Heart to Heart with Malvika

Published On: December 28, 2016 12:45 AM NPT By: Republica  | @RepublicaNepal

Dear Malvika,
I’ve been in relationship with a guy for five years. Everything was going good until now. I feel distant from him lately and don’t like his presence. I love him but don’t want to be around him. May be it’s because I want to focus more on my career. But I feel guilty. How can I save my relationship?

After a few years, people go through stagnancy in a relationship. There has to be efforts from both the sides. Just because you are in a serious relationship does not mean that you cannot focus on your career. Of course it depends on the kind of understanding you have from your partner. You can have both career and love at the same time. Have you talked to him about how you feel? Men are straightforward. You need to tell them exactly how you feel. Otherwise they will not understand. Maybe you are not getting enough attention and love from your man. Maybe it feels boring to be with him. If you want to save the relationship, bring romance into your life. Plan a getaway, talk and share. Have some distance at times so that when you catch up, you have many things to talk about. Be communicative and share your likes and dislikes or whatever it is that is making you distant. If, after all your combined efforts, it still remains the same, then sometimes it’s best to let it go. 

Dear Malvika,
I am the only child and my parents expect high of me. I have been a good student throughout my life and have been a responsible kid. My parents and I have a wonderful relationship but now they have problem with a girl I am dating. I love her but I love my parents too. Do I choose her or my parents? I can’t imagine my life without any one of them.

You are not clear as to why they do not like the girl, so it’s hard give you a specific answer. Did you introduce your girl to them properly? How well do you talk about her with your parents? Have you told them very seriously that you love this girl or did you just casually mention that you are dating? Of course parents have best interests at heart but that doesn’t meant they are always right.  Organize lunch and movie dates with the parents. Bring your friends along so that your girlfriend also feels comfortable. Let them talk and get to know each other. You are the one to spend the rest of your life with that person, and if you are compatible then fight for it.          
Dear Malvika,
These days I feel lost. I am happy with my job and I am happy with my family as well. But I feel lonely all the time. I can’t seem to concentrate on anything. All I want to do is work, eat and sleep and not talk to anyone.  For the first time in my life, everything is going according to my plan and things seem to be working out. But why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so restless, am I going into depression?

Are you someone who thrives during challenges, who works better under pressure and who loves drama? If your answer is yes to at least one of the questions, then there lies the answer to your confusion. I have been through the same phase, and there is nothing to worry about. If you love challenges, and when there are none and things become monotonous, you do not like it. There is always a reason for being restless. And one main reason is not being satisfied emotionally or financially. If you are happy with your job and family and since we are not clear if you are in a relationship or married or have good set of friends, I would like to assume that there is some unfinished business of yours which is making you feel this way. It could be from the past or the present. Something is definitely holding you back and only you know the reason for it. Some inner soul searching is required here. Take a holiday, have fun and enjoy the smallest joys of life. 

Dear Malvika,
I have been dating my boyfriend for two years now and both of our families have accepted us. He wants to take our relationship to the next level in terms of intimacy but I don’t feel that way for him yet. Is there something wrong with me? Should I take the next step or make him wait until I feel comfortable?

There is nothing wrong with you. So stop belittling yourself. Everyone is entitled to feeling comfortable when it comes to intimacy in a relationship. You have to ask yourself whether you are attracted to him or not. Love and attraction sometimes can differ for people. You definitely have to be comfortable; do not proceed just because he wants it. Have you talked to him about it and let him know how you feel? He has to understand the fact that you are uncomfortable with getting intimate at the moment, and that you need time. The final question here is whether physical intimacy is your priority. I ask this because there are different priorities for relationship for different people. And your vision of a relationship needs to match with his. Most couples make the mistake of thinking that love is enough to have a happy relationship, sometimes it is, most of the time it isn’t. So communicate and see where it goes, as long as it falls under your comfort zone. 

Dear Malvika,
I have recently started dating my best friend who knows my history of physical relationship with my ex-boyfriend. He has been asking me to get intimate with him for past few weeks.  I haven’t reached that level of comfort to get physical with him but when I tell him about this, he gets upset and brings up my previous relationship. What do I do?

Dating a best friend who knows your relationship history can be a boon and a curse at the same time. So, one has to know where to draw the line. Respect should be the line and both of you need to know where to draw the line. In terms of intimacy I will definitely say this: do not proceed until and unless you are comfortable. I am sure you would not want to jeopardize this relationship by regretting later on. Intimacy should happen naturally, you cannot plan it. Either you feel it or you don’t. On the other hand, avoid situations of intimacy which might lead to sex. If you are not ready then avoid the torture for the guy too! It is not healthy to stay in a relationship if you are compelled to do something for your partner which is beyond your comfort zone. Whatever you do for your partner should also make you happy and not make you feel uncomfortable. Happy Dating. 

Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

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