Heart to Heart with Malvika

Published On: April 18, 2017 11:00 PM NPT By: Republica  | @RepublicaNepal

Make her feel like she is the only one

Dear Malvika,
I am a 22-year-old girl who has had several failed relationships. I am not in a good place right now and feel like my heart is glued up on broken pieces. I had a very close guy friend. I opened up to him like with no one else. I told him about my family, friends and ex-boyfriends. I even asked him out, but since he was not ready, we didn’t date and remained good friends. We were both very ambitious, and since I had fallen for him, his dream became mine. We both studied hard to achieve his dream. But a month ago, I found that he had given up on his dream and he didn’t even bother to tell me about it. Now I feel insulted and betrayed. Luckily, for me, the dream came true and I am leaving for grad school to the US soon. But I feel broken by what he did. Now I am wondering if I should cut him off or let it be. I can’t cut him off because he is important to me, but I also feel he doesn’t value me. What should I do?

You complicated the relationship by making his dream yours. And, that’s why -- after finding out that it’s not his anymore -- the feeling of betrayal developed in you. The reason for you to believe that you could have the same dream was only because of your emotional feeling for him and nothing else.

And that is definitely not his fault. If you have now been successful in achieving that dream, you should go ahead with it, if that is what you want. Do not hold it against him. As we are just human beings and it is okay for us to change our minds. Of course, if you had formed the idea together and planned it accordingly, it would have been justified. I suggest you to keep your friendship intact. And forgive him for changing his mind. It’s time for you to move on from having feelings for him, as I believe he does not feel the same way. You see love blinds us into thinking that the other person feels the same way about us even if nothing is going on, especially if it is one sided. Considering this fact, I believe it’s time to say good bye to your old feelings for him and move on with that you want to achieve in your life.

Dear Malvika,
I’m a 25-year-old woman who has been battling depression for the past two years. I haven’t yet told the members of my family about it and only a handful of my friends know. But that’s not the exact case here. I think I am suffering from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I have had the symptoms over the years and have suffered from episodes. I am not sure if I actually have this disorder, but I want to visit a psychiatrist. But I don’t know how to explain it to my family. I am afraid that they will look at me like I’m a freak. Should I tell them first and then go for a checkup or should I go with my brother (he knows about this) and find out for myself and not tell my family for now?

I know it’s hard to talk about depression and what you are going through. You definitely have to visit a psychiatrist. At the same time, I would suggest you to speak to your family as well. They are your parents and I am sure they would want to know what you are going through. You never know how they might react. And their support would be good for you too. I am sure they would not see you as a freak but would rather be concerned as to how they can help you with it. You can share what you have been going through and that a consultation is very important for you. In the mean time, do keep yourself busy, exercise, stay away from negativity and meet other people. Do what makes you happy. A healthy diet and a balanced lifestyle is very important for you, and do keep it that way.


Dear Malvika,
I am a 20-year-old woman and I have a secret. Whenever I see myself in the mirror I don’t see a grown-up woman. I hate my body. I hate my curves and I absolutely hate my hair. From a very young age, I always wanted to be a boy. I always saw myself as a boy and wanted to be a handsome man like my father. Whenever I told my family that I wanted to be a boy, they would just laugh it off and shake their heads at my childishness. My friends used to call me a tomboy because I always wore men’s clothing. One day my mother came up to me with a worried expression and asked me why I never wore girly clothes. She was heartbroken because I am the only girl child in my family and she wanted me to dress up like one too. I was going to tell her that I wanted to be a boy, I wanted to cry out that I hated this body, but the words died inside my throat when I saw her expression. I am sick and tired of keeping up with this mask. I am so depressed and want to end my life because I cannot be who I am. I don’t want to upset my family but I am tired of living my life as someone else. I want to be a boy, a man, I want to be the real me, what should I do?

Go be the man that you want to be. Do not stop yourself from being who you are. I can feel that you are dying every day and that is not healthy. I have answered a question like this before. And I will tell you exactly what I shared previously. You have crossed the first step in accepting who you are and that is amazing. The second step is confiding in someone who loves you and is helping you in this journey. Now comes the hard part of dealing with parents and society. Having known many LGBTI individuals, it is never easy coming out to the parents. Most parents always know who their children are, but they just do not want to accept it at times. And this is prevalent worldwide. So you are not alone. And when you do there might be a lot of crying and desperate attempts to change you. But be patient and persistent. I suggest you get in touch with few LGBTI organizations. Blue Diamond Society is one of them. Their president is a transgender herself. You will get counseling and help from them. It will give you more confidence. At the same time when you see and meet other people who are just like you, it opens up your world and possibilities. There are many people who are living a respectful life. Majority of the society in Nepal has accepted that the laws are good too. Of course there are many things that still need some change. Once your parents come to terms with it, it will be easier. Parents love their children, there is no doubt. So all the best and be free. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 39-year-old married man and I have a problem. My wife was the sweetest woman and cared for me deeply. But now she has suddenly turned into a skeptic person. She doubts that other women are trying to hit on me, when in reality they are just my good friends. She neither compliments me, nor does she try to show that she cares for me. She belittles me, she gets jealous easily, and gets mad when I talk to other women. It is heartbreaking because we had so much love before and now it seems like it is slowly disappearing. Sometimes, I feel so suffocated and want to cry. I have to meet my friends (who are all married) only when she is not around because she will just try to break my contact with them. Sometimes I think that she only is staying with me for our daughter. Please tell me what should I do about this? Should I try to mend the fences or just break it off all at once?

After reading your story, I feel something must have made her the way she is now. From a woman’s perspective, I will tell you this that we want to be the only woman in our man’s life who gets all the attention. And sometimes that is not healthy for us too. Have you been giving other women more attention when she is around? Maybe just leaning in too close, holding their arm slightly and laughing at whatever they say. Maybe you do not have any intentions whatsoever. But it’s the body language that makes us think that maybe there is something going on. You haven’t mentioned here as to how you have been with her. Have you in your own way stopped giving her attention and making her feel beautiful? Think hard and deep and then come to a conclusion. You could still mend the relationship if you want and go back to what you were. All it needs is patience, time and a lot of effort.

Take her out on dates, compliment her, make her feel beautiful, go out on vacations and spend time with her. Give her all the importance. When you are in company of other women, give your wife all the attention and love. Make her feel like she is the only woman in your life, which should be the reality. And if you want go to therapy. Sometimes hearing from another person can give us a lot of perspective. Once you have given it your all and tried various ways and it still remains the same, then it is all up to you and your wife as to how you want to take it forward.

Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.

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