it was better he stayed away now that I had kids. As if homosexuality was a crime, or worse a 'communicable disease' that my children would 'catch' from having him around.
Nepal recognized third gender in 2007 when the Supreme Court ordered the government to scrap all laws that discriminated on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. LGBTI issue, especially in Nepal, is a much discussed one and there have been some reforms and laws regarding it. But here's the problem, though decriminalized by the state, homosexuality remains an offense in the eyes of the society. Worldwide, there are still 75 plus countries where homosexuality is a crime.
For me, personally, this is painful, as I've almost lost a very dear friend because of how our society perceives gays and lesbians. Over the years, we have sort of drifted apart as people generally tend to do when you don't keep in touch for long. A phone conversation now and then can only do so much. As humans we need contact to develop lasting relationships, and in the absence of that, an occasional phone call to keep tabs on where you went for a holiday and what your husband and kids are up to can hardly do much.
On my part, I tried to keep in touch with him but feeling left out he has gradually stopped meeting me for a drink, and hanging out with our common friends too. I guess when everybody knows everybody else's family members and even are on first name basis with some cousins, it's hard not to feel sidelined if you don't know the people everybody seems to know. We still talk on the phone, and I can hear the warmth in his voice and I'm sure he can hear the same in mine. We make promises to meet up, but rarely do. Sometimes I wish I could strangle everybody who doesn't treat him right just because of his sexual preferences and make this world a better place for him, and in turn myself because losing him has felt like an amputation.
I know he's just a phone call away and that he will come rushing to my aid if the need be. But I don't want him to think twice and
because of how people around me have behaved with him, he does now. And if he's going to be ridiculed and made to feel out of place, I'd rather he stayed away. I can make peace with not having him around but I can't bring myself to see the sadness in his eyes when people don't answer his questions or simply turn away.
A few years ago, there was a certain colleague at work that my other colleagues used to talk about. They would comment on the way he walked or talked. He was so girlish, they said and snickered. They even discussed why he wouldn't 'come out of the closet' so to say without realizing that it was this very attitude that forced him to stay tucked in the closet and even creep further into its corners. We are quick to judge, quick to laugh, quick to comment, and quick to ignore.
The reason why homosexuality stays hidden is because not many are as fearsome and bold as Vishal who, despite pleas from his own parents to keep quite about his 'condition', made it public knowledge that he would eventually like to marry a man. Societally the declaration hasn't worked in his favor but personally, he is at peace with himself and he no longer feels he is putting up an act on a day-to-day basis. He is finally free to be himself, just like we are all meant to be. But I sometimes wonder how free is he really?
When same sex marriage was being made legal in some countries, the opponents argued that since the beginning of mankind marriage has been a conjugal relation between men and women linked to the natural bearing of children. They believe there is something monstrous about changing or even trying to change that definition. If it were to change, that would mean that the traditional definition would no longer hold true.
And changing traditional 'values' is what our society seems to have a major problem with. But if the very 'values' are inconvenient for some people, isn't it time for a change? After all everybody, albeit their sexual preferences, has the right to lead a normal life. Nepal seems to have a long way to map out for same sex marriage to be accepted, though on paper we have come a long way. Laws can only work when the society accepts it and helps in implementing it. And in that department, we are far, far behind.
A lot of my friends and relatives act as if they aren't bothered by homosexuality, but I've seen the way they cringe when they come across people they know (or think) are gay. I've seen it in the way their eyes move up and down their bodies as if trying to detect an anomaly that makes them 'queer'. What makes men who are attracted to women any normal than men who are attracted to men or women who are attracted to women? And most important of all, does you sexual preference define who you are, making you less human if you aren't, as they call it, 'straight'?
ip_bista@hotmail.com
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