I'm in a long-term relationship and we're quite happy. I see myself being with her for the rest of our lives. However, we belong to different castes and different religions. My parents are fine with me marrying from a different caste as long as she follows the same religion that we do. I grew up in a household where religion is very sacred and some part of me does want her to follow my faith. But this is a complete no-no for her. She says any children we have can follow my religion but she won't be doing it. I don't understand why she is so adamant because she is not religious herself. On top of all this, her parents want her to marry someone from their small community. She is very close to her parents and understandably doesn't want to hurt them. Whenever we talk about the future, we are at an impasse. So we just skip the topic. But we can't do this indefinitely and I'm worried where we will end up.
--WorriedBelief systems, or what we know as "sanskaar" in Nepali, are so deeply etched in each person's psyche that it governs every part of their existence. From the day we are conceived, these belief systems are carved into us, piece by piece till every cell of our body corresponds with an element of our beliefs. On top of that, religious beliefs are most deeply entrenched in people's mind. This is perhaps why, no matter how little faith you have in God or religion, no matter what religion you follow, you simply won't be able to take a piss on the wall with God's picture on it. A part of our head says it is just a picture and not a "real" God. But then our body simply refuses to act in a way that is against what we have been accustomed to.
In some people, for some reason, these coding are much more rigid and concrete than in others. When people's beliefs are challenged, to them, it feels like their whole universe is beginning to crumble down. So when your girlfriend says that she can't follow a particular religion, or when your parents say that they need a daughter-in-law to follow the same religion, you might be wondering "what's the big deal?" Your parents' instinctual inclination to hand down the same sanskaar to their future generation resonates with the larger socio-cultural practices. Your girlfriend's inability to adopt another religion has to do with the sanskaar that she has grown up with. She can't just push a button and change her faith. If she has a strong religious integrity, she can't even pretend to follow another religion and fake her faith.
But if everything in this world is in the constant state of change, then what might humans have to do to resist change? The world goes round when seven billion people fit in like pieces of a clock and adjust and organize in a way that they can churn the wheel around. Families function when each is willing to give away a little of themselves and accommodate a little of the other and redefine themselves without giving too much of their individuality and becoming as much as possible of the collective family. What people don't realize is that sanskaar can, should and does change overtime if they allow it. When something that we love and value immensely is at stake, it only makes sense that we allow our sanskaar to change with the changing time.
The way to go about this is perhaps to find out what exactly do your parents mean when they say that your wife will have to follow their religion. Could it be as simple as few rituals now or then, or is it fundamentally shifting one's way of functioning and existing? You might have to find out what is it that your wife-to-be is refusing to? Is there some lose ends in the beliefs of the two parties that can be shed off to build a connection? Ask each one of them, what they can give away for collective happiness and what they cannot. Remember that people can always change their belief systems, but little at a time. If you ask someone to give up their entire sanskaar at once, they will break down completely. So be cautious but also remind them, that if your worlds are going to need to come together, some of the sanskaars on each side is going to have to be shed off. Remind your loved ones that sanskaars were designed to keep people together, but when it becomes too rigid in people's minds, it unfortunately begins to pull people apart.
Swastika Shrestha is the co-founder and head of training and support at Teach for Nepal. She has several years of experience training and mentoring youth leaders. She can be reached at swastika@teachfornepal.org.
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