I often own up to mistakes I haven’t made. Like I’ll cover up my brother when he is the one who left the bathroom light on, or tell my mom it was my fault that I put a little too much salt in the curry even though it was my sister who did it. I do the same at school, too, in spite of myself. The funny thing is even when a mistake has been made and no one knows who made it, I feel guilty for it. I don’t understand this at all. Especially now because none of the people whose faces I save time and again seem even slightly grateful for it. How do I stop myself?
-A
Some people might say that it is extremely generous and compassionate of you to take blame for other people’s mistakes. But you’re starting to feel that, more than a virtue, it’s a problem. There are times when we take the blame for other people to protect them from harm. When we feel more empowered to cope with the consequences of a mistake than the other person, out of sheer love and compassion, we tend to take the blame and fight it for them. But then, when this becomes habitual and compulsive to our nature, it deteriorates our sense of self worth.
The first thing is perhaps to understand why you might be doing it. Here are some general assumptions that may or may not apply to you but might be worth considering. Some people might do it because there’s a deep yearning for appreciation. They might be feeling unnoticed and unacknowledged generally in life. In taking blame for other people’s mistakes, there might be a deep-seated desire that someone will notice it and thereafter, be filled with gratitude and appreciation. These people become exasperated when no one seems to notice what they are doing for them.
For some people, it might be a deep sense of unjustified guilt. A deep-seated sense of inferiority and self resentment lead people to desire to be punished. There is reluctance to be self reflective and reflect on one’s sense of err and address their sense of inner guilt. Taking other people’s mistakes and being reprimanded for it somewhat hits on their inner guilt and satisfies their desire to be punished. Meanwhile, it also allows the ego to be protected by saying – Well, but it wasn’t my mistake. These kinds of people might have a harder time to admit their own mistakes than that of others.
I know all this might sound very confusing. Our mind is very tricky. Behind seemingly generous simple acts, are deep-seated needs of self. But if this is too difficult to understand, just remember that this habit is not healthy at all. Even when you take blame for other people’s mistakes, your mind might not make that distinction. When your ears hear – “I made that mistake,” your brain neurons will code the exact same thing – “I made that mistake.” Your mind might just be reinforcing the idea that you ALWAYS make mistakes and thus your confidence in yourself will begin to shake. Your self-image will begin to deteriorate.
Thus – STOP. Just immediately stop doing that. Every time you are tempted to do that, just be mindful and stop. If it just slips out of our mouth, correct it immediately. Speak out loud good things about yourself, so that is what your ears can hear and brain can begin to code positive reinforcements. Once you feel secure deep inside, you’ll gradually lose this habit. But for now, adopt a healthy lifestyle. Love yourself a lot. Look at the mirror every morning and say out loud “I’m beautiful, I’m strong, I’m confident, I’m compassionate.” Repeat poet William Ernest Henley’s line: “I’m the captain of my ship and the master of my own fate.”
Dear Swastika,
I recently found out that my brother, who is just 14 years old, is dating his classmate. It might be normal and hopefully he’ll grow out of it, but I hate it that my brother shows no interest in his studies and assignments these days. He’s either chatting with the girl online, or talking to her on the phone. He’s out most weekends, too. I haven’t confronted him yet and neither have my parents, who are really upset about it. What should I tell him without hurting his feelings?
-Rashmi
Dear Rashmi, your brother is absolutely normal and what he is going through is extraordinarily normal and beautiful. Our society often labels any expression of emotions as deviant. If someone expresses anger, s/he is bad. If someone expresses desire, s/he is greedy. Expression of pain is seen as weakness. And thus, since childhood, all expressions of feelings are suppressed. As we grow, our expression of love and sexuality is suppressed and ostracized. Thus, we create a society where it is okay to have a heart attack but anger cannot be expressed. It is okay to have high blood pressure but sexuality cannot be expressed. Society where it is okay for one’s body to be constantly in aches and pain with symptoms that doctors can never identify, but not okay for someone to cry out loud.
Everything I am, I’m because of people I fell in love with. Each person brought out a different side of me. Each one helped me grow and understand myself more. Each one brought a different perspective to life, people, and the world. I’m a person with many different perspectives and I owe it to love. I learnt about life more from loving than from reading.
I do understand that sometimes emotions are overpowering and one loses all sense of basic awareness about other aspects of life. So you are right in wanting to bring him back to his senses. But maybe it isn’t about him stopping to love and express love, but about being reminded that his academic career is at stake. If I were you, I wouldn’t “confront” as such, but very casually and jovially remind him that “luv suv garera SLCma fail hola ani girlfriendle chodi dela” (If you fail in SLC, your girlfriend might just leave you). Jokingly tell him that luv-suv only lasts so long and women ultimately look for a man who has a balance between romance and success.
The idea is to “chill” and acknowledge the beauty and joy in his life right now. He’s enjoying the sweet nectar of first love. This “first love” is never going to happen to him again. The point is to not ostracize or make him feel ashamed for attempting to express his love and sexuality. However, the idea is to definitely remind him of other important aspects of his life that need attention. You have to remind him how obsession can blind people into making rash decisions. You have to remind him how life needs balance. But while you do that, do not expect him to change overnight. He’s going to take time to understand but as a sister, you need to plant the seed of awareness and do that right now. You have to do what you have to do while he does what he has to do. The seed of awareness, mindfulness, and sense of responsibility towards other aspects of life will grow over time. Plant it while he is 14 and it might grow when he is 16, bloom when he is 18 and become strong when he is 20.
Raising a brother is a lifelong job. He’s going to need you by his side for a very long time. So pace yourself. Don’t burn out. Take your time and give him time.
Love is always beautiful
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
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