What is being in love? It's about getting attracted to someone on the basis of their intrinsic values as opposed to extrinsic qualities like wealth, high-flying professional career, physical beauty, etc. Your heart and mind perceive intrinsic qualities in your partner. But head should take backseat since your heart never lies. Lies, deceit, evasion, selfishness are antithesis of true love. That's why it is said it is best to listen to your heart when it comes to love.
Those who do not support love marriage argue that in it you are already familiar with each other to the point of being taken for granted. That sounds shallow and selfish. The binding glue of relationship is love and trust. If love gets cloyed to the point of getting transmuted into apathy or hatred, then that had never been love in the first place. As for arranged marriage, the very notion that marriages are decided through deliberation and talks is flawed. The notion of falling in love with your partner after marriage is also flawed. In arranged marriage, you enter a nuptial relation with the expectation of reciprocation of your love. Isn't it absurd that you are supposed to feel love for a stranger when marriage is decided? Love comes slowly and such love is capable of passing the test of time.
But in arranged marriages you are programmed, as it were, to let the feeling of love rule your heart and mind. This is the principle upon which arranged marriages are founded. When a couple enters a nuptial relationship, they believe their ride ahead is going to be smooth as they have united through an arranged marriage. In my opinion, both the partners in this case are taking a chance.
Don't tell me love marriages fall apart. Yes, they do but this means there had been no true love in the first place. Love marriage was a misnomer. But if an arranged marriage falls through, the partner can have ample reasons behind why it didn't work. In our society women consider wealth or high growth prospect among desirable attributes of their potential partner. Here is where they need to rethink. True empowerment comes from the liberation of your own thoughts, by breaking the stereotype of females being subservient to men and accepting men's definition of femininity. It is a shame that even today our educated and self-reliant women have not been able to get out of the stereotypical image of their potential partner.
There are plenty of examples of men with university degrees getting married to uneducated women, but not vice-versa. A woman with university degrees expects to get hitched to someone at her education level or more. In women, the concern for virtue and nobility of heart of their prospective partner takes the back seat as long as the partner is wealthy or with coveted career profile. One of my friends, a self-reliant educated urbane woman from an affluent and educated family, agreed to arrange marriage with a man who had wealth, a high-flying career and international exposure. But this choice cost her dear. She soon became victim of domestic violence over dowry. She had to be rushed to a hospital with gruesome injuries inflicted by her husband (a university gold medalist) and in-laws.
It is important to safeguard the sanctity of marriage but one should not hesitate to sever a broken relationship. In thriving relationships differences, if any, are not big enough to undermine the relationship. That's why divorce should not be stigmatized. Coming back to marriage, love marriage can usher you on the path of happy conjugal life. Otherwise your marriage either is doomed to fall apart or you will continue to lead your married life by pretending to be happy.
The author is a schoolteacher in Kathmandu
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