I'm madly and hopelessly in love with my married teacher. I'm 22 and he is 30-something. Sometimes ago, it was just a one-sided thing and I believed it would remain that way until I graduate. But lately it's been a little unusual. I feel he's giving me some sort of signal, like looking at me more often while teaching (if that counts) and lately we also spend a long time after college, talking. I feel warm and nice just listening to him talk about his experiences and life. To be honest, I don't want anything more than that. But I don't want to feel as hopelessly in love like I do right now. I keep thinking about him long after we say goodbye. Somewhere deep down I feel he likes me too and I can't help smiling to that thought. He's mature with a calm personality, and it's so hard to find someone like that. Do you think it's something worth fighting for?
--JulieOh the joy of being madly and hopelessly in love...and add to that, the nectar of forbidden fruit! You make me think of all the things that they say about love. They say, the very nature of love is untamed, unchartered, and uninhibited. Rationale, logic, and conceptual thinking fall when love rises. You can't decide to fall in love unless you're already in love. You can't decide to not feel in love if you're already deeply drenched into it. Love is like a river that is passing away and you have no control of when it comes, how it flows, when it leaves, and where it goes.
However, we do have a choice in where we stand when the river of love flows. You can stand by the shore and enjoy the view of the flowing river. This means you observe the love you feel in your heart, the joys it brings, the pain it imprints, and then how it gradually passes away like everything else in life. You don't engage, respond or react. You just watch yourself like you watch the river. The next option is to stand with your feet under the water. You allow yourself to be soaked but your feet are still firm on the earth. The river doesn't sweep you away. You're still in control. This means you talk to this person, flirt a little, and allow yourself to feel the excitement, but you remain in control and are able to recollect yourself and walk out if and when necessary. The third option is to surrender—to allow the river to take you wherever it wants, for the river to decide which direction you flow, when you float and when you sink, and when you hit your head on the rocks and die. This means you continue to be madly and hopelessly in love and slip away wherever the madness takes you.
On one hand, unless you surrender to love, you haven't really loved at all. Only when you allow yourself to sink deeply in love, you realize how love has the power to transform you inside out. You feel different, you look different, and you are different. But then, at some point, you're bound to hit your head as you try so hard to light the candle of love and desire in the midst of a storm.
The person you're in love with is married. And "marriage" is a big deal. He likes you doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife more or that he's going to get out of the marriage and hold your hand. It might not mean that he doesn't cherish his moments with you. If you allow yourself to flow in this river, there will be moments where you enjoy the cool water, the view and the sky above you. But there will also be moments when you drown in darkness, hit your head in the rock, and get tangled in the nasty weeds. Like I said, love is not something you have control over. But what you do with it is a choice.
Is this war worth fighting for? That depends on what else you have in your life worth fighting for. Can you allow this fight to consume your entire being and existence or do you have places to go, achievements to make, duty to fulfill? My advice: If you choose to flow, wear a helmet or make sure that this thing you feel called love is worth dying for and there's absolutely nothing else worth of your life.
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Dear Swastika,
I've been a worrywart for a long time. By now, I've been permanently nicknamed 'Miss Panic' by my friends and classmates. I feel I need to be strong, but a small jolt is another earthquake for me and a common cold is yet another swine flu symptom. Social media make things even more difficult since these days it's filled with rumors that just can't be ignored easily. I try to avoid it as much as I can, but you probably know that it's easier said than done. I really want to worry less and have an unwavering fortitude that I always aspired to have. What do I do?
--A Worrywart
The panic reaction and extensive worrying seems to be rooted so deep in the subconscious that it makes you feel that you simply can't get control of it. You do not choose to worry or exaggerate the situation to infer worse condition but your mind is automated to generate such reaction. Your subconscious mind therefore needs to be re-conditioned. One way to do that is to work at your conscious level. It helps to constantly reinforce your previous learning. Constantly remind yourself of all the times when common cold was not swine flu and jolts were not earthquake. You can train your sub-conscious through your conscious mind.
Though working with a conscious mind is very important, this in itself in not enough. Meditation practice and physical exercise has been proven to help people with anxiety. Relaxation exercises, different form of meditation practices, as well as subliminal music have reportedly helped people. You can search these exercises and yoga practices online as well and find meditation techniques and relaxation music. Periodic massages also help.
Panic and anxiety are often seen as psychological problems and solution is often sought in counseling or spiritual practices. However, it could be a combination of both pathological condition as well as destructive behavioral pattern. My advice is that you see a doctor. You can choose allopathic or ayurveda or Tibetan medicine. Sometimes certain nutritional deficiencies can also cause the kind of panic that you're talking about.
I just hate when people ask me for tips to get over certain emotional problems and instead of swinging a magic wand and making all their troubles disappear, I have no option but to overload them with work. But that's how it is. No one can make your conditions disappear. People can show you the path and then you have to do all the walking. And they can pray that your journey is kind to you. I have shown you a path and I pray that you have the courage and strength it takes to heal yourself.
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