“You need to be able to understand yourself and the society you are in, you need to know when to push the boundaries and when to stay within,” says Yuki Poudal, 25, who is starting her own coffee shop at Putali Sadak. The wisdom of her words resonates with the women she is having coffee with. As the five women talk, it is clear they all possess the ability to discern what is appropriate in each of their lives, be it regarding work, relationships, or in facing society.
Until recently, a career woman was limited to fields like nursing and teaching, but now, “There are more opportunities in sectors like media, banking, and development,” points out Shikha Prasai. Poised, classy and well put together, and at 37 the Director of Interface Nepal, Shikha is also the mother of two children aged seven and four, who says, “I had to keep a low profile because my children are young and they need me,” and she admits she is not as active as she would like to be but, “There are inherent characteristics of being a woman,” she says.
Always involved in development, Tashi Sherpa, 27, relates with Shikha as her last job did not cater to her needs as a woman.
“When I started working, they told my husband and me that we weren’t allowed to conceive for three years,” she said, to the shock of her companions. Beyond that, she also faced various challenges of being in the field while menstruating. “It was difficult changing, I had to deal with the pain, and you can’t even tell anyone!”
Besides the monthly gifts from Mother Nature and having to choose or not being able to choose when to be a parent, Anita Thapa has encountered different issues.
“Everyone is more reluctant to hire a woman,” she says, and as President of Youth Initiative, it is something she is constantly aware of as there appears to be fewer risks in hiring men. “As a woman in charge, people always ask me where other females are, but it’s difficult – a lot of educated women stop working when they get married or when they have kids.”
Anita is already beginning to feel the pressure to be a wife and mother. “All my friends are married and have children, and at 28, it’s late for me,” she says. For her, there is no pressure from her family. “But I’m not open about my relationship,” she says. Being in a long-term relationship and one that is inter-caste, she chooses not to bring it up yet. “It’ll be difficult, so I don’t really talk about it,” she says.
“Women are expected to change after they get married,” Tashi contributed, and so Anita confesses, “I’m worried about the discrimination that may occur after I get married.”
Concerns like these no longer trouble Ruchi Thapa, however. Twenty-six and the Program Officer at Associates of Community Radio Broadcasters of Nepal (ACORAB), Ruchi opted to inform her parents about her inter-caste relationship. “As a woman, you’re always worried about what other people will say.”
“It’s easier for things to be viewed negatively when you’re a woman,” pitches in Shikha.
“When we were dating, he was the one who encouraged me to tell my parents about us,” Ruchi says of her then boyfriend who became her husband as of a few weeks ago. “My family was really open and supportive, they didn’t respond the way I had expected,” she voiced.
These women realize they have self-imposed expectations of being a “woman” that are, however, changing.
“I thought I had to wake up before my husband,” laughs Ruchi, and Shika reassures her, “I used to feel overwhelmed by the roles of being a woman.”
While these ladies are still under stigmas and the leering eyes of society, they are learning when to be more vocal.
“The workers never listen to me but immediately respond to my brother,” shared Yuki about her coffee shop that is currently under construction. “It took a while but I’m learning to be sterner, so they listen to me as well,” she says.
Though it is easy to blame lack of education for the disrespect women face. “Even so-called educated men don’t understand why we need gender-related talks, and they bring up the 33% representation of females in our Constituent Assembly and think that’s good enough,” Tashi says.
“But even if right now that 33% are only clapping, that’s more than they got to do than before. The next generation of women will be able to do much more,” added Ruchi.
“It’s difficult to be a modern woman in a conservative society,” says Yuki. “It’s about your identity and how you present yourself,” says Anita, and Shikha adds, “It’s a process of learning, having goals, finding yourself, and adjusting.”
But in making personal decisions regarding careers, relationships, and facing society, these women are evidence of how that title means being a mother and wife as well as a professional and an individual.
A look at their lives is indicative of how different approaches are appropriate for different women, yet these five ladies are fine-tuning what they can and cannot do within the lines of Nepali society so that they can bring about immediate and long-term changes.
In many ways, though, these new women are evidence that it is possible.
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